TLDR: People often kiss/go home with each other after meeting in clubs, less so bars. This isn’t necessarily always obvious but should be observable when looking out for it.
OK, so I think most of the comments here don’t understand clubs (@Myron Hedderson’s comment has some good points though). As someone who has made out with a few people in clubs, and still goes from time to time I’ll do my best to explain my experiences.
I’ve been to bars and clubs in a bunch of places, mostly in the UK but also elsewhere in Europe and recently in Korea and South East Asia.
In my experience, bars don’t see too many hookups, especially since most people go with friends and spend most of their time talking to them. I imagine that one could end up pairing up at a bar if they were willing enough to meet new people and had a good talking game (and this also applied to the person they paired up with), but I feel like most of the actual action happens in clubs on the dancefloor.
I think matching can happen at just about any club in my experience, although I think . Most of the time it just takes the form of 2 people colliding (not necessarily literally), looking at each other, drunkeness making both much more obvious than usual and then them spending a while making out with each other. Sometimes things go beyond that point. Mostly not, in my experience although a friend recently told me that he rarely kisses girls in clubs and instead directly asks them home (apparently successfully).
I’ve seen enough people making out in clubs before to be confused as to why John hasn’t seen this sort of behaviour. I don’t know in what ways clubbing in the Bay Area is different from the UK, so I won’t speculate on that but I think that there is sometimes a difference in attitude depending on the music being played. In particular, I think people are more likely to make out to pop/classics than to e.g house. It may also just be that I’m more likely to kiss people when listening to music I enjoy.
Additional advice for clubs (heterosexual male):
Go there to enjoy the music (this may sound weird but enjoying clubs is very much a skill)
Don’t worry about pairing up with someone too much, this will remove opportunities to have fun (although you can still take actions which improve your odds)
Drink enough that you have no issues with dancing badly
When dancing, do literally any movement in time with the beat (ideally make the motions as varied as possible)
Humour is king, if something funny pops into your head do it.
Good examples: Miming the lyrics of a song (depending on the song), dancing with another guy (the more exaggerated, the more obvious it is you’re being funny), miming sex positions (you’d be shocked how many people in clubs are completely cool with this, and just find it entertaining)
If someone else does something entertaining support them (apart from anything else the more funny stuff is happening around you the more you have to bounce off of)
These tips do tend to require some extroversion—I don’t know how good this advice is macroscopically but in the clubbing scene this tends to be achieved via alcohol
If getting with girls really is the priority, then be obvious (there’s always the caveat not to do things likely to upset people, but I think that in the context of a) LessWrong b) clubs, the advice is overwhelmingly on the side of being far more forward and less worried about misdemeanours)
Pick one girl and single her out, don’t hedge your bets. Read body language (it’ll be more obvious when everyone else is drunk, and hearing each other can be a pain)
If rejected, brush yourself off and try again (probably in another part of the club, although remember having fun is the main thing so don’t abandon a good group)
The centre of the circle is centre stage—go nuts here, this is your opportunity to entertain people with the dumbest idea that just occurred to you
Caveats: this is what works for me. I have found that people consistently commenting they enjoy nights out with me significantly more than average, and I have found I enjoy nights out more when I employ these methods. I have not tried this everywhere and there have been places where I’ve felt a bit out of place (although I’d still argue I was having more fun than those around me).
I expect introverts to be scared by many of the ideas here, but I also feel like there are situations in life where acting more confident is universally better (public speaking is another example). Personally I’ve found this becomes easier with time and practise. Good luck all.
Edit: I just remembered I first got together with my ex-girlfriend at a bar. However we already knew each other and decided to meet up just the 2 of us, which is a somewhat different situation from most occasions I go to the bar.
How do you find good places and times to go? You just described exactly the sort of clubbing experience I most enjoy, but I’ve never had many close friends into it so I don’t really know where to look.
Yeah having the right friends to go with is important. I’ve recently finished university so that’s been easier for me than most, but in general I think it’s easier when going to an event with a decent number of people (I play ice hockey and so team/club dinners are a good example). With more people there’s a greater chance of there being a critical mass willing to go.
Aside from that I’ve recently been backpacking around Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand and I’ve found that being in a hostel makes it incredibly easy to meet people and go out locally. This does require being comfortable in that environment though.
I think that all you really need is one friend who is willing to go with you, and they then become the main point of contact when you want to go.
It’s also possible to go alone, especially in communities like the backpacker community where it’s incredibly easy to meet people. This is generally a lot more sketchy in many places though as you have no backup if you e.g get spiked or drink too much.
Oh I have no problem going clubbing alone, I can have plenty of fun dancing with strangers. The hard part is finding the right club on the right night; AFAICT most of them are dead most nights. How do you solve that problem?
Oof honestly I feel like I mostly just kind of go and find a place with decent music that’s open. I normally find there’s at least one (or maybe my standards are just low), but I’d imagine that in places where that isn’t the case you’d be able to look on the good clubs websites to see when they have events.
I know that in Oxford clubs often have weekly theme nights, such as this one https://www.bridgeoxford.co.uk/wednesday. I’d imagine that a quick browse of your favourite clubs’ websites would give you a good idea of where to go when.
I’ve not done this myself* (my clubbing days were long ago now) but a few approaches:
If you live somewhere where some areas specialize in nightlife—bars, clubs, restaurants and even cool street scene—then just be a tourist there for a bit. You’ll see/find something that seems to fit for you.
Used to be “City Papers” that tended to focus on social life and what was happening during the week/month for people to learn about. So you’d hear about live music or popular DJs and where they were playing.
2a. More current take I assume would be online versions of this.
Social apps that are about meetups (One is called that) but I suspect even FB has something along these lines, which have group you can join or are open to the public that talk about what activities, where and when the get together is occurs. So will specifically state they are NOT about any hookup possibility but other are about meeting others for more than the specific activity (activity is more about the introduction and something to so rather than the whole reason for going).
Last, you might check for any pub crawls going on. Some of the stops will be good clubs to check-out and even sometimes joining the crawl will offer opportunities. Particularly true if you’re good at joining in with some new group of strangers—very good social skills required as the group needs to want you to join.
* Well, I have used Meetups for getting together with others but that was language based for learning and practicing so anyone that seemed more interested in meeting and other activities were discouraged or kicked out if overly obvious.
What’s the age range on clubbing? I’m newly single at 43 and I might have aged out of it, and a 43 year old trying to dance the way he did in high school usually looks stupid. (Or at least my late wife thought so.)
I think with enough enthusiasm anyone can go clubbing, and tbh imo stuff which looks stupid in a club just becomes entertaining. If you really feel embarrassed about it, one way to go about this is to play into the stupidity by really overexaggerating the moves to play into the humour.
I think with age the ick comes from older guys who come to look at young girls and nothing else. I have a mate who’s 49 and comes out clubbing with us, and is more enthusiastic than any of us on the dance floor and everyone loves it.
My late wife in particular thought my dancing was bad, which is why I brought it up; I mentioned the term “dad dancing” to her and she thought it was an appropriate description. (She happened to be nine years younger than I was.)
The point about making out is very valid, I’ve seen that plenty of times, and that should count as “pairing up sexually”. For whatever reason/no good reason, it didn’t occur to me to mention it in my longer comment.
From the perspective of someone who has never actually enjoyed the clubbing experience before, the above advice sounds like good advice for how to have a better time. :)
TLDR: People often kiss/go home with each other after meeting in clubs, less so bars. This isn’t necessarily always obvious but should be observable when looking out for it.
OK, so I think most of the comments here don’t understand clubs (@Myron Hedderson’s comment has some good points though). As someone who has made out with a few people in clubs, and still goes from time to time I’ll do my best to explain my experiences.
I’ve been to bars and clubs in a bunch of places, mostly in the UK but also elsewhere in Europe and recently in Korea and South East Asia.
In my experience, bars don’t see too many hookups, especially since most people go with friends and spend most of their time talking to them. I imagine that one could end up pairing up at a bar if they were willing enough to meet new people and had a good talking game (and this also applied to the person they paired up with), but I feel like most of the actual action happens in clubs on the dancefloor.
I think matching can happen at just about any club in my experience, although I think . Most of the time it just takes the form of 2 people colliding (not necessarily literally), looking at each other, drunkeness making both much more obvious than usual and then them spending a while making out with each other. Sometimes things go beyond that point. Mostly not, in my experience although a friend recently told me that he rarely kisses girls in clubs and instead directly asks them home (apparently successfully).
I’ve seen enough people making out in clubs before to be confused as to why John hasn’t seen this sort of behaviour. I don’t know in what ways clubbing in the Bay Area is different from the UK, so I won’t speculate on that but I think that there is sometimes a difference in attitude depending on the music being played. In particular, I think people are more likely to make out to pop/classics than to e.g house. It may also just be that I’m more likely to kiss people when listening to music I enjoy.
Additional advice for clubs (heterosexual male):
Go there to enjoy the music (this may sound weird but enjoying clubs is very much a skill)
Don’t worry about pairing up with someone too much, this will remove opportunities to have fun (although you can still take actions which improve your odds)
Drink enough that you have no issues with dancing badly
When dancing, do literally any movement in time with the beat (ideally make the motions as varied as possible)
Humour is king, if something funny pops into your head do it.
Good examples: Miming the lyrics of a song (depending on the song), dancing with another guy (the more exaggerated, the more obvious it is you’re being funny), miming sex positions (you’d be shocked how many people in clubs are completely cool with this, and just find it entertaining)
If someone else does something entertaining support them (apart from anything else the more funny stuff is happening around you the more you have to bounce off of)
These tips do tend to require some extroversion—I don’t know how good this advice is macroscopically but in the clubbing scene this tends to be achieved via alcohol
If getting with girls really is the priority, then be obvious (there’s always the caveat not to do things likely to upset people, but I think that in the context of a) LessWrong b) clubs, the advice is overwhelmingly on the side of being far more forward and less worried about misdemeanours)
Pick one girl and single her out, don’t hedge your bets. Read body language (it’ll be more obvious when everyone else is drunk, and hearing each other can be a pain)
If rejected, brush yourself off and try again (probably in another part of the club, although remember having fun is the main thing so don’t abandon a good group)
The centre of the circle is centre stage—go nuts here, this is your opportunity to entertain people with the dumbest idea that just occurred to you
Caveats: this is what works for me. I have found that people consistently commenting they enjoy nights out with me significantly more than average, and I have found I enjoy nights out more when I employ these methods. I have not tried this everywhere and there have been places where I’ve felt a bit out of place (although I’d still argue I was having more fun than those around me).
I expect introverts to be scared by many of the ideas here, but I also feel like there are situations in life where acting more confident is universally better (public speaking is another example). Personally I’ve found this becomes easier with time and practise. Good luck all.
Edit: I just remembered I first got together with my ex-girlfriend at a bar. However we already knew each other and decided to meet up just the 2 of us, which is a somewhat different situation from most occasions I go to the bar.
How do you find good places and times to go? You just described exactly the sort of clubbing experience I most enjoy, but I’ve never had many close friends into it so I don’t really know where to look.
Yeah having the right friends to go with is important. I’ve recently finished university so that’s been easier for me than most, but in general I think it’s easier when going to an event with a decent number of people (I play ice hockey and so team/club dinners are a good example). With more people there’s a greater chance of there being a critical mass willing to go.
Aside from that I’ve recently been backpacking around Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand and I’ve found that being in a hostel makes it incredibly easy to meet people and go out locally. This does require being comfortable in that environment though.
I think that all you really need is one friend who is willing to go with you, and they then become the main point of contact when you want to go.
It’s also possible to go alone, especially in communities like the backpacker community where it’s incredibly easy to meet people. This is generally a lot more sketchy in many places though as you have no backup if you e.g get spiked or drink too much.
Oh I have no problem going clubbing alone, I can have plenty of fun dancing with strangers. The hard part is finding the right club on the right night; AFAICT most of them are dead most nights. How do you solve that problem?
Oof honestly I feel like I mostly just kind of go and find a place with decent music that’s open. I normally find there’s at least one (or maybe my standards are just low), but I’d imagine that in places where that isn’t the case you’d be able to look on the good clubs websites to see when they have events.
I know that in Oxford clubs often have weekly theme nights, such as this one https://www.bridgeoxford.co.uk/wednesday. I’d imagine that a quick browse of your favourite clubs’ websites would give you a good idea of where to go when.
I’ve not done this myself* (my clubbing days were long ago now) but a few approaches:
If you live somewhere where some areas specialize in nightlife—bars, clubs, restaurants and even cool street scene—then just be a tourist there for a bit. You’ll see/find something that seems to fit for you.
Used to be “City Papers” that tended to focus on social life and what was happening during the week/month for people to learn about. So you’d hear about live music or popular DJs and where they were playing.
2a. More current take I assume would be online versions of this.
Social apps that are about meetups (One is called that) but I suspect even FB has something along these lines, which have group you can join or are open to the public that talk about what activities, where and when the get together is occurs. So will specifically state they are NOT about any hookup possibility but other are about meeting others for more than the specific activity (activity is more about the introduction and something to so rather than the whole reason for going).
Last, you might check for any pub crawls going on. Some of the stops will be good clubs to check-out and even sometimes joining the crawl will offer opportunities. Particularly true if you’re good at joining in with some new group of strangers—very good social skills required as the group needs to want you to join.
* Well, I have used Meetups for getting together with others but that was language based for learning and practicing so anyone that seemed more interested in meeting and other activities were discouraged or kicked out if overly obvious.
What’s the age range on clubbing? I’m newly single at 43 and I might have aged out of it, and a 43 year old trying to dance the way he did in high school usually looks stupid. (Or at least my late wife thought so.)
I think with enough enthusiasm anyone can go clubbing, and tbh imo stuff which looks stupid in a club just becomes entertaining. If you really feel embarrassed about it, one way to go about this is to play into the stupidity by really overexaggerating the moves to play into the humour.
I think with age the ick comes from older guys who come to look at young girls and nothing else. I have a mate who’s 49 and comes out clubbing with us, and is more enthusiastic than any of us on the dance floor and everyone loves it.
My late wife in particular thought my dancing was bad, which is why I brought it up; I mentioned the term “dad dancing” to her and she thought it was an appropriate description. (She happened to be nine years younger than I was.)
The point about making out is very valid, I’ve seen that plenty of times, and that should count as “pairing up sexually”. For whatever reason/no good reason, it didn’t occur to me to mention it in my longer comment.
From the perspective of someone who has never actually enjoyed the clubbing experience before, the above advice sounds like good advice for how to have a better time. :)