I’m very sensitive to the possibility of “falling out of love” with somebody.
I wonder a bit about this “falling our of love”.
Obviously it is not that the ‘chemistry’ no longer matches. Do you mean infatuation wearing off? Which it obviously does for most people withing months. Or is it a bonding (which seems to have a strong neurophysiological basis) that is breaking?
To clarify: For us chemistry didn’t match very well. I fell heavily in love with her so I assume that was infatuated. And also obviously I bonded very strongly.
But I could rekindle the feeling of infatuation at will at any time. I could willingly flood myself with happiness. But I used it sparingly. I feared that it’d wear off if used too much or would bind to the wrong triggers. To keep it during crisis I reattached it to the children and I can still call it. So I say yes. Obviously at least that part is subject to will,
My bonding on the other hand didn’t seem to wear off with time and only broke under extreme pressure..
So “falling out of love” doesn’t really make sense to me.
I think of it now as the result of the failure to maintain a shared sufficient intentional conscious effort to the relationship by each partner.
The infatuation wears off. Felt affection isn’t always consistent—there are mornings when you wake up and don’t even like the person lying next to you, let alone feel in love with them.
Yet, you keep putting effort into love. Into being creative and helpful and courteous, etc. When that stops, there is the possibility for the relationship to wither.
In that sense, I don’t really think about “falling out of love” in the same way anymore. I still have a sense of worry about what that might feel like. But as I get older, I’m more aware of how fickle feelings can be. I’m aware love has a lot to do with choice.
The other thing is this: There is some huge chunk of the “successful” relationships out there that are functioning nowhere near what you would see as successful. Just because two people share a mortgage and have kids doesn’t mean they are fulfilled or happy.
I wonder a bit about this “falling our of love”.
Obviously it is not that the ‘chemistry’ no longer matches. Do you mean infatuation wearing off? Which it obviously does for most people withing months. Or is it a bonding (which seems to have a strong neurophysiological basis) that is breaking?
To clarify: For us chemistry didn’t match very well. I fell heavily in love with her so I assume that was infatuated. And also obviously I bonded very strongly.
But I could rekindle the feeling of infatuation at will at any time. I could willingly flood myself with happiness. But I used it sparingly. I feared that it’d wear off if used too much or would bind to the wrong triggers. To keep it during crisis I reattached it to the children and I can still call it. So I say yes. Obviously at least that part is subject to will,
My bonding on the other hand didn’t seem to wear off with time and only broke under extreme pressure..
So “falling out of love” doesn’t really make sense to me.
I think of it now as the result of the failure to maintain a shared sufficient intentional conscious effort to the relationship by each partner.
The infatuation wears off. Felt affection isn’t always consistent—there are mornings when you wake up and don’t even like the person lying next to you, let alone feel in love with them.
Yet, you keep putting effort into love. Into being creative and helpful and courteous, etc. When that stops, there is the possibility for the relationship to wither.
In that sense, I don’t really think about “falling out of love” in the same way anymore. I still have a sense of worry about what that might feel like. But as I get older, I’m more aware of how fickle feelings can be. I’m aware love has a lot to do with choice.
The other thing is this: There is some huge chunk of the “successful” relationships out there that are functioning nowhere near what you would see as successful. Just because two people share a mortgage and have kids doesn’t mean they are fulfilled or happy.