Not really an experienced player of the relevant games, but I personally have turned down an obvious sex invitation with someone who I was otherwise interested in because too little conversation (and don’t regret this choice). I am not very interested in sex with someone who I can’t have a good conversation with. I feel like a lot of the intrigue of an intimate encounter is conversational intimacy. I’ve never experienced the chat at party → sex pipeline, however. Only [chat online for multiple months]->sex.
Not sure how much this applies to you specifically, but my go-to hypothesis when someone says “I am not very interested in sex with someone who I can’t have a good conversation with” is “yeah sure you’re not, I wonder what you’d say if you were already turned on by the person in question?”. Like, using Aella’s toy model of “ladybrain” and “hornybrain”, “I am not very interested in sex with someone who I can’t have a good conversation with” is a very central example of something ladybrain says. And like most of the things ladybrain says, one could jump through the hoop… or one could just get hornybrain amped up enough that ladybrain gives up and calls it a night.
On my models, when someone is actually turned on, a lot of their supposed barriers have a tendency to suddenly become quite flexible.
No disagreement with the broad statements, but I note that your words do not particularly register the point that good conversation itself might be a turnon and lack thereof a turnoff? IE your post presents a puzzle: what’s with the banter → sex thing? I’m suggesting that many people might want to talk first as an inherent preference. Sure, there might be ways around that, but you weren’t asking for something with no loopholes, you were asking about the banter → sex thing.
I guess I should have directly asked: is the appeal of conversation before sex, for you, that it is a sexual turn on in its own right? Like, does good conversation with someone make you sexually aroused? Or is it something less direct than that, like e.g. you find it hard to be aroused by someone without first respecting them, or feeling curious about them, or something like that?
Absolutely not. From my experience, not at all. I have turned down sex with someone I’d been on a date with, found attractive, and was generally interested in because they were, that day, boring me enough that the attraction couldn’t stick.
Other things like kinks and fantasies can get more flexible far easier than the appeal of a partner. Conversely, an intellectually appealing partner makes everything else more flexible, including beauty standards and what seems hot.
Not really an experienced player of the relevant games, but I personally have turned down an obvious sex invitation with someone who I was otherwise interested in because too little conversation (and don’t regret this choice). I am not very interested in sex with someone who I can’t have a good conversation with. I feel like a lot of the intrigue of an intimate encounter is conversational intimacy. I’ve never experienced the chat at party → sex pipeline, however. Only [chat online for multiple months]->sex.
Not sure how much this applies to you specifically, but my go-to hypothesis when someone says “I am not very interested in sex with someone who I can’t have a good conversation with” is “yeah sure you’re not, I wonder what you’d say if you were already turned on by the person in question?”. Like, using Aella’s toy model of “ladybrain” and “hornybrain”, “I am not very interested in sex with someone who I can’t have a good conversation with” is a very central example of something ladybrain says. And like most of the things ladybrain says, one could jump through the hoop… or one could just get hornybrain amped up enough that ladybrain gives up and calls it a night.
On my models, when someone is actually turned on, a lot of their supposed barriers have a tendency to suddenly become quite flexible.
No disagreement with the broad statements, but I note that your words do not particularly register the point that good conversation itself might be a turnon and lack thereof a turnoff? IE your post presents a puzzle: what’s with the banter → sex thing? I’m suggesting that many people might want to talk first as an inherent preference. Sure, there might be ways around that, but you weren’t asking for something with no loopholes, you were asking about the banter → sex thing.
I guess I should have directly asked: is the appeal of conversation before sex, for you, that it is a sexual turn on in its own right? Like, does good conversation with someone make you sexually aroused? Or is it something less direct than that, like e.g. you find it hard to be aroused by someone without first respecting them, or feeling curious about them, or something like that?
Seems to me like both.
This is illustrated well in this Seinfeld clip.
Well you see. If I couldn’t have a good conversation with someone I would not be turned on.
Absolutely not. From my experience, not at all. I have turned down sex with someone I’d been on a date with, found attractive, and was generally interested in because they were, that day, boring me enough that the attraction couldn’t stick.
Other things like kinks and fantasies can get more flexible far easier than the appeal of a partner. Conversely, an intellectually appealing partner makes everything else more flexible, including beauty standards and what seems hot.