In one of the dorkier moments of my existence, I’ve written a poem about the Great Filter. I originally intended to write music for this, but I’ve gone a few months now without inspiration, so I think I’ll just post the poem to stand by itself and for y’all to rip apart.
The dire floor of Earth afore
saw once a fortuitous spark.
Life's swift flame sundry creature leased
and then one age a freakish beast
awakened from the dark.
Boundless skies beheld his eyes
and strident through the void he cried;
set his devices into space;
scryed for signs of a yonder race;
but desolate hush replied.
Stars surround and worlds abound,
the spheres too numerous to name.
Yet still no creature yet attains
to seize this lot, so each remains
raw hell or barren plain.
What daunting pale do most 'fore fail?
Be the test later or done?
Those dooms forgone our lives attest
themselves impel from first inquest:
cogito ergo sum.
Man does boast a charmèd post,
to wield the blade of reason pure.
But if this prov'ence be not rare,
then augurs fate our morrow bare,
our fleeting days obscure.
But might we nigh such odds defy,
and see before us cosmos bend?
Toward the heavens thy mind set,
and waver not: this proof, till 'yet,
did ne'er with man contend!
Suggested tweaks are welcome. Things that I’m currently unhappy with are that “fortuitous” scans awkwardly, and the skies/eyes rhyme feels clichéd.
I’ll just post the poem to stand by itself and for y’all to rip apart.
It reminds me of something that happened in college, where a poem of mine was being put in some sort of collection; there was a typo in it, and I mentioned a correction to the professor. He nodded wisely, and said, “yes, that would keep it to iambic pentameter.”
And I said, “iambic who what now?”… or words to that effect.
And then I discovered the wonderful world of meter. ;-)
Your poem is trying to be in iambic tetrameter (four iambs—“dit dah” stress patterns), but it’s missing the boat in a lot of places. Iambic tetrameter also doesn’t lend itself to sounding serious; you can write something serious in it, sure, but it’ll always have kind of a childish singsong-y sort of feel, so you have to know how to counter it.
Before I grokked this meter stuff, I just randomly tried to make things sound right, which is what your poem appears to be doing. If you actually know what meter you’re trying for, it’s a LOT easier to find the right words, because they will be words that naturally hit the beat. Ideally, you should be able to read your poem in a complete monotone and STILL hear the rhythmic beating of the dit’s and dah’s… you could probably write a morse code message if you wanted to. ;-)
Anyway, you will probably find it a lot easier to fix the problems with the poem’s rhythm if you know what rhythm you are trying to create. Enjoy!
Yes, I’m well aware of what iambic tetrameter is and that the poem generally conforms to it :-). The intended meter isn’t quite that simple though. The final verse of each stanza is only three feet, and the first foot of the third verse of each stanza is a spondee. Verses are headless where necessary.
There’s also an inverted foot in “Be the test later or done?”, but I’m leaving that in even though I could easily substitute “ahead” for “later”. Despite breaking the meter, it sounds better as-is.
The intended meter isn’t quite that simple though.
Fair enough. I found other aspects of the poem so awkward, though, that I never actually finished any one full stanza without wincing. The rhythm seemed like the one thing I could offer a semi-objective opinion on, and I figured that maybe some of the other things that were bothering me were a result of you trying to fit a meter without conscious awareness of what meter you were trying to fit.
In one of the dorkier moments of my existence, I’ve written a poem about the Great Filter. I originally intended to write music for this, but I’ve gone a few months now without inspiration, so I think I’ll just post the poem to stand by itself and for y’all to rip apart.
Suggested tweaks are welcome. Things that I’m currently unhappy with are that “fortuitous” scans awkwardly, and the skies/eyes rhyme feels clichéd.
It reminds me of something that happened in college, where a poem of mine was being put in some sort of collection; there was a typo in it, and I mentioned a correction to the professor. He nodded wisely, and said, “yes, that would keep it to iambic pentameter.”
And I said, “iambic who what now?”… or words to that effect.
And then I discovered the wonderful world of meter. ;-)
Your poem is trying to be in iambic tetrameter (four iambs—“dit dah” stress patterns), but it’s missing the boat in a lot of places. Iambic tetrameter also doesn’t lend itself to sounding serious; you can write something serious in it, sure, but it’ll always have kind of a childish singsong-y sort of feel, so you have to know how to counter it.
Before I grokked this meter stuff, I just randomly tried to make things sound right, which is what your poem appears to be doing. If you actually know what meter you’re trying for, it’s a LOT easier to find the right words, because they will be words that naturally hit the beat. Ideally, you should be able to read your poem in a complete monotone and STILL hear the rhythmic beating of the dit’s and dah’s… you could probably write a morse code message if you wanted to. ;-)
Anyway, you will probably find it a lot easier to fix the problems with the poem’s rhythm if you know what rhythm you are trying to create. Enjoy!
For those who still read books, recommend “The Poem’s Heartbeat”.
Yes, I’m well aware of what iambic tetrameter is and that the poem generally conforms to it :-). The intended meter isn’t quite that simple though. The final verse of each stanza is only three feet, and the first foot of the third verse of each stanza is a spondee. Verses are headless where necessary.
There’s also an inverted foot in “Be the test later or done?”, but I’m leaving that in even though I could easily substitute “ahead” for “later”. Despite breaking the meter, it sounds better as-is.
Fair enough. I found other aspects of the poem so awkward, though, that I never actually finished any one full stanza without wincing. The rhythm seemed like the one thing I could offer a semi-objective opinion on, and I figured that maybe some of the other things that were bothering me were a result of you trying to fit a meter without conscious awareness of what meter you were trying to fit.
I think it works very well as is. Upvoted.
Edit: but perhaps ‘wondrous’ for ‘fortuitous’?