they’ll need to feel seen before anything else works. And it’s very hard to make such a person feel seen without at least somewhat endorsing whatever idiocy their emotions are claiming.
I think the way of making someone feel seen, without needing to endorse what their emotions are claiming, is to reflect / validate / normalize the emotions themselves, rather than their assumed causes.
“That sounds really frustrating, it makes sense that you’re upset” (as a small random example) I imagine would make someone feel seen, without needing to endorse, or even discuss, the idiocy their emotions may be claiming.
I’m curious what comes up for you in reading that? Please let me know if I’m missing something :)
“That sounds really frustrating, it makes sense that you’re upset” pretty heavily endorses what the upset-ness is claiming. The central examples of hangriness, for instance, are cases where it does not make sense that the person is upset, because the things happening around them do not normally sound all that frustrating (relative to the strength of their upset-ness).
thank you John, that’s helpful & I see what you mean. I could have chosen a better example.
How about “I see that you’re really frustrated right now.” To me that’s just reflecting their emotional state and having them feel seen / heard, without endorsing their claim.
Do you agree? or have another suggestion on how to achieve that goal?
It seems people are disagreeing with this—I would love it if you can comment to explain why & help me learn what I may be missing. Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I think the way of making someone feel seen, without needing to endorse what their emotions are claiming, is to reflect / validate / normalize the emotions themselves, rather than their assumed causes.
“That sounds really frustrating, it makes sense that you’re upset” (as a small random example) I imagine would make someone feel seen, without needing to endorse, or even discuss, the idiocy their emotions may be claiming.
I’m curious what comes up for you in reading that? Please let me know if I’m missing something :)
“That sounds really frustrating, it makes sense that you’re upset” pretty heavily endorses what the upset-ness is claiming. The central examples of hangriness, for instance, are cases where it does not make sense that the person is upset, because the things happening around them do not normally sound all that frustrating (relative to the strength of their upset-ness).
thank you John, that’s helpful & I see what you mean. I could have chosen a better example.
How about “I see that you’re really frustrated right now.” To me that’s just reflecting their emotional state and having them feel seen / heard, without endorsing their claim.
Do you agree? or have another suggestion on how to achieve that goal?
Yeah, that one is much better, from a “not necessarily endorsing” perspective.
It seems people are disagreeing with this—I would love it if you can comment to explain why & help me learn what I may be missing. Thanks in advance for your consideration.