I might elaborate on this more sometime, but I just want to note that the notion of heroic responsibility was immensely toxic to me in the context of a friendship where the other person was making credible threats of suicide and intensely guilt-tripping me about how it was my fault/responsibility if her life ended up ruined because I wasn’t doing enough to help her.
The only way to get out of that situation was to say that no, the buck doesn’t stop with me, it’s your job to fix your own life and I’ve already helped you plenty. (And staying in the situation wasn’t actually helping the other person, either.) I don’t know if an alternate version of me who had never heard of heroic responsibility would actually have managed to get out of that situation any faster, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if he would have.
I can certainly empathize with that, but is it still “heroic” responsibility if someone else tries to push it onto you? The situation you describe sounds like one of the friend exhibiting emotional blackmail or attention-seeking behavior.
“You could call it heroic responsibility, maybe,” Harry Potter said. “Not like the usual sort. It means that whatever happens, no matter what, it’s always your fault. Even if you tell Professor McGonagall, she’s not responsible for what happens, you are. Following the school rules isn’t an excuse, someone else being in charge isn’t an excuse, even trying your best isn’t an excuse. There just aren’t any excuses, you’ve got to get the job done no matter what.” Harry’s face tightened. “That’s why I say you’re not thinking responsibly, Hermione. Thinking that your job is done when you tell Professor McGonagall—that isn’t heroine thinking. Like Hannah being beat up is okay then, because it isn’t your fault anymore. Being a heroine means your job isn’t finished until you’ve done whatever it takes to protect the other girls, permanently.” In Harry’s voice was a touch of the steel he had acquired since the day Fawkes had been on his shoulder. “You can’t think as if just following the rules means you’ve done your duty.
It has a very strong emphasis on “whatever happens, no matter what, it’s always your fault” and a natural extension of what Harry was saying is “your friend being the one pushing this on you isn’t an excuse; if she dies due to your inaction, it’s your fault”.
The way I think about it is it’s based on what I care about. I am in fact unwilling to do certain things to save the life of someone who is threatening suicide and blaming me, because I care more about myself, and I am fundamentally okay with caring about myself in that way. If, say, my best friend made some stupid mistake that put her at risk of great harm, I would be doing the heroic responsibility thing because I care a lot about the outcome.
It’s fine to care about yourself! The principle of “I am obligated not to harm you, but not obligated to help you” is a fine one. The point of heroic responsibility is to see what I could do in cases where I do want to go all out to achieve some outcome.
I might elaborate on this more sometime, but I just want to note that the notion of heroic responsibility was immensely toxic to me in the context of a friendship where the other person was making credible threats of suicide and intensely guilt-tripping me about how it was my fault/responsibility if her life ended up ruined because I wasn’t doing enough to help her.
The only way to get out of that situation was to say that no, the buck doesn’t stop with me, it’s your job to fix your own life and I’ve already helped you plenty. (And staying in the situation wasn’t actually helping the other person, either.) I don’t know if an alternate version of me who had never heard of heroic responsibility would actually have managed to get out of that situation any faster, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if he would have.
I can certainly empathize with that, but is it still “heroic” responsibility if someone else tries to push it onto you? The situation you describe sounds like one of the friend exhibiting emotional blackmail or attention-seeking behavior.
The core idea as described by Harry in HPMOR was
It has a very strong emphasis on “whatever happens, no matter what, it’s always your fault” and a natural extension of what Harry was saying is “your friend being the one pushing this on you isn’t an excuse; if she dies due to your inaction, it’s your fault”.
The way I think about it is it’s based on what I care about. I am in fact unwilling to do certain things to save the life of someone who is threatening suicide and blaming me, because I care more about myself, and I am fundamentally okay with caring about myself in that way. If, say, my best friend made some stupid mistake that put her at risk of great harm, I would be doing the heroic responsibility thing because I care a lot about the outcome.
It’s fine to care about yourself! The principle of “I am obligated not to harm you, but not obligated to help you” is a fine one. The point of heroic responsibility is to see what I could do in cases where I do want to go all out to achieve some outcome.