It’s pretty common for a male-female couple to be intellectually on board with the idea of splitting the work of parenting equally
Which implies that would be the one true thing to do. It sure is the thing society seems to tell everybody. I think it does serve as a kind of default solution or fairness standard. But each individual solution may differ a lot. 50⁄50 often just isn’t the most effective solution either. The ‘classical’ model of bread-winner and child-care-taker may still work well for some (and I have talked to couples where a woman is the bread-winner). A wide spectrum of models has become available and that comes with its own strengths and weaknesses. Mostly it means a lot of talking or negotiation.
As a specific example of a model that is neither classic nor 50⁄50 take our model: My now ex-wife and I split parenting time about 60⁄40 and parenting effort maybe 75⁄25. The kids stay a lot of time at my place these days but the youngest is 10 now and rules are more relaxed here. Remote work is really a big plus. It is great to stay in contact with them every day—even if they just drop by to say hello or wave at colleagues while I’m in a video call. The main effort of parenting is really with their mother: Taking care of homework, shuttling to courses, doctors appointments, and whatnot. A full-time mom who is also a qualified science teacher worked really well during lockdown. My kids benefited from it school-wise—and liked it much better. And it is efficient with four kids. I am super grateful for her work and I believe our parenting agreement is equitable.
Sorry, yes, I wasn’t trying to say that splitting things 50⁄50 is the only acceptable way to do things. I meant more like, there are a lot of people who, intellectually, want to be splitting things 50⁄50, but don’t end up doing anything close to that.
EDIT: rephrased the introduction to remove “on board”
Yeah, it is a complex topic. It is related to the general pattern that if one party has even slightly higher standards they can end up being responsible for it almost always. Simply because they start to reach their mental threshold before the other party does or by mechanisms of practicing it more and getting better at it. For example, cleaning the kitchen. I have no aversion to it and consider it relaxing to do but I’m also fine with more stuff lying around. But my ex-wife and also my oldest son prefer it more orderly. If we don’t come to some agreement you can guess what happens. It can easily feel unfair that they ‘have to’ do it always. And such things can evolve dynamically with a growing family or otherwise changing circumstances.
Which implies that would be the one true thing to do. It sure is the thing society seems to tell everybody. I think it does serve as a kind of default solution or fairness standard. But each individual solution may differ a lot. 50⁄50 often just isn’t the most effective solution either. The ‘classical’ model of bread-winner and child-care-taker may still work well for some (and I have talked to couples where a woman is the bread-winner). A wide spectrum of models has become available and that comes with its own strengths and weaknesses. Mostly it means a lot of talking or negotiation.
As a specific example of a model that is neither classic nor 50⁄50 take our model: My now ex-wife and I split parenting time about 60⁄40 and parenting effort maybe 75⁄25. The kids stay a lot of time at my place these days but the youngest is 10 now and rules are more relaxed here. Remote work is really a big plus. It is great to stay in contact with them every day—even if they just drop by to say hello or wave at colleagues while I’m in a video call. The main effort of parenting is really with their mother: Taking care of homework, shuttling to courses, doctors appointments, and whatnot. A full-time mom who is also a qualified science teacher worked really well during lockdown. My kids benefited from it school-wise—and liked it much better. And it is efficient with four kids. I am super grateful for her work and I believe our parenting agreement is equitable.
Another data point that I found interesting is The Couple That Pays Each Other to Put Kids to Bed.
Sorry, yes, I wasn’t trying to say that splitting things 50⁄50 is the only acceptable way to do things. I meant more like, there are a lot of people who, intellectually, want to be splitting things 50⁄50, but don’t end up doing anything close to that.
EDIT: rephrased the introduction to remove “on board”
Yeah, it is a complex topic. It is related to the general pattern that if one party has even slightly higher standards they can end up being responsible for it almost always. Simply because they start to reach their mental threshold before the other party does or by mechanisms of practicing it more and getting better at it. For example, cleaning the kitchen. I have no aversion to it and consider it relaxing to do but I’m also fine with more stuff lying around. But my ex-wife and also my oldest son prefer it more orderly. If we don’t come to some agreement you can guess what happens. It can easily feel unfair that they ‘have to’ do it always. And such things can evolve dynamically with a growing family or otherwise changing circumstances.