Have you considered the possibility that you are a psychopath?
I have considered that before, and pretty confident I’m not. I definitely wince when I see people in pain, I feel bad when I inconvenience other people, I empathize when people are going through something which seems emotionally difficult to me (though admittedly I often roll my eyes when I think others’ emotions are clearly overblown), etc.
Oh, interesting! Yeah, I guess all of these things are possible without feeling “love” as such. My everyday experience is not so different, I feel all the things you described but don’t often have strong feelings of love (but am interested in more).
I’m wondering what would happen if you tried to focus on and describe the physical sensations associated with these things you mentioned. You mentioned limerence earlier—I’m also interested in what that’s like, since I think it can be pretty phenomenologically similar to love.
Cuddling or cuddling-adjacent hugs/dances sometimes induce a feeling of peace and relaxation; physically my muscles relax and mentally my thoughts quiet and my attention is just on the contact. Depending on the context, it also sometimes come with an intention to wrap the other person up and keeping them safe so they can just relax and be at peace for a bit.
The physical sensation of seeing people in pain is a need to squirm; the corresponding part of my body tightens up and then moves around a bit with the muscles tight? Also wanting to look away.
Both when people are going through something emotionally difficult or when I inconvenience other people, I feel a sort of empathetic sadness. Like there’s a weight pulling down when I pay attention to them, if I’m being poetic about it.
Also when someone has very red eyes and I look them in the eyes, my eyes tear up in response. I’ve found that imagining someone with very red eyes is a reliable way to make myself cry. More generally, I tear up when I direct my attention at someone who’s crying, but it’s the eyes which have the strongest effect.
As for limerence… I’ve only felt the initial hook of limerence toward one person in over ten years, and I mentally shut it down for the most part before it could spiral out of control. Specifically, the limerence involved a strong feeling of excitement, in a way which clearly differed from realistic expectations, so I habitually responded by reciting more realistic expectations whenever it came up. The result is that the feeling of limerence still pokes me whenever that person is nearby, but I mostly don’t think about them otherwise. Physically, it’s similar to the feeling of anticipating a really fun event, though more nervousness mixed in, like I’m about to ride a roller coaster. Also a sensory pull toward the person, like most of my attention is directed at them.
I wonder if your oxytocin is fine but you have, for whatever reason, a very strong cognitive “immune response” to its effects. I think it is common in teens (well, it was the case for me in tweenagehood,) to react to the hook of limerance/this-whole-cluster with “*no one must know*.” Followed in my case by trying not to dwell on it. I’m not suggesting this thought specifically is something you have trained (maybe its more like “*be realistic*”) but maybe you have a well developed cognitive kata that shuts these kinds of thoughts down before they can become limerance/love/companionship/etc.
The limerence one is intentionally there because the emotion makes obviously false claims. If I have anything like that in place for companionship or love more generally, I don’t know about it, and I’d be pretty surprised if that were the case. I would expect such a thing to feel-from-the-inside like either an “ugh” field or an anxious/stressed feeling or some other unpleasant feeling making me avoid the thing, and I don’t have any of those around the sorts of situations which normally induce feelings of companionship/love/etc.
I have considered that before, and pretty confident I’m not. I definitely wince when I see people in pain, I feel bad when I inconvenience other people, I empathize when people are going through something which seems emotionally difficult to me (though admittedly I often roll my eyes when I think others’ emotions are clearly overblown), etc.
Oh, interesting! Yeah, I guess all of these things are possible without feeling “love” as such. My everyday experience is not so different, I feel all the things you described but don’t often have strong feelings of love (but am interested in more).
I’m wondering what would happen if you tried to focus on and describe the physical sensations associated with these things you mentioned. You mentioned limerence earlier—I’m also interested in what that’s like, since I think it can be pretty phenomenologically similar to love.
Good questions.
Cuddling or cuddling-adjacent hugs/dances sometimes induce a feeling of peace and relaxation; physically my muscles relax and mentally my thoughts quiet and my attention is just on the contact. Depending on the context, it also sometimes come with an intention to wrap the other person up and keeping them safe so they can just relax and be at peace for a bit.
The physical sensation of seeing people in pain is a need to squirm; the corresponding part of my body tightens up and then moves around a bit with the muscles tight? Also wanting to look away.
Both when people are going through something emotionally difficult or when I inconvenience other people, I feel a sort of empathetic sadness. Like there’s a weight pulling down when I pay attention to them, if I’m being poetic about it.
Also when someone has very red eyes and I look them in the eyes, my eyes tear up in response. I’ve found that imagining someone with very red eyes is a reliable way to make myself cry. More generally, I tear up when I direct my attention at someone who’s crying, but it’s the eyes which have the strongest effect.
As for limerence… I’ve only felt the initial hook of limerence toward one person in over ten years, and I mentally shut it down for the most part before it could spiral out of control. Specifically, the limerence involved a strong feeling of excitement, in a way which clearly differed from realistic expectations, so I habitually responded by reciting more realistic expectations whenever it came up. The result is that the feeling of limerence still pokes me whenever that person is nearby, but I mostly don’t think about them otherwise. Physically, it’s similar to the feeling of anticipating a really fun event, though more nervousness mixed in, like I’m about to ride a roller coaster. Also a sensory pull toward the person, like most of my attention is directed at them.
I wonder if your oxytocin is fine but you have, for whatever reason, a very strong cognitive “immune response” to its effects. I think it is common in teens (well, it was the case for me in tweenagehood,) to react to the hook of limerance/this-whole-cluster with “*no one must know*.” Followed in my case by trying not to dwell on it. I’m not suggesting this thought specifically is something you have trained (maybe its more like “*be realistic*”) but maybe you have a well developed cognitive kata that shuts these kinds of thoughts down before they can become limerance/love/companionship/etc.
The limerence one is intentionally there because the emotion makes obviously false claims. If I have anything like that in place for companionship or love more generally, I don’t know about it, and I’d be pretty surprised if that were the case. I would expect such a thing to feel-from-the-inside like either an “ugh” field or an anxious/stressed feeling or some other unpleasant feeling making me avoid the thing, and I don’t have any of those around the sorts of situations which normally induce feelings of companionship/love/etc.