“Learned helplessness” is a quasi-popular-therapy word for this.
You’re bringing up cognitive behavior therapy techniques for dealing with it basically. The oreo/heaven-or-hell thing is cognitive defusion in that you’re showing your intention and anxiety sort of floats apart from reality. It’s more specifically similar to an exposure response prevention exercise: induce the problem on purpose then react to it in a more defused way.
I’m not entirely sure how this relates to seeing this pattern in others. If they’re your friend, you typically take a two-pronged approach: help superficially and get them to address the root problem to the extent you’re aware of a root problem. If the attention is the point, the most loving thing to do is show it can be asked for and given freely. Fake pain won’t prevent getting attention any more than it will cause getting attention.
“Learned helplessness” only seems to cover some of these cases though. My exaggerated tiredness didn’t relate to a feeling of lack of control, but I do agree that it is a learned behavior.
...
Cognitive Defusion is the idea that your thoughts & emotions are separate from you. They aren’t immutable facts.
I do think that relates, but I want to communicate:
(1) Your mindset can drastically change how you experience things. (2) A specific subset of those mindsets involve exaggerating your suffering (sincerely), as a learned behavior that got you what you wanted in the past from those in power over you.
The oreo/heaven-or-hell point is to drive home #(1)
So yes, I agree then!
...
For relating to my close friends, it usually involves them telling themselves a very sad story (which is true but only focuses on a small subset of details), which can be asked for them to articulate, which can then be challenged directly (in a loving, tactful way; almost socratic?) while providing comfort.
Yeah, I think what I’m trying now is a CBT solution of “Notice your brain consistently telling yourself the worse-case story”, and might need to lean more into CBT. Thanks!
“Learned helplessness” is a quasi-popular-therapy word for this.
It’s a terms that means something else:
Learned helplessness is a psychological state in which a person (or animal) stops trying to change their situation after repeated experiences of powerlessness, even when escape or improvement later becomes possible. The concept originated from experiments by Martin Seligman and Steven Maier in the late 1960s: dogs exposed to unavoidable shocks later failed to avoid shocks they could escape.
In the situation the OP talks about it’s possible to change the situation by signaling being in pain to other people and then getting help from those people or those people otherwise accepting behavior of the person to change the situation that they might not otherwise expect.
I’m not entirely sure how this relates to seeing this pattern in others. If they’re your friend, you typically take a two-pronged approach: help superficially and get them to address the root problem to the extent you’re aware of a root problem.
Who’s that “you”? There’s stereotypical situation where a wife tells her husband about one of her struggles and then the husband tries to superficially help which actually doesn’t lead anywhere.
I think a good default response is listening and holding space for a person that suffers. There are also higher skill options that involve not accepting the frame. If you want to understand more in that regard jimmy’s sequence is good.
“Learned helplessness” is a quasi-popular-therapy word for this.
You’re bringing up cognitive behavior therapy techniques for dealing with it basically. The oreo/heaven-or-hell thing is cognitive defusion in that you’re showing your intention and anxiety sort of floats apart from reality. It’s more specifically similar to an exposure response prevention exercise: induce the problem on purpose then react to it in a more defused way.
I’m not entirely sure how this relates to seeing this pattern in others. If they’re your friend, you typically take a two-pronged approach: help superficially and get them to address the root problem to the extent you’re aware of a root problem. If the attention is the point, the most loving thing to do is show it can be asked for and given freely. Fake pain won’t prevent getting attention any more than it will cause getting attention.
Thanks for making these connections!
“Learned helplessness” only seems to cover some of these cases though. My exaggerated tiredness didn’t relate to a feeling of lack of control, but I do agree that it is a learned behavior.
...
Cognitive Defusion is the idea that your thoughts & emotions are separate from you. They aren’t immutable facts.
I do think that relates, but I want to communicate:
So yes, I agree then!
...
For relating to my close friends, it usually involves them telling themselves a very sad story (which is true but only focuses on a small subset of details), which can be asked for them to articulate, which can then be challenged directly (in a loving, tactful way; almost socratic?) while providing comfort.
Yeah, I think what I’m trying now is a CBT solution of “Notice your brain consistently telling yourself the worse-case story”, and might need to lean more into CBT. Thanks!
It’s a terms that means something else:
In the situation the OP talks about it’s possible to change the situation by signaling being in pain to other people and then getting help from those people or those people otherwise accepting behavior of the person to change the situation that they might not otherwise expect.
Who’s that “you”? There’s stereotypical situation where a wife tells her husband about one of her struggles and then the husband tries to superficially help which actually doesn’t lead anywhere.
I think a good default response is listening and holding space for a person that suffers. There are also higher skill options that involve not accepting the frame. If you want to understand more in that regard jimmy’s sequence is good.