Why I Define My Experience At the Monastic Academy As Sexual Assault
Trigger Warning: This post includes highly triggering details of sexual assault.
***The views expressed here are my own. Hereafter any italics used will indicate that I am quoting another person or source. ***
In December 2021 I published an OPEN LETTER TO THE MONASTIC ACADEMY detailing experiences I had at the Monastic Academy’s (MA) California branch OAK. One of these experiences was a sexual assault, though this was not the sole or even the primary focus of my letter — which was to focus on the MA’s response to the incident; to offer my critiques and feedback on the MA’s programs, structures, practices, and policies; and to express my concern for the safety and wellbeing of current and prospective participants in the MA’s training program. I’d like to follow up on this aspect of my experience, and in particular why I do consider it to have been sexual assault, which is the purpose of this post. This post here will highlight aspects of relevant state and federal laws as well as aspects of my own personal experience so that readers can better understand both the definitions and laws that exist regarding sexual assault and my view of the incident in November of 2020.
This post was written in response to Alex Flint’s post: “Gracefully Correcting Uncalibrated Shame” which I believe to be relevant since it is written in response to my open letter. Alex writes that after speaking to various “spiritual teachers” [none of whom have expertise in understanding sexual violence] he “has concluded that sexual assault is a completely inappropriate way to describe it” and that he believes what I have written about the MA to be “straightforward mischaracterizations.” Notably, Soryu Forall seems to be Alex’s primary source of guidance on this matter. Alex describes Soryu as “shockingly clear in his discernment” [regarding the matter of whether or not Alex is guilty of sexual assault]. In Alex’s post, it seems like Soryu is actively supporting Alex’s denial of responsibility for his actions and his impact. Soryu has direct and obvious conflicts of interest such as himself being directly involved in the covering up of this incident whether intentionally or as a result of negligence — and therefore could directly benefit from Alex’s denial and defense of the MA. It is therefore inappropriate for Soryu to advise Alex on these matters and if Alex were engaged in truth-seeking and understanding the impact of his actions he would be seeking advisement from someone who is not directly involved in the situations and whose expertise lies in the area of sexual violence rather than meditation or spiritual counseling.
The following passage from my open letter describes the incident:
“…later while walking along a beach in Santa Cruz, he asked me spontaneously to go swimming. After which we laid on the beach. Without any conversation about consent, without any kissing or foreplay, or any previous sexual engagement, and despite the boundaries previously stated [that we would not engage in any kind of sexual or romantic activity]; he then jumped on top of me and entered my body. This encounter was over before I could even react. I did NOT have an opportunity to make a choice and I did NOT give my consent.”
It is important to note that the definitions and laws surrounding sexual assault and consent vary widely from state to state and that different sources define rape and sexual assault differently. This can make defining sexual assault and rape even more confusing. Understanding state and federal laws and definitions regarding sexual assault, rape, and consent was an important part of understanding my own experience. While legal definitions and laws are important they often cannot and do not adequately capture the sense of violation, the betrayal of trust, and the damage that is done to victims of sexual assault; or the complex circumstances, cultural attitudes, lack of communication, lack of education and awareness, and toxic environments from which acts of sexual violence often arise. Laws also fail to account for how often sexual violence occurs in the context of relationships with people whom we know, care for, and trust. Statistics about Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics | RAINN.
According to the Office of Women’s Health, “Sexual assault is any type of sexual activity or contact, including rape, that happens without your consent. Sexual assault can also include non-contact activities.
Sexual assault can include:
Any type of sexual contact with someone who cannot consent
Any type of sexual contact with someone who does not consent
Attempted rape
Sexual contact with a child
Fondling or unwanted touching above or under clothes
Consent is a clear “yes” to sexual activity. Not saying “no” does not mean you have given consent. Sexual contact without consent is sexual assault or rape.
Your consent means:
You know and understand what is going on
You know what you want to do.
You are able to say what you want to do or don’t want to do.
You are aware that you are giving consent
Things that are NOT consent:
Silence.
Having consented to an activity before.
Being in a relationship
Being drunk or high.
Not fighting back.
Sexy clothing, dancing, or flirting.
According to RAINN, California defines “consent” as “positive cooperation in act or attitude pursuant to the exercise of free will. The person must act freely and voluntarily and have knowledge of the nature of the act or transaction involved.”
It was clear to me at the time — that I did not “act freely and voluntarily and have knowledge of the nature of the act or transaction involved”. Still, it took time for me to process my experience. My feelings were complex due to both my romantic feelings for Alex and the extenuating circumstances. For me, the process of coming to terms with what happened has included many conversations with friends and family, and with other ex-members of the MA (some of whom have also experienced or witnessed sexual misconduct being covered up.), It included conversations with a Zen teacher and abbot of an (actual) Buddhist monastery and a retired sexual harassment lawyer who both work extensively on issues of sexual misconduct in Buddhist spiritual communities. It took many sessions with my therapist and with the bodyworker I see for treatment of cPTSD, and multiple calls to a sexual assault hotline and centers in both Washington State and California where I’ve spoken to multiple sexual assault counselors, and with another lawyer who works on sexual assault and rape cases. These conversations took place immediately after the events, throughout my relationship with Alex, and after our relationship ended. This is what it took for me to feel confident that the term sexual assault (which also includes rape) is an accurate description of what I experienced and is the term I feel most comfortable using to describe my experience, to feel confident that others at the MA may be at risk of being harmed, and to be able to share my overall experience and critiques of the MA (not just the sexual assault) with the public.
I define my experience as sexual assault for the following reasons:
1. A sexual act (physical penetration) occurred without my consent and against my free will. Free will is defined as “the power of acting without the constraint of necessity or fate; the ability to act at one’s own discretion”
2. I did not give Alex verbal consent (permission or agreement) to enter my body or to engage in any sexual activity with me. I also do not think that my actions at the time of the event indicated that I was willing to engage in any sexual acts. I am not aware of having given consent to any sexual activity. The only activities I agreed to engage with Alex in were taking a walk on the beach, conversing, and swimming.
3. I was not aware of Alex’s sexual intentions or the nature of the action until after physical penetration occurred. According to California law both parties must “have knowledge of the nature of the act or transaction involved” in order to consent.
4. When Alex decided he wanted to have sex with me he took no steps to determine affirmative consent or to look for signs that I was willing to engage in a sexual act.
5. I did NOT have an opportunity to decide if I wanted to engage in sexual activity. See the above definitions of consent. The sudden and unexpected nature of the act which lacked any kind of lead up (i.e. verbal sexual context or requests for connection/sexual intimacy, nonverbal body language, or acts such as kissing, caressing, or other forms of foreplay) made it impossible for me to decide if I wanted to have sex.
6. I was not able to communicate my consent or my lack of consent. I could not even say “No” to Alex because I was not aware of Alex’s sexual intentions until after penetration occurred.
7. Being suddenly and unexpectedly penetrated sent me into an immediate state of confusion and shock. This was incapacitating (especially as a survivor of a prior rape). I was unable to respond. My lack of resistance and silence should not be confused with consent. I continued to have difficulty processing and responding to the event in the days and weeks that immediately followed the event (partly because I was not in a safe environment and because I did not have support in processing.)
8. Those were not the conditions, timing, and circumstances under which I would have wanted to engage in sexual contact with Alex. Alex through his impulsiveness, indiscretion and recklessness violated my bodily autonomy and agency by bypassing my right to choose who, when, how, and under what circumstances I was willing to engage in sexual activity.
9. We had discussed our boundaries with each other less than 24 hours prior. This included refraining from all sexual and romantic activity moving forward (we had kissed prior to this) in accordance with the boundaries of the monastic container. I also requested that he seek guidance about our connection from organizational teachers and leaders about the most integral and responsible way to approach this connection before anything else happened between us. What this means is that Alex already knew I did not want to engage in a sexual relationship under these conditions.
Other notable factors:
Alex was in an explicit position of power as Executive Director. As an apprentice of the organization, Alex was basically my boss. Initially, the monastic agreements regarding sexual and romantic relationships and Alex’s position as Executive Director were not known to me until shortly before this incident. His actions were an abuse of power and an abuse of the trust that both I and the organization had given him. As Executive Director he should have upheld the boundaries of the space irrespective of anything I did or did not do. Alex should have exercised greater respect, care, awareness, and understanding regarding both the responsibilities of his role and the profound vulnerability, confusion, and intensity that people often experience during intensive meditative states.
Alex’s choice to pursue sexual activity without my consent put me at the center of an organizational scandal. During which I did not have support, representation, or a voice in any of the conversations happening about the incident. I felt further isolated and blamed within and by the community when I most needed support processing the sexual assault. It is unlikely that I could have clearly articulated a complaint at that time without someone who was highly capable of holding space for emotional processing and trained in handling issues of sexual misconduct walking me through the events. To my knowledge, no such person exists in the CEDAR ecosystem and furthermore, no one bothered to ask me for my account of the incident. The organization intentionally chose to handle the incident in ways that excluded me from participation and that they felt would protect them from liability and disrepute without any regard for how traumatizing their response would be to me (or Alex for that matter.) At the time Alex seemed distraught about his own participation in covering up this incident stating to me that “I and this organization have mistreated you”, at another point suggesting we run away together, and at still another point seeming to resolutely believe that he had no choice in his own participation, that he was doing right by the organization, and that this organization had an undeniable and necessary role in “saving the world” from climate change, AI, and other existential threats. This loss of agency and “ends justify the means” thinking is reflected throughout the Monastic Academy’s history, and is a common feature amongst cults.
In the case that Alex may have assumed my consent, which may or may not be true, it’s important to remember that assumed consent does not equal consent. Under the circumstances, in light of the previously discussed boundaries, and without any verbal or nonverbal indication that I was willing to engage in sexual activity I do not think it was reasonable for Alex to assume my consent.
Alex and I were in altered states of consciousness due to intensive mediation (10+ hrs. daily) for the past week including a 16-hour “yaza”. Intensive meditation can induce altered states of mind during which our sense of boundaries becomes blurred. However, those boundaries and bodily autonomy still exist. I believe this may have contributed to Alex’s poor decision-making.
My connection with Alex began when I sought support processing a PTSD-related flashback to a previous rape from 2013. While that was a separate and unrelated incident; it did make his actions several days later all the more egregious and traumatizing. I am confident that my interpretation of this act is not the result of transference or projection. There is a narrative that has been told by some that it was I who behaved inappropriately towards Alex at this time, and it’s important for people to know that I sought Alex ought for support in a moment of crisis and vulnerability. Having held space for me as I processed how deeply traumatic a previous experience of rape was, I feel that Alex should have A) recognized that I was in a profoundly vulnerable state and B) should have been doubly concerned with and aware of the need to seek explicit consent from me and to ensure that I was a willing and consenting participant in any sexual encounter. C) The fact that he then proceeded to have sexual intercourse with me without my consent and then allowed me to be mistreated and forced out of the community as a result of and in order to conceal his actions while simultaneously telling me he loved me and wanted to build a life with me is extremely painful. That is not love -that is abuse.
Prior flirting, provocative dress or nudity, and prior sexual or romantic intimacy NEVER constitute consent. I had never had any sexual contact or a sexual relationship with Alex prior to this incident. I had previously exchanged consensual gestures of romantic affection with him such as holding hands, physical touch, and kissing prior to our discussion of boundaries.
The sexual assault lasted a couple of minutes during which I felt surprised and confused by what was happening.
Alex did not use ANY protection and came inside of me also without my permission. Thankfully, I had an IUD at the time (unknown to him) and the pregnancy risk was low.
During our relationship, Alex disclosed multiple incidents of sexual misconduct which had occurred prior to his time with MA. These incidents included multiple violations of common ethical standards and illegal activities.
Alex’s relationship history included toxic behavior which he described to me as bi-lateral and domestic violence which he described himself to be the victim of. According to a Nation Crime Victimization study, “About 1 in 7 men ages 18 and older have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner.” Alex joined the MA at a time when he was very vulnerable, in the midst of a divorce. habituated to being in toxic and abusive relationship cycles, lonely, in pain, lacking support, and searching for guidance, transformation, community, and a sense of purpose. All of these factors can make otherwise intelligent and goodhearted people vulnerable to cults. Alex continues to both benefit from some aspects of the training and to participate in complex cycles of abuse that are harmful to himself and others through his continued involvement with the MA.
Victims of sexual assault often go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn — both freeze and fawn responses are common responses amongst victims of sexual assault. This is especially true in cases where someone has previously been the victim of sexual assault. A lack of resistance, silence, or immediate reaction should not be taken as a sign of consent.
My short-lived relationship with Alex was a meditation and trauma-fueled mess of emotions, intensity, unmet needs, heartfelt desires, illusions of an improbable future, and romantic passion following a very traumatic experience between two people who didnt have healthy boundaries or a healthy relationship. Conversations in December thru February of 2021 with Alex indicated to me that he understood the non-consensual nature of the encounter between us, that he believed he and the organization had behaved wrongfully towards me and mistreated me, and that he understood and was afraid of the potential legal, social and professional implications for himself and the organization. I first informed Alex of my intention to share my experience publicly in January 2021 to which he responded very poorly by threatening me. He informed me that he had plenty of money for a good defense, that he wouldn’t want to end up in a court with me, and that he “wouldn’t want to see me get hurt.” In February 2021 we had an extensive conversation about the lack of consent in our first sexual interaction before any other sexual engagement happened between us. Alex expressed deep regret and apologized for not seeking my consent. He told me that he loved me and wanted to build a life with me. He promised me that he was committed to transformation and healing, striving for a healthy relationship, and positive contribution to the greater world and that he would show me this. Afterward, Alex sought consent during all future sexual encounters. Both these conversations and others led me to believe that Alex understood the seriousness of his actions at that time. I feel foolish for having believed Alex was sincere and/or capable of living up to these aspirations. I was blinded by my desire for these things to be true. I failed to recognize then the cycle of abuse and unhealthy dynamics between us including the inappropriate and rapid escalation of our relationship. I, unfortunately, did not have a solid support system that I could turn to for support and guidance at that time. All of which contributed significantly to my staying in an unhealthy relational dynamic in which there was no basis for trust.
Throughout our relationship from mid-February to mid-August 2021, Alex and I continued to have many conversations about the MA, the ethics of how I and other past members have been treated, and the impact of his and the MA’s actions. I continued to struggle post-OAK. I was depressed and anxious, and my nervous system was dysregulated due to the traumatic events. At one point in time, Alex told me “I just needed to get over my trauma.” I felt that I could not trust Alex and would not be safe with him as long as he continued to be involved with Soryu or the MA. Alex frequently spoke of wanting us to recreate the conditions and environment at OAK/MAPLE in an AI safety-focused community. While I actively supported Alex’s pursuit of Buddhist practice and AI safety research it was apparent to me that the Monastic Academy was not an appropriate model for a functional nonprofit, retreat center, or community. I also saw Alex displaying many symptoms common amongst people who’ve just left a cult. I worried about his safety and psychological well-being if he continued to be involved with or returned to the MA. I felt distressed and conflicted regarding our relationship, his involvement, whether to share my experiences at the MA, the stories I was hearing from other former residents about past harm, and the potential risks I knew existed to current and future MA residents. I spoke openly and frankly to Alex about these concerns throughout our relationship — which resulted in him shutting down, disassociating, and withdrawing especially towards the end. Despite his “supposedly” leaving the organization to be together Alex continued to financially support the MA, following Soryu Forall’s teachings, and held as his utmost priority in his orientation to the situation his own professional reputation and the reputation of the organization regardless of the negative impact on myself or our relationship.
In his post Alex misrepresents our open relationship, naming a one-time failure on my part to check in while he was out of cell service on a backpacking trip and at a time when our relationship was already on the rocks as the reason we broke up. This mistake on my part was followed immediately with full disclosure and an apology to Alex. After discussion, he shared that he had forgiven me and didn’t hold it against me. Extensive conversations over those weeks centered primarily around our divergent views of Soryu and the MA and his continued involvement after the events at OAK along with discussion about differing relational goals/needs/issues/fundamental disconnects between us which were the real reason for our relationship ending. If Alex’s primary motivation for breaking up was that I failed to check in it was not at all apparent to me. For weeks prior to this Alex was not showing up with supportive actions or choices for me or the relationship despite his declarations of love and commitment. Alex also distorts the timeline of the events by claiming we were together for most of the year and by saying that he returned from a backpacking trip “near the end of the year.” It was July. He says I posted my open letter shortly after our breakup, but by the time I posted my letter we had not spoken in months. Alex presents these events as if they are casual — as if one thing led to another — so as to imply my reasons for writing are nothing more than personal retaliation against him for breaking up rather than a valid and real representation of my experience and critique of Monastic Academy. His presentation of the information surrounding our relationship and breakup intentionally omits relevant information so as to create a false narrative and is a classic example of DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) manipulation tactics.
I posted my open letter in December after considering sharing it for almost a year. Alex had known for a long time that I felt like sharing my experience at the MA was the most integral thing I could do in light of the damage caused to myself and others, the lack of appropriate response from the MA, and the potential risks to current and future participants. The decision to tell the full truth about my experience was a very difficult one. My open letter makes clear that my primary focus is not on Alex. It’s about the Monastic Academy’s operations, my experience there which of course he was a big part of— and most of all the concern I have for the safety and wellbeing of other people who choose to become involved in this organization. Unfortunately, Alex had a long history of dishonesty and/or omitting the truth in his interpersonal relationships long before I met him or the MA. It’s clear to me now that throughout the time I’ve known him he has always told me what he thought would benefit him most and that he has always made the choices that would benefit him most regardless of whether they were ethical or the harmful impact they might have on somebody else. Which is something others might want to consider in their dealings with Alex. His views and rationale on the “expected utility maximization” and benefits of lying and/or truth-telling can be found in his post Rational lies — LessWrong.
It would be inaccurate and dishonest for me to characterize my experience as anything other than “sexual assault” or rape because I was not a consenting and willing participant. Since it would be considered sexual assault if a coworker approached me and groped my breasts without my consent it also stands to reason that if a man suddenly and unexpectedly sticks his penis inside me without any warning and without my consent that is also sexual assault.
California Penal Code 261 PC defines the crime of rape as using force, violence, threats, coercion, or fraud as a means of having non-consensual sexual intercourse with another person. For a full definition of how California State law defines rape and sexual abuse.
This incident of sexual assault meets the federal definition of “rape”, but may or may not meet the definition of rape in California. This sexual assault did not involve physical violence or threats, and I am uncertain of how California law would define or evaluate force, sexual coercion, or the ability to give consent in this situation. Therefore I generally use the term sexual assault when writing. Whether it was an unintentional mistake made in the heat of the moment or Alex knew exactly what he was doing beforehand what happened on that beach that day was not love — it was sexual assault and it was deeply traumatizing to be mistreated by this person and the organization in the aftermath of a sexual experience that I did not choose.
The best way to avoid sexually assaulting another person and accusations of sexual assault is to seek affirmative consent. The relationship between California state laws and federal law regarding sexual assault as well as the precedent for “affirmative consent” has been established by California’s “Yes means Yes” standard which establishes the standards by which colleges and universities must evaluate sexual misconduct cases. “Affirmative consent is a conscious, voluntary, mutual, and enthusiastic agreement to engage in sexual activity. Each person must be fully aware, equally free of coercion, communicating clearly and unambiguously, and sincere in their desires. Consent must be ongoing, and can be revoked at any time.”
What you’re describing is unambiguously rape.
(I would even argue that penetrating you by surprise and without asking would count as using force, and even on the off chance that some particular state doesn’t correctly define it as rape, it was rape nevertheless.)
Thank you for writing this, it was incredibly brave of you.
Thank you for sharing this reflection. I straightforwardly agree with you—and have also felt conflicted re: different definitions and laws and the limited language we have to describe these experiences about what term to use. Part of the motivation for sharing is that I know I’m not alone in this kind of experience, even if the specific details differ across the experiences of many different people. Thank you for witnessing.
Thank you for writing this; I’m sure it must have been incredibly challenging to put this into words, and I want to explicitly convey my appreciation. No community is immune to bad actors, and it is vitally important that we act with that knowledge. I do not personally know anyone involved, and have no more access to the facts of the case than what is presented here and in linked posts, but it seems to me that Alex is probably not engaging in a good-faith dispute over the definition of assault. By this I mean that I would not expect there to be any statement you could give which (if true) would lead to him saying “oh, I guess I did assault you then.” Personal experience with (friends who’ve interacted with) abusers has led me to believe that there is a strong tendency towards public denial of the facts of the case, regardless of what is said or admitted in private. As such, I’d encourage you not to doubt yourself (or your memories) too much if he ends up saying that events happened differently than how you remember or something—this would not be an unexpected response, and it would be bad if you updated too strongly against your own self-confidence as a result. (I’m saying this because, again based on personal experience with friends in similar situations, self-doubt seems to be a common pattern when dealing with this sort of thing) Of course the reality of the situation may actually be different than what appears to me based on publicly accessible data, so take all of the above as being conditional on that, as I may be misreading what’s going on. If so, apologies for any misunderstandings. Sending love and support your way :)
Thank you Yitz for this caring and reflective message. Thank you for sharing what you’ve experienced and witnessed with friends. Creating healthier boundaries, good therapy, and connecting with others regarding their experiences of sexual harassment and molestation at the MA—and subsequent removal and ostracization when they complained has helped me to remain clear in the face of gaslighting and denial from Alex and other persons who are a part of the MA.
I’ve done what I can to raise a red flag for others and to expose what to me is a systemic issue regarding the abuses of power, lack of experience/competence, and organizational/structural factors that contribute to harm. To be clear I think the majority of abuse happening at the MA is spiritual, psychological and emotional rather then sexual (though I am not the first and will likely not be the last if real change doesn occur) and exists within a cultic dynamic. I think many current and former members have been embedded in a framework that creates an alternate sense of reality, brainwashing, vulnerability, emeshment, dissolving of personal boundaries and agency, assuming of a cult identity, delusional/lying to themselves, guru worship, cognitive dissonance, dysregulation of nervous systems, extreme fear and a sense of the rest of the world being bad, and a belief that they are doing and accomplishing something when in fact they offer no real contribution to the world. They meditate a lot and the environment produces shitty leadership. There do have profound mystic experiences, they do form close bounds with other community/cult members, and some people value their experiences there but from where I’m sitting I haven’t seen those people demonstrate the capacity, skill, attunement, wisdom, responsibility or compassion that they believe themselves to be striving for. It’s a sad situation. I think people waste a lot of time there and even if they themselves don’t get severely traumatized there they come out with a distorted sense of leadership and reality that makes it hard to interface with the rest of the world or genuinely have a positive impact.
The reality is I would not have chosen to share my personal experience of sexual assault if it did not exist within the context of a systemic pattern of abuse affecting many persons in that environment. In many ways, the responses of Alex and the organization are to be expected and follow the typical patterns of many abusers. It is unlikely that there will be an admission of responsibility both because of the legal and social consequences of admitting responsibility and because of the cultic dynamics present. The lack of accountability, victim-blaming, obvious conflicts of interest, and absence of compassion or truth-seeking in the responses of the organization, Alex, and some other current members further demonstrates the patterns to which I am attempting to alert others too. They are painful to read and it is painful to see my ex-partner’s denial, confusion, and continued entanglement with a “spiritual teacher” I believe is very unsafe both for himself and others. I will not be updating my sense of reality or confidence against the perceptions and interpretations of those I believe are a bit out of touch with reality or in some combination of denial/delusion/dishonesty with themselves and others. I know what I experienced with Alex and the MA- even if it is a bit unclear to me at times which actions were motivated by clear intent vs. dysregulation, unskillfulness, negligence, and incompetence. I believe that the difficult responses and attempts to reframe events or reverse blame in those responses make it easier for some people (especially those familiar with patterns of abuse) to see what I am attempting to illuminate. My hope is that others will be empowered to make healthier choices for themselves about their involvement and/or if they choose to engage in that environment they will be more aware when harm is happening in that context. Already a number of people have contacted me about their own past experiences, their consideration of becoming involved, and/or their decision not to become involved, or their recognition of how unhealthy their involvement with the organization was. At this point in time, I feel that while I had hoped for more genuine and productive reflection from Alex and the organization—my open letter has accomplished its purpose of sharing my experience and feedback with the organization and broader community and alerting others to the concerns I have about how the organization is operating.
Sending love and support back your way, to those friends, and to anyone else who found themselves in like circumstances. May you be well, and thank you for taking the time to read and respond.
[ outsider’s view—I don’t know any of the involved people, and while I’m heartbroken over the pain that was caused and continues to be experienced, my response says more about me than about you. ]
This sucks. It’s horrific that it happened to you, it’s terrible that circumstances allowed it to happen, and horrific and that neither of you were able to see the harm in the moment in order to recognizing the harm and fully disengage to prevent further harm.
And part of me still summarizes it as “cults gonna cult”. There’s something in the very nature of intense spiritual guidance programs that attract both victims and abusers, and encourages acceptance of boundary-violations and an attitude of “some rules don’t apply here”. And the urge to cover-up and minimize scandal is strong in every organization and individual, of course.
You were raped. You stayed with your rapist for some time after that, giving the outward appearance, at least, that you’d forgiven it, and that it wasn’t that big a deal. You now realize that it WAS a big deal, and you were harmed greatly. This really is horrible, and I’m deeply sorry you’re going through it.
I’m not sure I have any advice for what to do now. You’re not likely to get closure on message boards or other community-based discussions, you’ll just keep re-opening the wound. The California statute of limitations hasn’t passed, so you might be able to file a formal complaint and at least get validation that it was rape, but you risk a lot of pain in the process, and feeling even worse if it doesn’t result in any convictions. I hate to recommend “distance yourself and move on”, but that’s probably what I’d do.
She doesn’t want to permanently destroy his life because her definition of rape is focused on consent violations, not on ‘vicious crime that must be punished severely’.
I’ve come to believe that she actually doesn’t see rape or sexual assault as automatically a serious crime deserving of serious punishment, but that makes communicating with people whose English got wired up differently in childhood difficult on both sides.
This might be a good invitation to examine the “wiring” we’ve received about sexual violence and how it may both support and/or limit our ability to engage with these issues. Perhaps what you are picking up on is that my views hold more complexity and nuance than what you’ve attempted to reduce them to here—and yet I think you are picking up on and highlighting some important things.
I do think the violation of sexual consent( I.e sexual assault or rape) is a serious crime and an act of violence that causes real harm. It’s worth noting that rape victims seldom receive justice through the courts and that a trial process can often be retraumatizing. Each person must make their own choice about whether they want to pursue that path as a means to retribution and if the cost, risk, and time is worth it to them.
I also do not think that all acts of sexual violence are created equal. For example, my experience was not the same thing as having my life threatened with a weapon as an act of sexual coercion—and those experiences should probably not be evaluated or penalized in the same way. Still, a serious violation of my agency occurred and the resulting psychological, relational, and emotional harm and suffering as a result of the physical violation AND the ways in which I was treated after the assault has been significant.
The language used to speak about sexual violence is limited. It might be helpful if our language and definitions of sexual violence were more nuanced, included more categories, and were more specific about the types of experiences people are having—but they are not. The issue of what language to use and how to articulate an experience is frequently a challenge for many people when writing about various forms of sexual violence.
I’m not sure that “a serious crime that must be punished severely” or “permanently destroying his life” is an approach that many people want to apply to any person they’ve loved—and you are right in recognizing that that is not what I want for the person who assaulted me. I think Alex’s actions have also caused himself pain and suffering—which he alludes to in his description of overwhelming shame and confusion. What I do think would probably be an ideal response is financial restitution for the cost of recovery and lost wages over the past year and a half, acknowledgment of the harm done by himself and the organization—especially to other members of the MA’s community, some kind of restorative process that involves both of us, and a commitment to continued education focused on sexual violence and consent and rehabilitative/counseling services regarding these issues and whatever underlying attitudes or traumas maybe driving Alex’s harmful patterns of behavior for a certain period of time. This seems unlikely to occur while Alex remains a part of the MA—and it is clear that according to his own account Soryu, his teacher whom has motive to have these claims denied, seems to be actively supporting Alex’s denial of responsibility. I also think the organization needs to engage in a similar process of making repairs for the harm they’ve caused, in developing accountability—especially regarding the extensive harm Soryu has caused over the past ten years, and in outside training for their leaders and teachers regarding how to appropriately handle issues of misconduct if/when they arise. At this point in time, both those outcomes seem very unlikely—and I am still figuring out what to do from here.
It’s also worth noting that I think a punitive model of justice such as exists in our country is generally not a helpful response to most crimes—so it follows that I don’t necessarily know if that model is effective at addressing the core issues that contribute toward sexual violence and/or repairing the harm done to victims. That approach may be an appropriate response to some cases, but it also makes it harder for both victims and perpetrators to talk about and acknowledge wrongdoing, engage in rehabilitation, education, restorative processes, and/or make amends. I do not claim to be an expert of such matters—but am noting that our current approach to sexual violence and legal system has been highly ineffective.
Use of the phrase “sexual assault” in the title, and describing very clearly an uninvited, unexpected, and nonconsentual penetrative sex act is indicative to me that this is impactful to you, that you feel attacked, and that your attacker committed a crime.
Whether that’s “a serious crime that must be punished severely” is a much harder question. Or really, two questions. It sounds like a serious crime to me. Whether it must be punished and how is a question of your model of his responsibility, your need for closure and/or retribution, and your ideas about signalling to the world just how acceptable or not this action was.
I’d advise first to take care of yourself—whatever you need to minimize long-term harm on your life. For some, that’s prosecution, for some, that’s just moving away and living well. For very few, I contend, it is talking about it on message boards while staying involved in the same communities where you’re either reminded of it all the time or feel like it’s being ignored or suppressed.
The effect on him (“destroy his life”) DOES affect you—you care about him as an individual human, not just as a criminal. You absolutely should take that into account. But also the effect on the world—his assault is NOT incredibly rare. It happens somwhat often in intense quasi-religious relationships, and it doesn’t appear from outside that there have been significant consequences to him. “rape culture” is the default when such harms are not normally punished. That sucks, and it’s not your responsibility to change it, but it is a factor you should consider.
I led my comment with an acknowledgement that my comments say more about me than about you. I repeat that, and I hope none of this has increased your pain. Your first duty is always to yourself, and whatever you think best is probably right.
First of all, I want to express appreciation for your acknowledgment of how heartbreaking this situation has been and the suffering involved. This comment is a response to both of your comments.
As you’ve highlighted in your comments are reflective of your views—and not of my own. In some ways, it feels like you are putting a lot on me about what to do and what my views of sexual assault and punishment do or do not mean. I don’t think that’s intended. I sense tha
tyour goal here is to be reflective and helpful but it’s worth noting that my post was not a request for advice. There is also probably a way to address the points you are making that expresses your thoughts without making statements about what my experience is and is not which hits a nerve. Overall I didn’t experience your comments as distressing or the like, I’m just wanting to note those things. These are, of course, difficult conversations to navigate for anyone for obvious reasons as are many topics that are sensitive and emotionally charged.And yes it’s obvious from my post that I do feel a crime has been committed by both my former partner and the organization (as you summarized.) It is unfortunate that neither he nor the organization has demonstrated a willingness to be accountable—but also not surprising cause “cults gonna cult.” I am not sure that I can change that and I definitely cannot change them if they aren’t interested in changing. I certainly cannot change all of “rape culture” though it would be nice if I could.
I do not think that what has happened is acceptable whatever else others may feel my statements and feelings reflect. I am also NOT just now realizing how bad or harmful it was as you’ve stated in your earlier comment. I’ve always known what I experienced was a big deal. There probably are some ways I minimized his responsibility and rationalized the abuse that was not healthy in the past in order to maintain the connection and in order to protect myself from feeling the full weight and devastation of the experience all at once. Processing that event and the accompanying complex dynamics and emotions has not happened all at once but in pieces over time with significant support. Getting to a place where one can both articulate a complex and traumatic experience let alone be emotionally stable enough and well enough to risk sharing publicly takes time—but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t aware of the seriousness of the incident back then. It’s likely that there are people who could not see what was happening to me internally or who are making many different assumptions about me and my experience based on the fact that I had a relationship with Alex after this incident. The assumptions others make are another thing I don’t have control over. I basically could use/have had to grow another layer of skin the past six months.
If I understand your comment correctly you put forward that the lack of accountability and punishment is a contributor to “rape culture”. I agree with that. You mention considering the impact on the world that “a lack of accountability” would have and I just want to say that I’ve probably more deeply considered this than most people have. I am not advocating for a lack of accountability—but I do care about my ex-partner as a human being.
In an ideal world, if either Alex or the MA were willing ( and I don’t get the sense that they are) my preference in this specific situation would be for accountability and healing to happen through financial compensation for harm, restoratives processes, organizational changes, education focused on addressing misconduct, the removal of the “spiritual teacher” from any position of power in the organization due to his ongoing history of negligence and abuse which many people have attempted to address for many years, and the person(s) who harmed me seeking professional rehabilitative and therapeutic support outside the organization. The behaviors described above and others I experienced with my ex-partner were abusive and/or were unhealthy and it was unhealthy for me to have a relationship with him in spite of these violations and the red flags I was seeing. In many ways Alex is also a beautiful person whom at times greatly inspired me, but like many people who perpetuate unhealthy patterns including abusive behaviors he has his own history of trauma and abuse he has experienced. He continues to participate those addictive patterns and unhealthy relationships through his involvement with the MA while believing himself to be pursuing liberation. I hope at some point he will pursue real therapuetic intervention and support instead of simply trying to meditate his problems away. I do believe there is a path to restoration and healing for my ex-partner and for those who were involved in covering it up if they choose to engage with accountability, restoration, and healing. I cannot make him or anyone else walk that path—and at this point it’s time for me heal from that relationship (which was a real mindfuck) and to examine what factors/behaviors in my own life contributed to my engagement in a dynamic that was clearly unhealthy for me after abuse had occurred.
When I think of “severe punishment” I think of prison time—and persons who’ve committed crimes being placed in often hostile and violent environments. Wanting a loved one to be accountable and to address harmful and abusive acts or patterns of behavior is very different from wanting maximum retribution or inflicting extreme suffering on another which I think rarely leads to deep inner change and healing for individuals, between people, and for communities. I think there is probably not a one size fits all solution for crime- and that there are experts in this field who have more insight than I do about how to address the systemic nature of these issues.
As it currently stands very few legal cases pressing for rape result in convictions—and the consequences and impacts of sexual assault undoubtedly fall disproportionality to victims. I am however not opposed to considering legal action—but I do haft to consider the costs, benefits/drawbacks, and impact that a trial might have on myself/others just as I consider the impact on myself and on other people who will be impacted when I write or engage in conversations in a public forum.
I am not looking to receive a sense of closure from message boards—and there are many ways that I’m actively engaged and supported in my recovery that go beyond this space. Trust me when I say I am taking care of myself as well as I know how to do. Seeking closure is not my purpose here—and while you may think it is advisable to simply disengage (and there may be a time and place for that) at my own discretion I have my reasons for continuing to write about this experience.
There is a lot of context in this situation that is not readily apparent to someone reading these posts and which when it comes to writing and reading “ain’t nobody got time for that”. Complex context and emotions make it more challenging for me to decide what to share and not share—and likely make it difficult for readers to fully understand the various emotions, motivations, and the perspective(s) that I do share.
I can tell you what is a primary motivator for me. In this situation, too many other people have been harmed and will be harmed in this particular environment (and if we are talking about sexual assault and rape in general that extends far beyond this environment)- and I have had multiple conversations with past residents who felt they “should have done more” or whom even tried to address various issues with the organization to prevent harm to others without success. Few people are willing to share their own stories though for a multitude of reasons—and that choice is up to them and it’s understandable why some people choose not to. That along with a stubborn determination to not be silenced, or to allow those who’ve mistreated me to benefit from my “distancing myself and moving on”. I do think that this experience has shown me the deep level of complicity many of us have had through our silence—and that is a pattern I wish to break from. I do not wish to be complicit in my own abuse or the abuse of others through my silence. However, “not unique” my experience it feels important to me to speak about it until I’m finished. I’m sure the man who assaulted me and the MA would LOVE for me to simply go away, disengage from these communities, and not speak about my experience because then they could simply deny it, let it blow over, and carry on with business as usual. As long as I am alive and they remain unaccountable I do not intend on making that easy. Only I can decide when, how, and if that’s what I want to do and what best serves me as you’ve already noted above.
Thanks for reading and engaging. Be well.
“Removed.”
The comment section on this particular post isn’t the place for these musings. I’d suggest that, if you’re interested in expressing such views, you do so in a separate post or in a shortform.
Fair. I removed it.
Unfortunately, the clear-cut “only a clear verbal yes means yes” definition of consent doesn’t quite mesh well with how humans actually interact. Women have a general tendency to want men to be able to read their minds, and so outright asking “do you want to have sex right now” often carries a penalty in the likelihood of sex actually occurring. The actual reality of human courtship is that men push boundaries until they meet a “wait, stop”, at which point they stop, retract a few steps and try again. The usual dance is that women get to see the men actually stop their advances when she says “stop” for the first time, and this builds confidence that the man will actually honor a request to stop, maybe the man touches her breast while they’re kissing, she says “slow down”, and the man listens and actually slows down, which provides evidence that she can actually stop the interaction at any further point. So the actual practice of consent is “Is she saying stop? And has she demonstrated that she trusts me enough to believe that I’ll respect her ‘stop’? ”. Any attempt from a man to abide by a different definition will lead to him having lower amounts of sex… and that’s a rather unlikely price for men to pay.
You of course have the right to feel however you want about your experience, but that you were raped by the federal definition doesn’t make Alex a “rapist”, with all the baggage that such a term carries. It just makes him a normal guy going by the actual practice of consent, who misread the situation and assumed that you’d trust him enough to stop if you said “stop”. The strict definition of consent would define an overwhelming fraction of all sexual acts as being rape. In this particular case, you were both naked on the beach, and I think a large fraction of men would at least try to escalate the situation. Though going directly to sex without foreplay is pretty bad, and the retreat mind-state is weird enough that the alcohol rules should apply, really intensive retreat can give much more of an altered state than just being drunk.
I find this comment offensive.
First, your description of the process of consent is not universal; it doesn’t describe any relationship I’ve been in going all the way back to when I was a teenager. At the very least this should tell you that this series of events wasn’t acceptable because it’s “just the way humans interact.” Many men, including myself, actually talk to the women we want to have sex with, and “having lower amounts of sex” is far from an adequate reason to resort to the boundary-pushing and manipulation you describe.
Second, “the fact that you were raped doesn’t make Alex a rapist” is a patently absurd position to hold, not to mention an incredible red flag for anyone who might consider being at all vulnerable around you in the future. The mental gymnastics required are mind-boggling. It appears the case you’re making by saying “you were both naked on the beach, and I think a large fraction of men would at least try to escalate the situation” is something like “you were standing in traffic, you shouldn’t be surprised you got hit by a car”. This is textbook victim-blaming and completely ignores the perpetrator’s agency in the matter. I would say it’s akin to saying “you were eating a sandwich in public, and I think a large fraction of men are so hungry they would at least try to punch you and steal it.” If “retreat mind-state” is the defense here then I guess those retreats should probably not be happening. If I took the series of actions described in the open letter on my own fiancee I would think she would be disturbed and traumatized by the experience, to say nothing of the more ambiguous context described above.
Third and lastly; regardless of what views you may hold in private, it’s incredibly hostile behavior to make this case on a self-described assault victim’s post about the incident. The whole comments serves to demean OP’s perspective and you then condescend that “she can feel however she wants” as if you haven’t just described at length why you think she’s foolish and misguided.
Ah, I think you’re right, it was very unkind to post this here, and I regret it. Though I think from your reply and the downvotes that I didn’t properly articulate my view, but I don’t think that a debate would be especially useful here.
Thank you for this response and for so clearly pointing out these issues. I also found this comment offensive and hostile—and do not think I could have better or more concisely articulated these points as you have or that they would have been as well-received coming from myself. I appreciate the clarity, awareness, and directness in your response.
Razied, what you have written here and in Alex’s comments is indicative of rape culture—and the reality of “human courtship” is that women are tired of being sexually assaulted. Almost every single woman and probably most men will recognize this as a straightforward description of sexual assault or rape. What you are describing may be a common approach people take but also often leads to situations in which people, usually women get hurt. Even the scenario you described in your comment does not at all fit my experience with Alex. One should never go from 0 to 100 in a sexual encounter—and in this case, there was “zero” opportunity to say “slow down” or “stop”—and he did break my trust, clearly I could NOT trust him to respect the boundaries we had set, or to take a walk or to go swimming with him.
Without both parties’ consent and without freewill any sexual encounter IS sexual assault. What you have written grossly ignores the reality in which there are many circumstances and reasons for which a person—usually a woman may not feel safe enough to say No and that does not mean she is a willing participant. This could be anything from the sheer size and physical dominance of the assailant to the assailant is her boss and she has two children at home depending on her pay to previous experiences of sexual violence to she already set a boundary and said no but he has continued to push her boundaries anyways.
“Alex is a normal guy going by the actual practice of consent” ← This is the whole problem right here. So much misunderstanding and sexual violence stems from this kind of thinking.
First of all, that’s bullshit. You weren’t there and you are not the one living with the impact of Alex’s actions. Secondly, “Normal guys” who engage in the behaviors you described can and do sexually assault women both intentionally and unintentionally—which is why I am now advocating for and am now requiring a “yes means yes” approach in my own personal life. There are also as the above response indicates many men who can and do understand the importance of talking to the women they engage with and affirming that there is consent. “Normal guys” need to educate themselves about consent, to behave in sexually responsible ways, to understand the impact they have, and to make amends when they cause harm. In this case, this is known as a “non-violent” assault. I do not think violent and nonviolent sexual assaults are the same- and I think that the stigma and “baggage” you’ve mentioned is exactly what makes it difficult for many men (and women) to be honest about and to have difficulty discussing issues of sexual violence.
Please educate yourself about what sexual violence and consent “actually” are- because what you are sharing shows that you may not understand how to navigate consent in a healthy way which can be detrimental to both the people you interact with AND to yourself. I am not saying you are a bad person but what you are saying here is a clear indicator that you are unsafe to the women you interact with within a sexual context (not to mention your distinct lack of compassion towards myself or general social awareness.)
I also want to point to the fact that Alex was in an explicit position of power in which he had a responsibility to hold the retreat container. These are rhetorical questions but I say these because it sounds like you are a meditator. Can you imagine going to a silent meditation retreat—a place you have been told was safe, trustworthy, and a place for meditation, reflection, and growth—and then being sexually assaulted by the director? Can you imagine having your first really powerful awakening experience and being in such a vulnerable state—and being mistreated by not only that person but also by other leadership members and then being sent away from the sangha unexpectedly for a sexual act that you had no choice in and which went against your explicitly stated wishes? Can you imagine what it would be like to know that someone you loved had betrayed you because his “spiritual teacher” told him to? Can you imagine struggling through waves of anxiety and aversion for months every time you sat down to meditate—when before it had been a deeply healing, calming, transformative, and beneficial awakening practice?
Nowhere in my writing have I labeled Alex or said this man is a bad person, I have simply described the events in question and why I feel that sexual assault is an accurate characterization. In fact, on the contrary, I have stated publicly in my open letter that I wish for Alex to have real support and accountability, increased awareness and education, have a healthy community and be cared for, and be able to heal. Still, what Alex did and the way he has treated me since then is not ok. I will not be silenced as Alex and others have attempted to do in the past. I will speak frankly about my experiences which exist within a much larger social and cultural context in which sexual violence needs to be examined and addressed and within the context of an organization that is still causing harm to vulnerable people.
Well, I can already see that nothing productive would come out of a discussion between us, I suspect we’d be talking past each other too much. In any case, I apologize for posting that comment here. I wish you a happy life, and hope you’ll continue intensive meditation, its effects on moral improvement are greatly overstated, but those on happiness improvements are not.
If all young women could be provided with bodyguards or maybe drones they would be kept very busy.
Trolling is not welcome on LW, and is especially inappropriate here.
It seems to me they might be saying that young women are often in danger.
Not a trol but a true statement. Women are subjected to so many unwelcome advances that their “protectors” would be kept very busy fending them off. I should have qualified my statement by adding that older women also have that problem.
Thanks for clarifying!It’s true that many women experience unwelcome advances—and you are right that it’s so prolific that many security bots could be kept busy. That’s part of why I think comprehensive sex education including how to responsibly navigate sexual consent, developing healthy realtionship and communication skills, and understanding ones personal power/responsibility for ones impact might be one of the best solutions for reducing the systemic nature of sexual violence.