Require contributions in advance
If you are a person who finds it difficult to tell “no” to their friends, this one weird trick may save you a lot of time!
Alice: “Hi Bob! You are a programmer, right?”
Bob: “Hi Alice! Yes, I am.”
Alice: “I have this cool idea, but I need someone to help me. I am not good with computers, and I need someone smart whom I could trust, so they wouldn’t steal my idea. Would you have a moment to listen to me?”
Alice explains to Bob her idea that would completely change the world. Well, at the least the world of bicycle shopping.
Instead of having many shops for bicycles, there could be one huge e-shop that would collect all the information about bicycles from all the existing shops. The customers would specify what kind of a bike they want (and where they live), and the system would find all bikes that fit the specification, and display them ordered by lowest price, including the price of delivery; then it would redirect them to the specific page of the specific vendor. Customers would love to use this one website, instead of having to visit multiple shops and compare. And the vendors would have to use this shop, because that’s where the customers would be. Taking a fraction of a percent from the sales could make Alice (and also Bob, if he helps her) incredibly rich.
Bob is skeptical about it. The project suffers from the obvious chicken-and-egg problem: without vendors already there, the customers will not come (and if they come by accident, they will quickly leave, never to return again); and without customers already there, there is no reason for the vendors to cooperate. There are a few ways how to approach this problem, but the fact that Alice didn’t even think about it is a red flag. She also has no idea who are the big players in the world of bicycle selling; and generally she didn’t do her homework. But after pointing out all these objections, Alice still remains super enthusiastic about the project. She promises she will take care about everything—she just cannot write code, and she needs Bob’s help for this part.
Bob believes strongly in the division of labor, and that friends should help each other. He considers Alice his friend, and he will likely need some help from her in the future. Fact is, with perfect specification, he could make the webpage in a week or two. But he considers bicycles to be an extremely boring topic, so he wants to spend as little time as possible on this project. Finally, he has an idea:
“Okay, Alice, I will make the website for you. But first I need to know exactly how the page will look like, so that I don’t have to keep changing it over and over again. So here is the homework for you—take a pen and paper, and make a sketch of how exactly the web will look like. All the dialogs, all the buttons. Don’t forget logging in and logging out, editing the customer profile, and everything else that is necessary for the website to work as intended. Just look at the papers and imagine that you are the customer: where exactly would you click to register, and to find the bicycle you want? Same for the vendor. And possibly a site administrator. Also give me the list of criteria people will use to find the bike they want. Size, weight, color, radius of wheels, what else? And when you have it all ready, I will make the first version of the website. But until then, I am not writing any code.”
Alice leaves, satisfied with the outcome.
This happened a year ago.
No, Alice doesn’t have the design ready, yet. Once in a while, when she meets Bob, she smiles at him and apologizes that she didn’t have the time to start working on the design. Bob smiles back and says it’s okay, he’ll wait. Then they change the topic.
Cyril: “Hi Diana! You speak Spanish, right?”
Diana: “Hi Cyril! Yes, I do.”
Cyril: “You know, I think Spanish is the most cool language ever, and I would really love to learn it! Could you please give me some Spanish lessons, once in a while? I totally want to become fluent in Spanish, so I could travel to Spanish-speaking countries and experience their culture and food. Would you please help me?”
Diana is happy that someone takes interest in her favorite hobby. It would be nice to have someone around she could practice Spanish conversation with. The first instinct is to say yes.
But then she remembers (she knows Cyril for some time; they have a lot of friends in common, so they meet quite regularly) that Cyril is always super enthusiastic about something he is totally going to do… but when she meets him next time, he is super enthusiastic about something completely different; and she never heard about him doing anything serious about his previous dreams.
Also, Cyril seems to seriously underestimate how much time does it take to learn a foreign language fluently. Some lessons, once in a while will not do it. He also needs to study on his own. Preferably every day, but twice a week is probably a minimum, if he hopes to speak the language fluently within a year. Diana would be happy to teach someone Spanish, but not if her effort will most likely be wasted.
Diana: “Cyril, there is this great website called Duolingo, where you can learn Spanish online completely free. If you give it about ten minutes every day, maybe after a few months you will be able to speak fluently. And anytime we meet, we can practice the vocabulary you have already learned.”
This would be the best option for Diana. No work, and another opportunity to practice. But Cyril insists:
“It’s not the same without the live teacher. When I read something from the textbook, I cannot ask additional questions. The words that are taught are often unrelated to the topics I am interested in. I am afraid I will just get stuck with the… whatever was the website that you mentioned.”
For Diana this feels like a red flag. Sure, textbooks are not optimal. They contain many words that the student will not use frequently, and will soon forget them. On the other hand, the grammar is always useful; and Diana doesn’t want to waste her time explaining the basic grammar that any textbook could explain instead. If Cyril learns the grammar and some basic vocabulary, then she can teach him all the specialized vocabulary he is interested in. But now it feels like Cyril wants to avoid all work. She has to draw a line:
“Cyril, this is the address of the website.” She takes his notebook and writes ‘www.duolingo.com’. “You register there, choose Spanish, and click on the first lesson. It is interactive, and it will not take you more than ten minutes. If you get stuck there, write here what exactly it was that you didn’t understand; I will explain it when we meet. If there is no problem, continue with the second lesson, and so on. When we meet next time, tell me which lessons you have completed, and we will talk about them. Okay?”
Cyril nods reluctantly.
This happened a year ago.
Cyril and Diana have met repeatedly during the year, but Cyril never brought up the topic of Spanish language again.
Erika: “Filip, would you give me a massage?”
Filip: “Yeah, sure. The lotion is in the next room; bring it to me!”
Erika brings the massage lotion and lies on the bed. Filip massages her back. Then they make out and have sex.
This happened a year ago. Erika and Filip are still a happy couple.
Filip’s previous relationships didn’t work well, in long term. In retrospect, they all followed a similar scenario. At the beginning, everything seemed great. Then at some moment the girl started acting… unreasonably?… asking Filip to do various things for her, and then acting annoyed when Filip did exactly what he was asked to do. This happened more and more frequently, and at some moment she broke up with him. Sometimes she provided explanation for breaking up that Filip was unable to decipher.
Filip has a friend who is a successful salesman. Successful both professionally and with women. When Filip admitted to himself that he is unable to solve the problem on his own, he asked his friend for advice.
“It’s because you’re a f***ing doormat,” said the friend. “The moment a woman asks you to do anything, you immediately jump and do it, like a well-trained puppy. Puppies are cute, but not attractive. Have you ready any of those books I sent you, like, ten years ago? I bet you didn’t. Well, it’s all there.”
Filip sighed: “Look, I’m not trying to become a pick-up artist. Or a salesman. Or anything. No offense, but I’m not like you, personality-wise, I never have been, and I don’t want to become your—or anyone else’s—copy. Even if it would mean greater success in anything. I prefer to treat other people just like I would want them to treat me. Most people reciprocate nice behavior; and those who don’t, well, I avoid them as much as possible. This works well with my friends. It also works with the girls… at the beginning… but then somehow… uhm… Anyway, all your books are about manipulating people, which is ethically unacceptable for me. Isn’t there some other way?”
“All human interaction is manipulation; the choice is between doing it right or wrong, acting consciously or driven by your old habits...” started the friend, but then he gave up. “Okay, I see you’re not interested. Just let me show you the most obvious mistake you make. You believe that when you are nice to people, they will perceive you as nice, and most of them will reciprocate. And when you act like an asshole, it’s the other way round. That’s correct, on some level; and in a perfect world this would be the whole truth. But on a different level, people also perceive nice behavior as weakness; especially if you do it habitually, as if you don’t have any other option. And being an asshole obviously signals strength: you are not afraid to make other people angry. Also, in long term, people become used to your behavior, good or bad. The nice people don’t seem so nice anymore, but they still seem weak. Then, ironicaly, if the person well-known to be nice refuses to do something once, people become really angry, because their expectations were violated. And if the asshole decides to do something nice once, they will praise him, because he surprised them pleasantly. You should be an asshole once in a while, to make people see that you have a choice, so they won’t take your niceness for granted. Or if your girlfriend wants something from you, sometimes just say no, even if you could have done it. She will respect you more, and then she will enjoy more the things you do for her.”
Filip: “Well, I… probably couldn’t do that. I mean, what you say seems to make sense, however much I hate to admit it. But I can’t imagine doing it myself, especially to a person I love. It’s just… uhm… wrong.”
“Then, I guess, the very least you could do is to ask her to do something for you first. Even if it’s symbolic, that doesn’t matter; human relationships are mostly about role-playing anyway. Don’t jump immediately when you are told to; always make her jump first, if only a little. That will demonstrate strength without hurting anyone. Could you do that?”
Filip wasn’t sure, but at the next opportunity he tried it, and it worked. And it kept working. Maybe it was all just a coincidence, maybe it was a placebo effect, but Filip doesn’t mind. At first it felt kinda artificial, but then it became natural. And later, to his surprise, Filip realized that practicing these symbolic demands actually makes it easier to ask when he really needed something. (In which case sometimes he was asked to do something first, because his girlfriend—knowingly or not? he never had the courage to ask—copied the pattern; or maybe she has already known it long before. But he didn’t mind that either.)
The lesson is: If you find yourself repeatedly in situations where people ask you to do something for them, but at the end they don’t seem to appreciate what you did for them, or don’t even care about the thing they asked you to do… and yet you find it difficult to say “no”… ask them to contribute to the project first.
This will help you get rid of the projects they don’t care about (including the ones they think they care about in far mode, but do not care about enough to actually work on them in near mode) without being the one who refuses cooperation. Also, the act of asking the other person to contribute, after being asked to do something for them, mitigates the status loss inherent in working for them.