I’m not sure how much your and Jefftk’s (or Aella’s) approaches or attitude really differ. I sure can imagine needing to intervene every five minutes with a 1, 3, and 5-year-olds. I had boys that ages, four in fact, and at that age, you have a very busy life. And much of that is intervening: Taking away a thing that can break or hurt, “No, you can’t bite the candle.” Moderating play between them. “Don’t bite.” Limiting action that causes a mess to clean up. “Stop throwing the Bolognese.” Sure that gets less, but if there is a sibling misalignment, you may be able to moderate and train is, but it may change and resurface as they age and learn. Two of my boys were great playmates most of the time but due to incompatible temperaments and perception got into conflicts at least every week, and that meant fighting, hitting, kicking of different types. Strategies, weapons, and defenses were invented. And despite all our best efforts at arguing, practicing, pleading, this went on and off until late teenagehood. And then suddenly stopped for good without any clear reason why. I was so relieved anyway.
ghiblified to protect the innocent
But I can also interpret what you say as you try your best to see them as people you do not own, whom you help develop their own personality and follow their own goals. I had many arguments with my children and listened to their positions and didn’t overrule them just because I could (I did have a tie-breaking vote in the family council though).
It would maybe help if you could describe a specific intervention with your 5-year-old in more detail.
And despite all our best efforts at arguing, practicing, pleading, this went on and off until late teenagehood. And then suddenly stopped for good without any clear reason why. I was so relieved anyway.
I believe this is completely normal! At least, the same seemed to happen in my family (where I’m the oldest of seven, all homeschooled).
Also, due to my position I have some experience in managing this without myself being able to resort to coercion (due to also being a child). The main thing that helps is simply distraction. Secondarily, mediating what often end up being communication errors and pointing out possible trades. And thirdly, imposing social costs or providing a shield to the victim (often literally lol).
The potential long-term cost of this is that it doesn’t teach conflict resolution. I have a strong learned response to seek distraction any time I am uncomfortable, but I don’t want to pass that on to my children.
This is the kind of thing that works but to me feels quite not good to do—I find it pretty disrespectful of the kids. But yes, much better in many senses than other approaches.
Uh. I’m not sure what respect means here. Clearly, you wouldn’t do that with a teenager, where it wouldn’t work anyway. I’m not sure respect is a concept that makes much sense with toddlers. Maybe you can elaborate.
I feel I’m “abusing their stupidity” when I do it. It is on their benefit and so on, but I find it in the direction of not saying the truth. I know, not the most important or relevant thing to worry or spend time thinking about… :-P
I’m not sure how much your and Jefftk’s (or Aella’s) approaches or attitude really differ. I sure can imagine needing to intervene every five minutes with a 1, 3, and 5-year-olds. I had boys that ages, four in fact, and at that age, you have a very busy life. And much of that is intervening: Taking away a thing that can break or hurt, “No, you can’t bite the candle.” Moderating play between them. “Don’t bite.” Limiting action that causes a mess to clean up. “Stop throwing the Bolognese.” Sure that gets less, but if there is a sibling misalignment, you may be able to moderate and train is, but it may change and resurface as they age and learn. Two of my boys were great playmates most of the time but due to incompatible temperaments and perception got into conflicts at least every week, and that meant fighting, hitting, kicking of different types. Strategies, weapons, and defenses were invented. And despite all our best efforts at arguing, practicing, pleading, this went on and off until late teenagehood. And then suddenly stopped for good without any clear reason why. I was so relieved anyway.
ghiblified to protect the innocent
But I can also interpret what you say as you try your best to see them as people you do not own, whom you help develop their own personality and follow their own goals. I had many arguments with my children and listened to their positions and didn’t overrule them just because I could (I did have a tie-breaking vote in the family council though).
It would maybe help if you could describe a specific intervention with your 5-year-old in more detail.
I believe this is completely normal! At least, the same seemed to happen in my family (where I’m the oldest of seven, all homeschooled).
Also, due to my position I have some experience in managing this without myself being able to resort to coercion (due to also being a child). The main thing that helps is simply distraction. Secondarily, mediating what often end up being communication errors and pointing out possible trades. And thirdly, imposing social costs or providing a shield to the victim (often literally lol).
The potential long-term cost of this is that it doesn’t teach conflict resolution. I have a strong learned response to seek distraction any time I am uncomfortable, but I don’t want to pass that on to my children.
True, but a cost issue. My mother (of six) also used distraction a lot. It is a cheap, quick, and low-coercive intervention.
This is the kind of thing that works but to me feels quite not good to do—I find it pretty disrespectful of the kids. But yes, much better in many senses than other approaches.
Uh. I’m not sure what respect means here. Clearly, you wouldn’t do that with a teenager, where it wouldn’t work anyway. I’m not sure respect is a concept that makes much sense with toddlers. Maybe you can elaborate.
I feel I’m “abusing their stupidity” when I do it. It is on their benefit and so on, but I find it in the direction of not saying the truth. I know, not the most important or relevant thing to worry or spend time thinking about… :-P