If you judge someone, you are considering them to be e.g. morally or intrinsically bad, in ways that lead you to express disapproval (out loud or just in your head). If you are being discerning, you merely note that someone could be better, without that being a judgment on them.
To be clear, I do make this distinction in my head. The problem is that it’s a very hard distinction to signal out loud; expressing discernment will often cause people to immediately assume there’s judgement. The quoted section was trying to gesture at the fact that people very often conflate the two, so it’s hard to convey one without the other.
I disagree that it’s hard, in the relevant context.
It’s hard to communicate this to someone who don’t have a distinction between the two concepts in their head. It’s also hard to communicate this with someone who are two quick to jump to conclutions regarding what you mean to say, and also have bad priors about you. This is enough of a problem, that I don’t recommend offering decernments to people you don’t know well. But that’s also kind of a mute point, since I think it’s bad to offer unsolicited advice to people you don’t know well, for other reasons.
But with someone like a romantic parner, or a close friend, with whom you’d have lots of long form conversation, I don’t think it’s hard.
You can infact just say: “I love you as you are, and among the things I love about you is the desire to grow stronger. I’ve noticed a way you could be stronger, do you want to hear it now or later?”
Or if you have extablished the words “desernment vs judgment” you can just pre-prease any suggestion for imporvment with “desernment”. Or what ever communication style works for you.
Later into the relationship, you might not even have to clarify, but the person will just have the correct prior that you’re expressing a desernment, and not a judgment.
To be clear, I do make this distinction in my head. The problem is that it’s a very hard distinction to signal out loud; expressing discernment will often cause people to immediately assume there’s judgement. The quoted section was trying to gesture at the fact that people very often conflate the two, so it’s hard to convey one without the other.
I disagree that it’s hard, in the relevant context.
It’s hard to communicate this to someone who don’t have a distinction between the two concepts in their head. It’s also hard to communicate this with someone who are two quick to jump to conclutions regarding what you mean to say, and also have bad priors about you. This is enough of a problem, that I don’t recommend offering decernments to people you don’t know well. But that’s also kind of a mute point, since I think it’s bad to offer unsolicited advice to people you don’t know well, for other reasons.
But with someone like a romantic parner, or a close friend, with whom you’d have lots of long form conversation, I don’t think it’s hard.
You can infact just say: “I love you as you are, and among the things I love about you is the desire to grow stronger. I’ve noticed a way you could be stronger, do you want to hear it now or later?”
Or if you have extablished the words “desernment vs judgment” you can just pre-prease any suggestion for imporvment with “desernment”. Or what ever communication style works for you.
Later into the relationship, you might not even have to clarify, but the person will just have the correct prior that you’re expressing a desernment, and not a judgment.