The way I worded it until recently was that I’m turned on by a woman struggling. Just a couple days ago Aella used the phrase “deeply, primarily aroused by women in distress” (not describing me specifically), which might actually be a more accurate description of my sexuality than anything I’ve come up with.
So for instance, peak hotness for me is holding my partner’s nose and mouth so she can’t breath, pounding her until the haven’t-breathed-in-a-while panic response kicks in for her, then holding her down and fucking her a little longer while she’s panicking. Super-hot variations on that include:
The game “you can breathe when I’m satisfied”
Ordering her not to physically struggle, and then enjoying the mental dominance as she struggles against herself.
Other fun things which scratch the itch to various extents include choking (either from a hand around the neck or a cock in the throat), making her hold a certain position for a very long time (I usually go for 30 minutes to an hour per round not counting foreplay, so e.g. making her hold her legs for most of that time can do the trick), standard sadism (like hard biting or spanking), standard CNC, squeezing nerve clusters, or just holding/tying her body in a position where she’s straining against it.
On a meta note: I think there’s a lot of alpha in people talking online about stuff they don’t usually share with anyone besides partners or very close friends, IF the person has the writing skills to not make the delivery too cringey AND can handle at least some less-than-maximally-positive responses. That’s part of the motivation for this post and the empathy posts, and it’s a big part of why I begged that particular question. I’ve been actively trying to lean more into baring my soul online.
And to be clear, I think the alpha in this is at least as much for the author as for the audience. Something feels healthy about just opening up to the world about everything, as long as the world doesn’t respond too negatively. Sort of like the most-generalized version of coming out of the closet.
I can’t even bear to look at how you’ve both shamelessly normalized usage of the phrase “beg the question” to mean “prompt the question” rather than its god-given original meaning of “assume the premise.”
Ok. Well in the spirit of responding to generalized coming out of the closet, I have possibly rude questions.
Do you...have sex with women that you care about?
If so, how does the desire for distress interact with the caring? Aren’t they...almost exactly opposites? Or is that not how it is for you? Do you “turn down the volume” one one to turn up the volume on the other? Are you expressing caring by causing someone to struggle?
Yes, I definitely care about the women I have sex with, and most other people who I interact with significantly. Even when I intend to keep a relationship relatively “casual”, I still generally provide a fair bit of the more intimacy-flavored aspects of a relationship—i.e. generally paying attention to what her day-to-day emotional experience is like, what parts of her life or herself she’s anxious or insecure about, etc, and generally trying to help her grow stronger without being too pushy or steamrolly about it.
There’s more than one way the desire for distress and caring can synthesize, for me. One prototypical synthesis: deeply wanting her to come out of the experience better and stronger. Indeed, that’s the one promise I make upfront on a first date: my first priority is to make sure she leaves a better and stronger person. When it comes to the sex, a “become better and stronger” case I enjoy is when some part of her wants the sort of experience which arouses me, it’s something she knows a part of her wants but which she hasn’t embraced often, and she comes (and comes, and...) out of the experience with her parts/values more whole and integrated. There’s a lot of gentleness and curiosity around it, giving her space to understand herself, though it doesn’t necessarily look like gentleness aesthetically (e.g. “forcing” her to tell me her darker fantasies). Of course the flip side, on my part, is having to be very careful not to project or suggest such a part into a woman who does not, in fact, want it. But that’s a special case of a skill I’ve practiced a lot in many contexts.
Another way things might come together: it’s centrally about doing these things to a woman who wants these things done to her. And in that frame, there’s an element of… taking pride in seeing actual humans’ actual values for what they are, and embracing them, and celebrating them, rather than pretending that humans’ values are necessarily some gentler or “friendlier” thing. Like, we’re both embracing what we really want, together, and ignoring whatever background social conditioning might have said otherwise.
Also I should mention that my kinks aren’t necessarily obligate; the extent to which I need this particular thing in order to finish varies over time and I haven’t worked out the relevant factors yet. And I’m generally pretty ok with just fucking a while and not finishing, that happens pretty frequently, and I don’t need my kinks engaged just to keep it up (unless I’m very stressed or tired, or it’s like round 3 or 4 and we’ve basically just been going at it for several hours).
How do you maintain breath control on someone who is paniking.
I’ve tried a bit of hoding someones mouth and nose, from both sides of the experience, and haven’t figured out a way that acctually stops the person from breathing if they try hard enough.
The main answer is that I haven’t had much issue with that, so I don’t know what I’m doing differently. Having large hands and some muscle are unfortunately obvious hypotheses for what might be relevant. Physically, I usually have all my body weight on my partner, and significant weight over my arms holding her head down, with my elbows to the side of the head to keep it relatively still.
In the post and comments, you’ve said that you’re reflectively stable, in the sense of endorsing your current values. In combination with the sadistic kinks/values described above, that raises some questions:
What exactly stops you from inflicting suffering on people, other than the prospect of social or legal repercussions? Do you have some values that countervail against the sadism? If yes, what are they, and how do you reconcile them with the sadism? [1]
Asking partly because: I occasionally run into sadistic parts in myself, but haven’t found a way to reconcile them with my more empathetic parts, so I usually just suppress/avoid the sadistic parts. And I’d like to find a way to reconcile/integrate them instead.
I have empathetic parts too. The main reconciliation is simply that lots of women want exactly what I want to do to them in bed; I am fortunate in that regard. Indeed, demand for my tastes probably outstrips supply by a very wide margin; from my perspective it’s a shame that the mating markets are so wildly inefficient.
Well, since you quite literally begged the question: what are you sexual kinks?
NSFW, obviously
The way I worded it until recently was that I’m turned on by a woman struggling. Just a couple days ago Aella used the phrase “deeply, primarily aroused by women in distress” (not describing me specifically), which might actually be a more accurate description of my sexuality than anything I’ve come up with.
So for instance, peak hotness for me is holding my partner’s nose and mouth so she can’t breath, pounding her until the haven’t-breathed-in-a-while panic response kicks in for her, then holding her down and fucking her a little longer while she’s panicking. Super-hot variations on that include:
The game “you can breathe when I’m satisfied”
Ordering her not to physically struggle, and then enjoying the mental dominance as she struggles against herself.
Other fun things which scratch the itch to various extents include choking (either from a hand around the neck or a cock in the throat), making her hold a certain position for a very long time (I usually go for 30 minutes to an hour per round not counting foreplay, so e.g. making her hold her legs for most of that time can do the trick), standard sadism (like hard biting or spanking), standard CNC, squeezing nerve clusters, or just holding/tying her body in a position where she’s straining against it.
On a meta note: I think there’s a lot of alpha in people talking online about stuff they don’t usually share with anyone besides partners or very close friends, IF the person has the writing skills to not make the delivery too cringey AND can handle at least some less-than-maximally-positive responses. That’s part of the motivation for this post and the empathy posts, and it’s a big part of why I begged that particular question. I’ve been actively trying to lean more into baring my soul online.
And to be clear, I think the alpha in this is at least as much for the author as for the audience. Something feels healthy about just opening up to the world about everything, as long as the world doesn’t respond too negatively. Sort of like the most-generalized version of coming out of the closet.
You’re disgusting monsters, both of you.
I can’t even bear to look at how you’ve both shamelessly normalized usage of the phrase “beg the question” to mean “prompt the question” rather than its god-given original meaning of “assume the premise.”
Shame on you.
Oh and nice kinks.
Ok. Well in the spirit of responding to generalized coming out of the closet, I have possibly rude questions.
Do you...have sex with women that you care about?
If so, how does the desire for distress interact with the caring? Aren’t they...almost exactly opposites? Or is that not how it is for you? Do you “turn down the volume” one one to turn up the volume on the other? Are you expressing caring by causing someone to struggle?
Good questions.
Yes, I definitely care about the women I have sex with, and most other people who I interact with significantly. Even when I intend to keep a relationship relatively “casual”, I still generally provide a fair bit of the more intimacy-flavored aspects of a relationship—i.e. generally paying attention to what her day-to-day emotional experience is like, what parts of her life or herself she’s anxious or insecure about, etc, and generally trying to help her grow stronger without being too pushy or steamrolly about it.
There’s more than one way the desire for distress and caring can synthesize, for me. One prototypical synthesis: deeply wanting her to come out of the experience better and stronger. Indeed, that’s the one promise I make upfront on a first date: my first priority is to make sure she leaves a better and stronger person. When it comes to the sex, a “become better and stronger” case I enjoy is when some part of her wants the sort of experience which arouses me, it’s something she knows a part of her wants but which she hasn’t embraced often, and she comes (
and comes, and...) out of the experience with her parts/values more whole and integrated. There’s a lot of gentleness and curiosity around it, giving her space to understand herself, though it doesn’t necessarily look like gentleness aesthetically (e.g. “forcing” her to tell me her darker fantasies). Of course the flip side, on my part, is having to be very careful not to project or suggest such a part into a woman who does not, in fact, want it. But that’s a special case of a skill I’ve practiced a lot in many contexts.Another way things might come together: it’s centrally about doing these things to a woman who wants these things done to her. And in that frame, there’s an element of… taking pride in seeing actual humans’ actual values for what they are, and embracing them, and celebrating them, rather than pretending that humans’ values are necessarily some gentler or “friendlier” thing. Like, we’re both embracing what we really want, together, and ignoring whatever background social conditioning might have said otherwise.
Also I should mention that my kinks aren’t necessarily obligate; the extent to which I need this particular thing in order to finish varies over time and I haven’t worked out the relevant factors yet. And I’m generally pretty ok with just fucking a while and not finishing, that happens pretty frequently, and I don’t need my kinks engaged just to keep it up (unless I’m very stressed or tired, or it’s like round 3 or 4 and we’ve basically just been going at it for several hours).
NSFW question
How do you maintain breath control on someone who is paniking.
I’ve tried a bit of hoding someones mouth and nose, from both sides of the experience, and haven’t figured out a way that acctually stops the person from breathing if they try hard enough.
The main answer is that I haven’t had much issue with that, so I don’t know what I’m doing differently. Having large hands and some muscle are unfortunately obvious hypotheses for what might be relevant. Physically, I usually have all my body weight on my partner, and significant weight over my arms holding her head down, with my elbows to the side of the head to keep it relatively still.
This thread needs a bit of counterbalance.
One can consider an alternative in bonding & control play; lots to explore with no brain cells at risk of dying in the process.
If one does not want to consider bonding, maybe a first aid course is due or a refresher would be fitting.
bondage play*
In the post and comments, you’ve said that you’re reflectively stable, in the sense of endorsing your current values. In combination with the sadistic kinks/values described above, that raises some questions:
What exactly stops you from inflicting suffering on people, other than the prospect of social or legal repercussions? Do you have some values that countervail against the sadism? If yes, what are they, and how do you reconcile them with the sadism? [1]
Asking partly because: I occasionally run into sadistic parts in myself, but haven’t found a way to reconcile them with my more empathetic parts, so I usually just suppress/avoid the sadistic parts. And I’d like to find a way to reconcile/integrate them instead.
I have empathetic parts too. The main reconciliation is simply that lots of women want exactly what I want to do to them in bed; I am fortunate in that regard. Indeed, demand for my tastes probably outstrips supply by a very wide margin; from my perspective it’s a shame that the mating markets are so wildly inefficient.