I should go to more parties and events, and introduce myself to more people, so that I can ‘network’ and build a base of contacts who might be useful in the future. People who tell me this: my boyfriend.
Reasons I don’t: a) I don’t actually have all that much fun at parties, compared to the amount of fun I have, for example, singing in church. b) Parties with people in my age group almost always involve alcohol, and it’s extremely boring to be the only sober person at a party, and alcohol is expensive. c) I am a morning person, emphatically not a night person. I can occasionally stay up late reading or writing, activities that I can get caught up in, but in social settings I start yawning and getting sleepy and boring around 11 pm. The last thing I want to be doing at 11 pm is getting ready to go to a club. d) I’m not a good dancer and I feel self-conscious in clubs. e) I have a busy enough schedule already.
I think you are thinking about the wrong kinds of parties. In fact, you are solving the wrong problem. If your goal is to network and meet people, there are much much better ways of doing that than going out to parties. Go to local clubs/meet-ups (chess, book, poker, sewing, toast masters, etc...). Meet more people through other people you already know, and through workplace if you have a job. You said you like going to church, do activities with those people. You’ll meet new people there. See what fun things they do. Go to those things too.
I probably am solving the wrong problem...in fact, I’m solving someone else’s problem. I’m solving the problem that my boyfriend likes going to parties and meeting people, and thinks that networking is an indispensable part of university life, and feels his social status increase if he can bring his girlfriend along, suitably dolled up, and show her off. Except that I consistently mess with his plans by not wanting to dress up and by not enjoying parties all that much. I’m pretty happy with the current rate at which I’m meeting people through work (I work at a pool and know pretty much every member who comes in during mornings), school, church, activities like taekwondo, and LessWrong meetups. Granted, most of them aren’t my age, but compared to older people, people my age tend to be less interesting anyway.
It seems like giving your boyfriend what he wants and spending time in a way that is enjoyable to you are things that could be optimized separately.
For example you could show up briefly, armed with an excuse to leave early, at some time you determine in advance. That way he gets to show you off and you don’t have to stick around at a party that bores you.
I really do not think it’s especially likely that this is a good solution to your problem, and I only mention it because it is one that people tend to reliably refrain-from-thinking-of...
But it does sound like breaking up with your boyfriend and finding one with social preferences more similar to yours would solve most of the named problems.
a) What are you doing at parties, then? You seem to do something wrong.
b) Go to a party where not everyone drinks, often quite a few persons will drive home so they won’t drink. Alternatively, drive other people home.
c) You can shift your sleep schedule by going to sleep 15 minutes (or more) later each day. It’s a quite simple mechanism, and it works.
d) Simple: attend a dancing course! It’s a simple yet valuable skill, worth the money and the time. Alternatively, you could watch tutorials on youtube.
e) You don’t. You don’t want to tell me that you’re busy with such other things every single evening. If that really is the case, take one of those activities and either let it fall or do it somewhen (I’ll just use this word, I don’t care whether it’s proper English) else.
Now, because that was your true rejection, it’s party time for you. Let your friend take you to a party, and have a good time.
I do have fun at some parties, for example pool staff parties with people I’ve known for years, where all the gossip is relevant to me and I get all the in-jokes. I simply am not extroverted enough to enjoy going to parties where nearly everyone is a stranger, and I have to keep up with my boyfriend’s manic introducing-himself-to-people pace. So the real solution is to track down more parties where I’ll know the people well, but that reduces the number of people I’ll meet, which according to my boyfriend is the point of going to parties.
Your dancing comment is very relevant. I should. I’m currently going swing-dancing once a week, and I should really take a couple of hip-hop classes or something. It would help a lot and I might actually enjoy clubbing then. I do like most of the music they play in clubs.
And no, I’m not busy with things every single evening, but there are an awful lot of days each week when I leave the house first thing in the morning and don’t get home until 9 pm, after having been on my feet or in the pool all day and then biking halfway across the city. Yeah, technically my Saturday nights are free, but I’m exhausted, and when I’m exhausted I get antisocial.
So then I was successful at defying d)? That’s a start, although I realize that I know your life far worse than you do, which is rather obvious. Your day might be to full, but I can’t reliably judge this from afar.
Or for people who work 6 am shifts multiple times per week, and start work at 9 am the rest of the time. I could conceivably stay up til 2 am partying if I stayed up til 2 am every night and didn’t have to get up until 10 every morning, but the real problem is that I can’t get up at 5 am on a Friday morning and be able to stay up late on a Friday night. I could conceivably change this by working fewer opening shifts and more evening shifts, but I like getting up early and then having my evenings at home.
I should go to more parties and events, and introduce myself to more people, so that I can ‘network’ and build a base of contacts who might be useful in the future. People who tell me this: my boyfriend.
Reasons I don’t: a) I don’t actually have all that much fun at parties, compared to the amount of fun I have, for example, singing in church. b) Parties with people in my age group almost always involve alcohol, and it’s extremely boring to be the only sober person at a party, and alcohol is expensive. c) I am a morning person, emphatically not a night person. I can occasionally stay up late reading or writing, activities that I can get caught up in, but in social settings I start yawning and getting sleepy and boring around 11 pm. The last thing I want to be doing at 11 pm is getting ready to go to a club. d) I’m not a good dancer and I feel self-conscious in clubs. e) I have a busy enough schedule already.
I think you are thinking about the wrong kinds of parties. In fact, you are solving the wrong problem. If your goal is to network and meet people, there are much much better ways of doing that than going out to parties. Go to local clubs/meet-ups (chess, book, poker, sewing, toast masters, etc...). Meet more people through other people you already know, and through workplace if you have a job. You said you like going to church, do activities with those people. You’ll meet new people there. See what fun things they do. Go to those things too.
I probably am solving the wrong problem...in fact, I’m solving someone else’s problem. I’m solving the problem that my boyfriend likes going to parties and meeting people, and thinks that networking is an indispensable part of university life, and feels his social status increase if he can bring his girlfriend along, suitably dolled up, and show her off. Except that I consistently mess with his plans by not wanting to dress up and by not enjoying parties all that much. I’m pretty happy with the current rate at which I’m meeting people through work (I work at a pool and know pretty much every member who comes in during mornings), school, church, activities like taekwondo, and LessWrong meetups. Granted, most of them aren’t my age, but compared to older people, people my age tend to be less interesting anyway.
It seems like giving your boyfriend what he wants and spending time in a way that is enjoyable to you are things that could be optimized separately.
For example you could show up briefly, armed with an excuse to leave early, at some time you determine in advance. That way he gets to show you off and you don’t have to stick around at a party that bores you.
I really do not think it’s especially likely that this is a good solution to your problem, and I only mention it because it is one that people tend to reliably refrain-from-thinking-of...
But it does sound like breaking up with your boyfriend and finding one with social preferences more similar to yours would solve most of the named problems.
b+c: drink caffeine, not alcohol?
Have considered that. I probably would have more fun. And be more social. Although I enjoy the sensation of being drunk, I tend to be antisocial.
a) What are you doing at parties, then? You seem to do something wrong. b) Go to a party where not everyone drinks, often quite a few persons will drive home so they won’t drink. Alternatively, drive other people home. c) You can shift your sleep schedule by going to sleep 15 minutes (or more) later each day. It’s a quite simple mechanism, and it works. d) Simple: attend a dancing course! It’s a simple yet valuable skill, worth the money and the time. Alternatively, you could watch tutorials on youtube. e) You don’t. You don’t want to tell me that you’re busy with such other things every single evening. If that really is the case, take one of those activities and either let it fall or do it somewhen (I’ll just use this word, I don’t care whether it’s proper English) else.
Now, because that was your true rejection, it’s party time for you. Let your friend take you to a party, and have a good time.
I do have fun at some parties, for example pool staff parties with people I’ve known for years, where all the gossip is relevant to me and I get all the in-jokes. I simply am not extroverted enough to enjoy going to parties where nearly everyone is a stranger, and I have to keep up with my boyfriend’s manic introducing-himself-to-people pace. So the real solution is to track down more parties where I’ll know the people well, but that reduces the number of people I’ll meet, which according to my boyfriend is the point of going to parties.
Your dancing comment is very relevant. I should. I’m currently going swing-dancing once a week, and I should really take a couple of hip-hop classes or something. It would help a lot and I might actually enjoy clubbing then. I do like most of the music they play in clubs.
And no, I’m not busy with things every single evening, but there are an awful lot of days each week when I leave the house first thing in the morning and don’t get home until 9 pm, after having been on my feet or in the pool all day and then biking halfway across the city. Yeah, technically my Saturday nights are free, but I’m exhausted, and when I’m exhausted I get antisocial.
So then I was successful at defying d)? That’s a start, although I realize that I know your life far worse than you do, which is rather obvious. Your day might be to full, but I can’t reliably judge this from afar.
Shifting sleep schedules around by going to sleep later each day does not work for people who are strongly aligned to certain sleep schedules.
Or for people who work 6 am shifts multiple times per week, and start work at 9 am the rest of the time. I could conceivably stay up til 2 am partying if I stayed up til 2 am every night and didn’t have to get up until 10 every morning, but the real problem is that I can’t get up at 5 am on a Friday morning and be able to stay up late on a Friday night. I could conceivably change this by working fewer opening shifts and more evening shifts, but I like getting up early and then having my evenings at home.
Yer a Gurl, if yer buy’n yer own drink yer doin it wrong.