Agree. It could also be that your desire to keep growing is one of the things that your partner considers good about you, and that they express frequent appreciation when you’ve in fact put work into growing and also gotten better. So you are good as you are, where “as you are” = “being the kind of a person who keeps growing and wants to continue doing so”.
More generally, there’s a difference between judgment and discernment. If you judge someone, you are considering them to be e.g. morally or intrinsically bad, in ways that lead you to express disapproval (out loud or just in your head). If you are being discerning, you merely note that someone could be better, without that being a judgment on them.
I think the quoted bit from the OP is failing to make that distinction. People want a partner that doesn’t judge them, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily want a partner who is undiscerning of the ways where they could improve. (Some people do also want a partner who’s undiscerning! But not all.)
Agree. It could also be that your desire to keep growing is one of the things that your partner considers good about you, and that they express frequent appreciation when you’ve in fact put work into growing and also gotten better. So you are good as you are, where “as you are” = “being the kind of a person who keeps growing and wants to continue doing so”.
That is the stance I most often take toward myself, too.
If you judge someone, you are considering them to be e.g. morally or intrinsically bad, in ways that lead you to express disapproval (out loud or just in your head). If you are being discerning, you merely note that someone could be better, without that being a judgment on them.
To be clear, I do make this distinction in my head. The problem is that it’s a very hard distinction to signal out loud; expressing discernment will often cause people to immediately assume there’s judgement. The quoted section was trying to gesture at the fact that people very often conflate the two, so it’s hard to convey one without the other.
I disagree that it’s hard, in the relevant context.
It’s hard to communicate this to someone who don’t have a distinction between the two concepts in their head. It’s also hard to communicate this with someone who are two quick to jump to conclutions regarding what you mean to say, and also have bad priors about you. This is enough of a problem, that I don’t recommend offering decernments to people you don’t know well. But that’s also kind of a mute point, since I think it’s bad to offer unsolicited advice to people you don’t know well, for other reasons.
But with someone like a romantic parner, or a close friend, with whom you’d have lots of long form conversation, I don’t think it’s hard.
You can infact just say: “I love you as you are, and among the things I love about you is the desire to grow stronger. I’ve noticed a way you could be stronger, do you want to hear it now or later?”
Or if you have extablished the words “desernment vs judgment” you can just pre-prease any suggestion for imporvment with “desernment”. Or what ever communication style works for you.
Later into the relationship, you might not even have to clarify, but the person will just have the correct prior that you’re expressing a desernment, and not a judgment.
Agree. It could also be that your desire to keep growing is one of the things that your partner considers good about you, and that they express frequent appreciation when you’ve in fact put work into growing and also gotten better. So you are good as you are, where “as you are” = “being the kind of a person who keeps growing and wants to continue doing so”.
More generally, there’s a difference between judgment and discernment. If you judge someone, you are considering them to be e.g. morally or intrinsically bad, in ways that lead you to express disapproval (out loud or just in your head). If you are being discerning, you merely note that someone could be better, without that being a judgment on them.
I think the quoted bit from the OP is failing to make that distinction. People want a partner that doesn’t judge them, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily want a partner who is undiscerning of the ways where they could improve. (Some people do also want a partner who’s undiscerning! But not all.)
That is the stance I most often take toward myself, too.
To be clear, I do make this distinction in my head. The problem is that it’s a very hard distinction to signal out loud; expressing discernment will often cause people to immediately assume there’s judgement. The quoted section was trying to gesture at the fact that people very often conflate the two, so it’s hard to convey one without the other.
I disagree that it’s hard, in the relevant context.
It’s hard to communicate this to someone who don’t have a distinction between the two concepts in their head. It’s also hard to communicate this with someone who are two quick to jump to conclutions regarding what you mean to say, and also have bad priors about you. This is enough of a problem, that I don’t recommend offering decernments to people you don’t know well. But that’s also kind of a mute point, since I think it’s bad to offer unsolicited advice to people you don’t know well, for other reasons.
But with someone like a romantic parner, or a close friend, with whom you’d have lots of long form conversation, I don’t think it’s hard.
You can infact just say: “I love you as you are, and among the things I love about you is the desire to grow stronger. I’ve noticed a way you could be stronger, do you want to hear it now or later?”
Or if you have extablished the words “desernment vs judgment” you can just pre-prease any suggestion for imporvment with “desernment”. Or what ever communication style works for you.
Later into the relationship, you might not even have to clarify, but the person will just have the correct prior that you’re expressing a desernment, and not a judgment.