Thank you for sharing, though I can imagine it was hard to write.
In my teen years, I was very depressed, yearning love. I was often fantasizing about being born a girl, thinking it would give me the attention I craved. During that time, in my country, transitioning wasn’t really a thing. So it never occurred to me as an option. I don’t know what would happen if it did. I wonder how many kids feel like this during their teen years.
Nevertheless, I eventually fixed it with acquiring needed social skills.
Part of the problem is different expectations on the quality of writing vs talking.
If you would just write word-by-word what you say, it would often look like a gibberish. And we happen to have higher standards for written word than for spoken word (see transcript of Trump’s speach). And we intuitively know that, hence the resistance to writing.
The big realization is that writing what you said is often good enough, and even if not, it is a good start, because you can edit and refine.