Came across this discussion accidentally, but it fascinates me because I’m “in my head”, have some Asperger’s-like characteristics, have a lot of anxiety around physical contact, particularly dislike dancing and have in fact made my date leave a dancing event early because I couldn’t make myself do it any longer, etc...but I’m a girl. And I can get dates pretty easily. (They usually aren’t very fun for me, though).
This discussion made me realize that if I were male, but otherwise unchanged, I might not be able to get dates easily. This confuses me. I’m curious as to what you think the difference is in the male-female dynamic.
This discussion made me realize that if I were male, but otherwise unchanged, I might not be able to get dates easily.
What do you mean “otherwise unchanged”, same level of attractiveness broadly construed (to the extent that this makes sense), or same percentile of attractiveness broadly construed within your gender and age group?
Yeah, being the other biological sex is complicated, but a roughly equivalent statement might be “If she could (convincingly) present herself as male and attempted to get dates with women, she expect to find it much harder than she does getting dates with men while presenting as female.”
ISTM that the n-th percentile man is less attractive to women than the n-th percentile woman is to men (at least for n not very close to 100), and as a result has less ‘bargaining power’, if you will.
I think “getting dates” isn’t the goal for most people. The question is whether you get into relationships with guys that fulfill your criteria of being good mates.
(They usually aren’t very fun for me, though).
I would guess that they would be more fun for you if you overcome your anxieties around physical contact.
I think that you do can overcome some of it by taking dancing classes.
I’m curious as to what you think the difference is in the male-female dynamic.
If you are a pretty girl than many man are willing to chase you and wait some time till you are ready.
At the same time a guy that’s empathic is less likely to ask you for another date if you don’t enjoy the first date.
I think “getting dates” isn’t the goal for most people. The question is whether you get into relationships with guys that fulfill your criteria of being good mates.
You’re right, this is a different problem. Which is still unsolved for me.
If you are a pretty girl than many man are willing to chase you and wait some time till you are ready.
I have had a guy go to fairly epic lengths to do this. We had what I think most people would call an awesome relationship afterwards, and lived together for some time...but a year and a half later, when we broke up, I basically wasn’t upset at all and actually got a happiness boost from having my own space and better sleep again. If I was upset, it was because “what, I put all those months of effort in, and I don’t even get a partner to have kids with?”
I think you would probably profit from going to a Salsa course. While doing it keep in mind that you want to enjoy physical contact but don’t get so close that it makes you uncomfortable.
At the beginning it would probably be good to just ask a male friend that you know and with whom you are comfortable to take a Salsa class with you.
Came across this discussion accidentally, but it fascinates me because I’m “in my head”, have some Asperger’s-like characteristics, have a lot of anxiety around physical contact, particularly dislike dancing and have in fact made my date leave a dancing event early because I couldn’t make myself do it any longer, etc...but I’m a girl. And I can get dates pretty easily. (They usually aren’t very fun for me, though).
This discussion made me realize that if I were male, but otherwise unchanged, I might not be able to get dates easily. This confuses me. I’m curious as to what you think the difference is in the male-female dynamic.
And that’s why I think “repository” threads belong in Main. That would have been much less likely to happen if this thread had been in Discussion.
Have you tried small amounts of alcohol, and/or mindfulness meditation?
What do you mean “otherwise unchanged”, same level of attractiveness broadly construed (to the extent that this makes sense), or same percentile of attractiveness broadly construed within your gender and age group?
Yeah, being the other biological sex is complicated, but a roughly equivalent statement might be “If she could (convincingly) present herself as male and attempted to get dates with women, she expect to find it much harder than she does getting dates with men while presenting as female.”
Same percentile, I guess?
ISTM that the n-th percentile man is less attractive to women than the n-th percentile woman is to men (at least for n not very close to 100), and as a result has less ‘bargaining power’, if you will.
I think “getting dates” isn’t the goal for most people. The question is whether you get into relationships with guys that fulfill your criteria of being good mates.
I would guess that they would be more fun for you if you overcome your anxieties around physical contact.
I think that you do can overcome some of it by taking dancing classes.
If you are a pretty girl than many man are willing to chase you and wait some time till you are ready. At the same time a guy that’s empathic is less likely to ask you for another date if you don’t enjoy the first date.
You’re right, this is a different problem. Which is still unsolved for me.
I have had a guy go to fairly epic lengths to do this. We had what I think most people would call an awesome relationship afterwards, and lived together for some time...but a year and a half later, when we broke up, I basically wasn’t upset at all and actually got a happiness boost from having my own space and better sleep again. If I was upset, it was because “what, I put all those months of effort in, and I don’t even get a partner to have kids with?”
So yeah, unsolved.
I think you would probably profit from going to a Salsa course. While doing it keep in mind that you want to enjoy physical contact but don’t get so close that it makes you uncomfortable.
At the beginning it would probably be good to just ask a male friend that you know and with whom you are comfortable to take a Salsa class with you.