Considering that psychopaths may indeed be prosocial or ethically motivated.
Does that happen? I mean, there are psychopaths who decide to ignore the tendency and act morally, but would shooting some dudes still be fun then?
MixedNuts
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Wait, you mean actually feel safe, as in you can relax just as much as when you’re alone with a good book, not just be aware that the person is allied to you? How does that jive with “using your conscious decision to behave nicely to the other person even if at the moment you don’t feel emotionally compelled to”?
I was abused as a child. You seem to be very distressed about this, so let me make it clear that my life is pretty good and I don’t have any awful traumas or anything. But all sources of advice about how to move on and go on about one’s life insist on this: abuse screws up attachment. If I ever (ever, not “before I’ve healed enough”) drop my CONSTANT VIGILANCE!, I will hurt people who love me for the power trip (this is confirmed by experience), and I will be abused again by someone who notices I’m an easy victim (this isn’t; Shiny Boyfriend is astoundingly ethical).
There’s probably a better way to keep those bad tendencies in check than through fear and guilt, which is why I brought it up. But your version of love seems incompatible with having bad tendencies in the first place.
Thanks! That doesn’t match my experience at all, so it’s nice to learn about.
maybe that’s the gap that you have to overcome using your conscious decision to behave nicely to the other person even if at the moment you don’t feel emotionally compelled to
Crushing fear of being abusive, and guilt about having hurt them in the past, works really well for this.
I think your classification is missing something. I’ve had close trusted friends I had sexual desire for (whether I acted on it or not) without wanting to date them. B, as lucidian suggests, probably contains more sub-components.
Because of this, I can’t understand the rest of your post. Thanks for the advice; it’s good, but not new.
Does a normal good relationship happen like so?: “You develop obsession and (possibly later) desire, then closeness, then the obsession fades.” (I’m not sure many people agree that Mature Adult Love takes less than six months to develop!) What is it like when the obsession fades?
Everyone says “three to six months” (with a few outliers saying one, two, or three years), and I’m starting to think this is evidence they trust what everyone else says over their own experience, rather than separate observations matching, because reported experiences differ wildly. In particular, many people think of love as intense friendship plus sex, while many others have a completely distinct romance drive.
The obsessive part of love only lasts for three or six months
I’ve never been in Mature Adult Love. Is it a real thing, or just having no particular feelings but deciding you like the company? What is it like?
What’s your policy for interacting with Patrick? Do you get along? I have some of the same problems you describe about walking on eggshells around Guessers.
The one I love and hope to spend my life with is a Guesser. This is how I learnt the previous comment. So I have quite a stake in learning Guess dialects. It helps not to mind weirdness, and to develop systems to catch misunderstandings. I’d be grateful for any advice.
This is a horrible thing to do to a Guesser. When you Ask out of turn, you’re forcing them to either comply or be rude, and they resent you. When you Tell, you’re imposing intimacy on them—making yourself vulnerable and demanding they do the same, and underlining exactly how a refusal would hurt you. That causes terrible guilt.
Downvoted, not because the content of the post is bad, but because it encourages people to list polite ways to get out of annoying conversations, decide they don’t count as polite anymore, and throw hissy fits when people won’t discuss their pet topic.
print some pages mirrored upside down
This is too good not to hear the story. Google turns up nothing. Tell!
Last year there were 2% “other” answers, versus 13% “polyamorous” and 30% “uncertain/no preference” ones. This suggests there is no need to break down “other” any further, unless people in relationship models like yours pick “uncertain” rather than “other” and would switch if “monogamish” was an option.
Why do you want this to be a separate option, rather than “other”?
Took the survey. Surprisingly short.
Due to fundamental attribution bias, understanding people’s motivations deeply is likely to make you love them more and hate them less.
I can’t really imagine anything that would elicit these sorts of emotions between two mentally healthy parties communicating by text-only terminals
There’s no particular reason why you should assume both parties are mentally healthy, given how common mental illness is.
Some people cry over sad novels which they know are purely fictional. Some people fall in love over text. What’s so surprising?
I’m sublimating my urge to get into fights and hurt people.
Well yes, I am very concerned, because you’re talking about convincing people that it won’t collapse ecosystems, and not about figuring out whether it’ll actually collapse ecosystems in the real world that doesn’t care how persuasive you sound.