I have a bias in that I really, really don’t understand the “guess” mentality. Or rather, I see how it could develop but I don’t understand how people once they are aware of the breakdown don’t immediately say “hey! Ask is more efficient and less likely to lead to misunderstandings.” While a culture that is a mix of Askers and Guessers will have a lot of misunderstandings (and likely more than a pure Ask or pure Guess culture), it seems that Guessers frequently have more serious misunderstandings due to poor guessing even when interacting with other Guessers. In contrast, Askers rarely have a problem interacting with other Askers in the same way. So it seems that utility is maximized with Askers. There’s likely some biases coming into play in constructing this argument in that I’m heavily an Asker, and I’ve tried in areas I was more of a Guesser to move towards being more of an Asker because it just seems to work better. I’d be enlightened if someone could point out where my logic about ideal cultures breaks down.
Consider an “ask culture” where employees consider themselves totally allowed to say “no” without repercussions. The boss would prefer people work unpaid overtime so ey gets more work done without having to pay anything, so ey asks everyone. Most people say no, because they hate unpaid overtime. The only people who agree will be those who really love the company or their job—they end up looking really good. More and more workers realize the value of lying and agreeing to work unpaid overtime so the boss thinks they really love the company. Eventually, the few workers who continue refusing look really bad, like they’re the only ones who aren’t team players, and they grudgingly accept.
Only now the boss notices that the employees hate their jobs and hate the boss. The boss decides to only ask employees if they will work unpaid overtime when it’s absolutely necessary. The ask culture has become a guess culture.
Guesser culture affords much more signaling of how well you understand people. People who correctly guess will come off as more intelligent, observant and understanding. It’s like the difference between offering money and offering carefully chosen presents; money may be more efficient, but efficiency isn’t the only factor coming into account.
Interestingly, Chinese culture seems much more guess-based than American culture, but in China gifts are usually in cash, not in presents. Maybe societies all need a way to signal understanding and social suaveness, but choose different mechanisms.
Guesser culture affords much more signaling of how well you understand people.
Bingo. Furthermore, asking in certain contexts makes you look unsocialized or under-confident. For instance, “would you like to come to my party on Friday?” sounds strange. Instead, it’s more common to say “come to my party on Friday.” This way is both “asking” an implicit question, and making a “guess” about the answer.
“Would you like to come to my party on Friday?” = “I am requesting that you come to my party but I only believe that there is a <50% chance that you will want to come”
“Come to my party on Friday” = “I am requesting that you come to my party but I believe that there is a >50% chance that you will want to come”
If/how you ask/guess signals your belief about your legitimacy in desiring a certain outcome, and also signals your estimated probability that the other person will also desire that outcome.
This is because sheer confidence and pushiness also work, to an extent. Just behaving enough like a leader is enough to get people to follow you. To encourage repeat following, be sure to deliver.
Upside: people do in fact go along more often than not. It’s somewhat disquieting how well it can work. Downside: you get a reputation as a pushy sod, which may be problematic later.
(I have specifically warned the staff at my daughter’s nursery to keep an eye out for her dominating the other kids too much and directly encouraging her to play cooperatively where feasible. She’s 3 1⁄2 and she successfully pushes the 5yo’s around and makes them play her games with her. Her pantomime theatresports variation of hide and seek—where you pretend to hide and pretend to seek, and the game is to be as creatively theatrical in the hiding and seeking as possible—particularly confuses them.)
pantomime theatresports variation of hide and seek—where you pretend to hide and pretend to seek, and the game is to be as creatively theatrical in the hiding and seeking as possible
She invented the pretending bit, I blatantly encouraged the creatively theatrical bit. I want her to learn what truth and pretend are, because I like Henson’s “whopper” theory. She’s doing okay I think at discerning truth, fiction and falsity.
Her mother plays too. It’s possible we just like having an appreciative audience, even if the audience is three years old.
I wonder if the other kids will take to pretend hide and seek.
Yeah, I think that’s true. Among communities that identify as smart, for example, I find it’s common to obfuscate speech or explicitly set out puzzles for one another, and I think that serves a similar role… even though such communities (like most communities whose membership changes quickly) tend to be “Ask” subcultures.
But I’ll add to it that Guess cultures mostly don’t involve guesswork. They involve inferring likely conditions based on evidence that isn’t explicitly articulated.
More precisely: Culture A is an Ask culture relative to Culture B with respect to a subject if A explicitly articulates things about that subject that B doesn’t articulate.
So I think your question is isomorphic to “Why would anyone prefer not to explicitly articulate all their evidence?”… that is, “Why are some things rude to talk about?”
Not that that answers your question, but it might provide some useful directions.
Yup. This became particularly clear to me when I dated someone in college who was from an equally “Guess” but different culture than the one I was raised in (1). I understood perfectly well what was going on, but I didn’t know the cues.
It would not surprise me too much to discover that the whole idea of “a Guess culture” is actually an illusion, similar to the idea that one’s own native language is inherently easier to understand than other people’s, and that all cultures are equally opaque to outsiders. (I don’t think that’s likely, but it’s not impossible.)
(1) I came from a Hispanic immigrant background, she came from an upper-class New England background. Together, we fought crime.
Heh. It was twenty years ago, I’m probably confabulating more than I’m recalling.
To pick an example… I remember observing that both my family and hers had highly specific ways of communicating the difference between a demand, a request, and a question, but the mechanisms had almost nothing in common. In my family, if it was phrased as an interrogative it was either a question or a demand, but never a request. and I was expected to recognize demands by context. In her family, it seemed everything was an interrogative; whatever the cue was, I never really figured it out.
Sorry for the necromancy—I’d call Guess cultures Hint, Subtle, or Infer/Imply/Implicit cultures, and Ask cultures Blurt, Overt, or Explicit cultures, for the full range of connotation.
There are some things which it’s impolite to say, in any words, because the sentiment is impolite—for example, “I don’t want you to come to my party.” Guess culture, applied well, allows you to avoid having to say those things or cause the attendant hurt feelings. (Guess culture applied poorly avoids the hurt feelings but puts you in the awkward position where they’re at the party anyway because you felt compelled to invite them.) The same situation in ask culture requires you come out with it.
This may sound like a good thing in the long run—especially if you are yourself asky—but sometimes there are valid reasons both that you don’t want someone at the party (they smell bad) and that you don’t want to hurt their feelings (they’re your boss/family member/other person you’ll be spending more time around, especially in a position of authority).
Another thing guess culture is good at is keeping secrets. In ask culture, if someone asks you something you’ve promised not to tell, it’s certainly valid to say “Sorry, I can’t tell you.” But then they know there’s a secret, and sometimes that alone is enough to cause harm—through speculation and deduction, or asking someone else, for example. (You could also lie, but that might cause its own problems.) In guess culture, there are things you don’t ask about. This is part of why.
It may be worth observing that being a good Guesser in an Ask culture is a minor superpower.
In all human cultures, being able to read people accurately is advantageous.
(I recall reading a hypothesis or theory that our huge brains were quite specifically evolved by pressure of dealing with each other, and that this was intense enough to require even more social acuity than our otherwise politically similar chimpanzee brethren have. These things on our necks are peacocks’ tails. I can’t find the link, however. Anyone?)
Why should you ever be a guesser?
Because guessers exist, and sometimes it’s not in your interest to offend them.
I think what makes people tend towards guessing is a combination of personal temperament, childhood upbringing, and current environment. If you’re sensitive to criticism and rejection, and you’re good at picking up emotional cues (or at least if you tend to read emotional states into people; you may be wrong about those states), then you’ll really want to avoid upsetting people with your requests. If you were brought up to believe asking is rude, you won’t ask much.
I have a bias in that I really, really don’t understand the “guess” mentality. Or rather, I see how it could develop but I don’t understand how people once they are aware of the breakdown don’t immediately say “hey! Ask is more efficient and less likely to lead to misunderstandings.” While a culture that is a mix of Askers and Guessers will have a lot of misunderstandings (and likely more than a pure Ask or pure Guess culture), it seems that Guessers frequently have more serious misunderstandings due to poor guessing even when interacting with other Guessers. In contrast, Askers rarely have a problem interacting with other Askers in the same way. So it seems that utility is maximized with Askers. There’s likely some biases coming into play in constructing this argument in that I’m heavily an Asker, and I’ve tried in areas I was more of a Guesser to move towards being more of an Asker because it just seems to work better. I’d be enlightened if someone could point out where my logic about ideal cultures breaks down.
Consider an “ask culture” where employees consider themselves totally allowed to say “no” without repercussions. The boss would prefer people work unpaid overtime so ey gets more work done without having to pay anything, so ey asks everyone. Most people say no, because they hate unpaid overtime. The only people who agree will be those who really love the company or their job—they end up looking really good. More and more workers realize the value of lying and agreeing to work unpaid overtime so the boss thinks they really love the company. Eventually, the few workers who continue refusing look really bad, like they’re the only ones who aren’t team players, and they grudgingly accept.
Only now the boss notices that the employees hate their jobs and hate the boss. The boss decides to only ask employees if they will work unpaid overtime when it’s absolutely necessary. The ask culture has become a guess culture.
Is this a concrete example? Or based on one or many? I am having trouble considering it. (Walmart perhaps?)
Guesser culture affords much more signaling of how well you understand people. People who correctly guess will come off as more intelligent, observant and understanding. It’s like the difference between offering money and offering carefully chosen presents; money may be more efficient, but efficiency isn’t the only factor coming into account.
Interestingly, Chinese culture seems much more guess-based than American culture, but in China gifts are usually in cash, not in presents. Maybe societies all need a way to signal understanding and social suaveness, but choose different mechanisms.
Bingo. Furthermore, asking in certain contexts makes you look unsocialized or under-confident. For instance, “would you like to come to my party on Friday?” sounds strange. Instead, it’s more common to say “come to my party on Friday.” This way is both “asking” an implicit question, and making a “guess” about the answer.
“Would you like to come to my party on Friday?” = “I am requesting that you come to my party but I only believe that there is a <50% chance that you will want to come”
“Come to my party on Friday” = “I am requesting that you come to my party but I believe that there is a >50% chance that you will want to come”
If/how you ask/guess signals your belief about your legitimacy in desiring a certain outcome, and also signals your estimated probability that the other person will also desire that outcome.
This is because sheer confidence and pushiness also work, to an extent. Just behaving enough like a leader is enough to get people to follow you. To encourage repeat following, be sure to deliver.
Upside: people do in fact go along more often than not. It’s somewhat disquieting how well it can work. Downside: you get a reputation as a pushy sod, which may be problematic later.
(I have specifically warned the staff at my daughter’s nursery to keep an eye out for her dominating the other kids too much and directly encouraging her to play cooperatively where feasible. She’s 3 1⁄2 and she successfully pushes the 5yo’s around and makes them play her games with her. Her pantomime theatresports variation of hide and seek—where you pretend to hide and pretend to seek, and the game is to be as creatively theatrical in the hiding and seeking as possible—particularly confuses them.)
Awwwwwwww.
She invented the pretending bit, I blatantly encouraged the creatively theatrical bit. I want her to learn what truth and pretend are, because I like Henson’s “whopper” theory. She’s doing okay I think at discerning truth, fiction and falsity.
Her mother plays too. It’s possible we just like having an appreciative audience, even if the audience is three years old.
I wonder if the other kids will take to pretend hide and seek.
Yeah, I think that’s true. Among communities that identify as smart, for example, I find it’s common to obfuscate speech or explicitly set out puzzles for one another, and I think that serves a similar role… even though such communities (like most communities whose membership changes quickly) tend to be “Ask” subcultures.
I really like Yvain’s answer!
But I’ll add to it that Guess cultures mostly don’t involve guesswork. They involve inferring likely conditions based on evidence that isn’t explicitly articulated.
More precisely: Culture A is an Ask culture relative to Culture B with respect to a subject if A explicitly articulates things about that subject that B doesn’t articulate.
So I think your question is isomorphic to “Why would anyone prefer not to explicitly articulate all their evidence?”… that is, “Why are some things rude to talk about?”
Not that that answers your question, but it might provide some useful directions.
I’ve seen it suggested that “Guess” is an unfair portrayal—it’s how Infer cultures look to people who don’t know the rules.
Yup. This became particularly clear to me when I dated someone in college who was from an equally “Guess” but different culture than the one I was raised in (1). I understood perfectly well what was going on, but I didn’t know the cues.
It would not surprise me too much to discover that the whole idea of “a Guess culture” is actually an illusion, similar to the idea that one’s own native language is inherently easier to understand than other people’s, and that all cultures are equally opaque to outsiders. (I don’t think that’s likely, but it’s not impossible.)
(1) I came from a Hispanic immigrant background, she came from an upper-class New England background. Together, we fought crime.
That’s an awesome comment. I’m interested which specific cues came up that you realised each other didn’t get :)
Heh. It was twenty years ago, I’m probably confabulating more than I’m recalling.
To pick an example… I remember observing that both my family and hers had highly specific ways of communicating the difference between a demand, a request, and a question, but the mechanisms had almost nothing in common. In my family, if it was phrased as an interrogative it was either a question or a demand, but never a request. and I was expected to recognize demands by context. In her family, it seemed everything was an interrogative; whatever the cue was, I never really figured it out.
Sorry for the necromancy—I’d call Guess cultures Hint, Subtle, or Infer/Imply/Implicit cultures, and Ask cultures Blurt, Overt, or Explicit cultures, for the full range of connotation.
There are some things which it’s impolite to say, in any words, because the sentiment is impolite—for example, “I don’t want you to come to my party.” Guess culture, applied well, allows you to avoid having to say those things or cause the attendant hurt feelings. (Guess culture applied poorly avoids the hurt feelings but puts you in the awkward position where they’re at the party anyway because you felt compelled to invite them.) The same situation in ask culture requires you come out with it.
This may sound like a good thing in the long run—especially if you are yourself asky—but sometimes there are valid reasons both that you don’t want someone at the party (they smell bad) and that you don’t want to hurt their feelings (they’re your boss/family member/other person you’ll be spending more time around, especially in a position of authority).
Another thing guess culture is good at is keeping secrets. In ask culture, if someone asks you something you’ve promised not to tell, it’s certainly valid to say “Sorry, I can’t tell you.” But then they know there’s a secret, and sometimes that alone is enough to cause harm—through speculation and deduction, or asking someone else, for example. (You could also lie, but that might cause its own problems.) In guess culture, there are things you don’t ask about. This is part of why.
It may be worth observing that being a good Guesser in an Ask culture is a minor superpower.
In all human cultures, being able to read people accurately is advantageous.
(I recall reading a hypothesis or theory that our huge brains were quite specifically evolved by pressure of dealing with each other, and that this was intense enough to require even more social acuity than our otherwise politically similar chimpanzee brethren have. These things on our necks are peacocks’ tails. I can’t find the link, however. Anyone?)
Why should you ever be a guesser? Because guessers exist, and sometimes it’s not in your interest to offend them.
I think what makes people tend towards guessing is a combination of personal temperament, childhood upbringing, and current environment. If you’re sensitive to criticism and rejection, and you’re good at picking up emotional cues (or at least if you tend to read emotional states into people; you may be wrong about those states), then you’ll really want to avoid upsetting people with your requests. If you were brought up to believe asking is rude, you won’t ask much.