Idk, I feel all this new therapy-speak like “setting boundaries” leads people into wrong directions. Like, therapy assumes that you’re the customer. For example if your friend tells you come on, jump in the cold water, you can respond by setting a boundary: I don’t want to jump! And I’m right, because the customer is always right! But the real issue maybe is that you’re a coward. It’s not a pleasant thing to think about, the customer in you recoils from the thought that there’s some fault with it—that you’re being cowardly, greedy, gossipy, etc. And the right move is to stop being a customer and be a human. Don’t distract yourself with therapy speak. When your friend in good nature says jump into cold water, just take the damn jump.
I agree with all of this, until the last sentence.
When my friend tells me “come on, jump in the cold water”, I’m not going to do it. (In fact, I’m less likely to do it than if my friend weren’t trying to pressure me to do it.) Not because I’m “setting a boundary”, but because I don’t want to. Is the real issue that I’m a coward? Well, you know what, if you (the general “you”, which could be my friend, or a bystander, or whoever) want to conclude that I’m a coward, that’s fine. You conclude that. I will consider that question in my own time and in my own way. But I’m still not jumping in the water, and you can’t make me.
In short: totally, be a human, but humans definitely sometimes just don’t want to do things, and don’t do those things, because they don’t want to do them, period. And that’s their right. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
In fact, I’m less likely to do it than if my friend weren’t trying to pressure me to do it.
Interesting! Why? I mean, the friend probably has your best interest in mind, “you’ll be glad you jumped”. And empirically, when I take the jump in situations like this, I feel happy with myself afterward. Isn’t it the same for you?
(Also, to me it’s not as much about what other people will think of me. It’s more about me actually having certain qualities, doing certain things, or not.)
I mean, the friend probably has your best interest in mind, “you’l be glad you jumped”
My experience is that people feel like they’re saying it for your own good, but it’s not like they’re carefully running simulations of everything they know about you and coming to a rigorous conclusion. They’re running primarily on script-following, projection, and heuristics, and even if they weren’t, you have more information about yourself in that moment than they do.
Now it feels less like I’m “setting” boundaries and more like… I am boundaries. I am autonomous: I do things I want, because I want to, only when I want to.
Idk, I feel all this new therapy-speak like “setting boundaries” leads people into wrong directions. Like, therapy assumes that you’re the customer. For example if your friend tells you come on, jump in the cold water, you can respond by setting a boundary: I don’t want to jump! And I’m right, because the customer is always right! But the real issue maybe is that you’re a coward. It’s not a pleasant thing to think about, the customer in you recoils from the thought that there’s some fault with it—that you’re being cowardly, greedy, gossipy, etc. And the right move is to stop being a customer and be a human. Don’t distract yourself with therapy speak. When your friend in good nature says jump into cold water, just take the damn jump.
I agree with all of this, until the last sentence.
When my friend tells me “come on, jump in the cold water”, I’m not going to do it. (In fact, I’m less likely to do it than if my friend weren’t trying to pressure me to do it.) Not because I’m “setting a boundary”, but because I don’t want to. Is the real issue that I’m a coward? Well, you know what, if you (the general “you”, which could be my friend, or a bystander, or whoever) want to conclude that I’m a coward, that’s fine. You conclude that. I will consider that question in my own time and in my own way. But I’m still not jumping in the water, and you can’t make me.
In short: totally, be a human, but humans definitely sometimes just don’t want to do things, and don’t do those things, because they don’t want to do them, period. And that’s their right. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Interesting! Why? I mean, the friend probably has your best interest in mind, “you’ll be glad you jumped”. And empirically, when I take the jump in situations like this, I feel happy with myself afterward. Isn’t it the same for you?
(Also, to me it’s not as much about what other people will think of me. It’s more about me actually having certain qualities, doing certain things, or not.)
My experience is that people feel like they’re saying it for your own good, but it’s not like they’re carefully running simulations of everything they know about you and coming to a rigorous conclusion. They’re running primarily on script-following, projection, and heuristics, and even if they weren’t, you have more information about yourself in that moment than they do.
Nope.
Yep, absolutely they do, but that doesn’t change anything.
It sets a bad precedent and encourages annoying and bad behavior. Far better to be known as the person who can’t be pressured into things.
Sounds like you’re disagreeing, but
?