When I read that, I feel both like it’s describing a phenomenon which probably does happen a fair bit, and like it basically misses the core drivers behind most of my own BDSM-esque experiences. There’s more than one other pattern I’ve experienced, but here’s one which I feel able to flesh out right now.
For certain relationships, a strong dom/sub dynamic feels like the natural shape of the relationship. Ordinary social norms dictate maintaining a much greater semblance of equality, but adhering to those norms feels psychologically forced and uncomfortable in a way analogous to holding one’s body in an awkward shape for a long time.
In the cases I’m thinking of, there are domains in which she usually feels either anxious or insecure or both. She mostly doesn’t understand what’s going on, or mostly doesn’t know what to do, or feels embarrassed or decision-paralyzed, or doesn’t know what she wants or what I want, etc. (Sex is one such domain, but often there are many.) And on the other side, I mostly do understand what’s going on, mostly do have a good plan, feel comfortable making decisions, know what we both want, etc. In such a domain, asking her to make decisions is frustrating for both of us; it’s much smoother if I just take charge and tell her what to do (and ask narrow questions of her when I need information, or delegate narrow tasks when I need her to do things).
That’s one type of pressure which pushes toward dom/sub shaped relationships. And when the relationship naturally takes that shape, it feels so much smoother to step into explicit dom/sub roles, rather than trying to maintain a semblance of power balance.
Another pattern I’ve experienced: rather than an inability to make decisions or stress making decisions, she wants to shut down her brain and let someone else handle everything. That’s the sort of thing Aella talks about in her “Good at Sex” series; it applies to the sexual trance state, but also some similar states outside the bedroom like e.g. following in a lot of dances. And on my side, that leaves me a lot of freedom to take things wherever I please; I can act relatively unconstrained. The upshot is similar: the relationship naturally falls into a dom/sub shape, and making it take some other shape feels psychologically forced and uncomfortable.
When I read that, I feel both like it’s describing a phenomenon which probably does happen a fair bit, and like it basically misses the core drivers behind most of my own BDSM-esque experiences. There’s more than one other pattern I’ve experienced, but here’s one which I feel able to flesh out right now.
For certain relationships, a strong dom/sub dynamic feels like the natural shape of the relationship. Ordinary social norms dictate maintaining a much greater semblance of equality, but adhering to those norms feels psychologically forced and uncomfortable in a way analogous to holding one’s body in an awkward shape for a long time.
In the cases I’m thinking of, there are domains in which she usually feels either anxious or insecure or both. She mostly doesn’t understand what’s going on, or mostly doesn’t know what to do, or feels embarrassed or decision-paralyzed, or doesn’t know what she wants or what I want, etc. (Sex is one such domain, but often there are many.) And on the other side, I mostly do understand what’s going on, mostly do have a good plan, feel comfortable making decisions, know what we both want, etc. In such a domain, asking her to make decisions is frustrating for both of us; it’s much smoother if I just take charge and tell her what to do (and ask narrow questions of her when I need information, or delegate narrow tasks when I need her to do things).
That’s one type of pressure which pushes toward dom/sub shaped relationships. And when the relationship naturally takes that shape, it feels so much smoother to step into explicit dom/sub roles, rather than trying to maintain a semblance of power balance.
Another pattern I’ve experienced: rather than an inability to make decisions or stress making decisions, she wants to shut down her brain and let someone else handle everything. That’s the sort of thing Aella talks about in her “Good at Sex” series; it applies to the sexual trance state, but also some similar states outside the bedroom like e.g. following in a lot of dances. And on my side, that leaves me a lot of freedom to take things wherever I please; I can act relatively unconstrained. The upshot is similar: the relationship naturally falls into a dom/sub shape, and making it take some other shape feels psychologically forced and uncomfortable.