Question: what are the good ways to help a person in a stressful situation (work/relationships/life in general) ? What help would rationalist prefer, and how does that differ from someone who may be less rational in times of emotional turmoil?
Thanks!
Letting someone know you like them and that they’re cared for is a surprisingly powerful gesture. It’s also something people are inclined to lose sight of when they’re going through a tough time.
It probably needs tweaking to the specific social circumstances, but simply saying something to the effect of “you are awesome and people care about you; don’t forget that” goes a lot further than you might expect.
There might be a “five love languages” thing going on. Words of appreciation don’t do anything for me and can even make me more sad, but any kind of surprise gifts make me happy for a long time, even if they’re really crappy. Maybe it’s a good idea to ask the person “what kind of caring do you appreciate the most?” (words, gifts, time together, helpful actions, physical contact, what else?) and then try to give them that.
Active listening is by far the best skill you can learn to help someone through a stressful or highly emotional period.. A “rationalist” might be more receptive to solutions than others, but will probably still appreciate the emotional catharsis of a good listener.
One important thing to remember when being a listener: it’s very easy to make the mistake that you’re supposed to solve the other person’s problems. It might be that the other person isn’t actually looking for advice, but rather just sympathy and a reassurance that there’s someone who will listen to them. Try to figure out which one they are after, and remember that they may shift from one mode to another and not be fully aware of which one they want, themselves. (I wouldn’t recommend explicitly asking them unless they are very, very Tell, for the above reasons as well as for some other reasons of which I have an intuitive hunch but am having difficulty formulating explicitly.)
Some caution is warranted even if they are looking for advice—typical mind fallacy means that it’s easy to come up with a theory of what’s wrong with them and how they should fix it that’s vastly overconfident. If you suggest something that you think might help them and they disagree, then even if you were right, getting into an argument over it isn’t the way you want to proceed.
Instead of trying to come up with a perfect solution, it can be better to just make lots of sympathetic comments and ask clarifying questions that are aimed both at giving you a better understanding of the problem, as well as helping them to think more clearly about it and resolve things where they’ve gotten stuck. Do offer suggestions, but offer most of them in the spirit of “here’s an idea for you to evaluate and think about, that might or might not be useful”.
I often figure that even if I can’t say anything that would help directly, just helping them dissect the problem better and offering them new ways to think about their issue can be just as useful. Recently I had a phone call with my friend where we talked about my problems in general, and afterwards I knew exactly what it was that was the main cause of many of my problems, even though we never said anything about that cause during the conversation. But just talking about the problems on a general level was enough to get me thinking about them in the right way.
One important thing to remember when being a listener: it’s very easy to make the mistake that you’re supposed to solve the other person’s problems. It might be that the other person isn’t actually looking for advice, but rather just sympathy and a reassurance that there’s someone who will listen to them.
I would add that even if the other person is looking for advice, leading them to a place where they themselves come up with an idea about how to change can often be more effective than giving them a solution from the outside.
If you are talking to a depressed person who would probably benefit from going to the gym, telling him to the gym might not be effective because he can’t see himself following through.
Asking him about his relationship to sport and to his own body might bring him further.
Yes, the main idea of active listening is to echo back the content, emotions, intent, or identity of the person that they’re revealing through the conversation. It’s definitely not to try and solve their problems for them… although often times it can help them solve their own problems by giving their thoughts and emotions clarity.
A key distinction I would make here in terms of language is that you’re not trying to be sympathetic when you are active listening. Sympathy is showing that yes, you do indeed feel sorry for them/their circumstances.
Rather, I’d say that truly great active listening is about empathy. That is, showing that you can understand and feel their emotions as they do.
A rationalist would realize that emotions don’t necessarily have any deeper meaning, and are often best fixed through mundane non-emotional interventions. For instance, if you’re constantly in stressful situations, you might want to try an adaptogen such as rhodiola rosea. You can fix mild depression by taking cold showers. Cut back on the caffeine, get better sleep, get more exercise. And so on.
Personally, I suspect, based on armchair evopsych speculation, that softer interventions (e.g. showing people that you care and are sympathetic) are counterproductive, if your goal is for the other person to stop being in “emotional turmoil”.
Personally, I suspect, based on armchair evopsych speculation, that softer interventions (e.g. showing people that you care and are sympathetic) are counterproductive, if your goal is for the other person to stop being in “emotional turmoil”.
On of the things that separates good therapists from one’s that don’t achieve results is their level of empathy.
Question: what are the good ways to help a person in a stressful situation (work/relationships/life in general) ? What help would rationalist prefer, and how does that differ from someone who may be less rational in times of emotional turmoil? Thanks!
Letting someone know you like them and that they’re cared for is a surprisingly powerful gesture. It’s also something people are inclined to lose sight of when they’re going through a tough time.
It probably needs tweaking to the specific social circumstances, but simply saying something to the effect of “you are awesome and people care about you; don’t forget that” goes a lot further than you might expect.
There might be a “five love languages” thing going on. Words of appreciation don’t do anything for me and can even make me more sad, but any kind of surprise gifts make me happy for a long time, even if they’re really crappy. Maybe it’s a good idea to ask the person “what kind of caring do you appreciate the most?” (words, gifts, time together, helpful actions, physical contact, what else?) and then try to give them that.
Have you tried asking them if there’s any way you can help, and/or expressing generic sympathy?
“Hey, you seem to be going through a lot lately, are you holding up okay? Anything I can do?”
Active listening is by far the best skill you can learn to help someone through a stressful or highly emotional period.. A “rationalist” might be more receptive to solutions than others, but will probably still appreciate the emotional catharsis of a good listener.
One important thing to remember when being a listener: it’s very easy to make the mistake that you’re supposed to solve the other person’s problems. It might be that the other person isn’t actually looking for advice, but rather just sympathy and a reassurance that there’s someone who will listen to them. Try to figure out which one they are after, and remember that they may shift from one mode to another and not be fully aware of which one they want, themselves. (I wouldn’t recommend explicitly asking them unless they are very, very Tell, for the above reasons as well as for some other reasons of which I have an intuitive hunch but am having difficulty formulating explicitly.)
Some caution is warranted even if they are looking for advice—typical mind fallacy means that it’s easy to come up with a theory of what’s wrong with them and how they should fix it that’s vastly overconfident. If you suggest something that you think might help them and they disagree, then even if you were right, getting into an argument over it isn’t the way you want to proceed.
Instead of trying to come up with a perfect solution, it can be better to just make lots of sympathetic comments and ask clarifying questions that are aimed both at giving you a better understanding of the problem, as well as helping them to think more clearly about it and resolve things where they’ve gotten stuck. Do offer suggestions, but offer most of them in the spirit of “here’s an idea for you to evaluate and think about, that might or might not be useful”.
I often figure that even if I can’t say anything that would help directly, just helping them dissect the problem better and offering them new ways to think about their issue can be just as useful. Recently I had a phone call with my friend where we talked about my problems in general, and afterwards I knew exactly what it was that was the main cause of many of my problems, even though we never said anything about that cause during the conversation. But just talking about the problems on a general level was enough to get me thinking about them in the right way.
I would add that even if the other person is looking for advice, leading them to a place where they themselves come up with an idea about how to change can often be more effective than giving them a solution from the outside.
If you are talking to a depressed person who would probably benefit from going to the gym, telling him to the gym might not be effective because he can’t see himself following through.
Asking him about his relationship to sport and to his own body might bring him further.
Yes, the main idea of active listening is to echo back the content, emotions, intent, or identity of the person that they’re revealing through the conversation. It’s definitely not to try and solve their problems for them… although often times it can help them solve their own problems by giving their thoughts and emotions clarity.
A key distinction I would make here in terms of language is that you’re not trying to be sympathetic when you are active listening. Sympathy is showing that yes, you do indeed feel sorry for them/their circumstances.
Rather, I’d say that truly great active listening is about empathy. That is, showing that you can understand and feel their emotions as they do.
A rationalist would realize that emotions don’t necessarily have any deeper meaning, and are often best fixed through mundane non-emotional interventions. For instance, if you’re constantly in stressful situations, you might want to try an adaptogen such as rhodiola rosea. You can fix mild depression by taking cold showers. Cut back on the caffeine, get better sleep, get more exercise. And so on.
Personally, I suspect, based on armchair evopsych speculation, that softer interventions (e.g. showing people that you care and are sympathetic) are counterproductive, if your goal is for the other person to stop being in “emotional turmoil”.
On of the things that separates good therapists from one’s that don’t achieve results is their level of empathy.