Would you feel differently if it was actually the case that I was bad at understanding kids who are currently crying?
Yes, of course.
So the approach I’ve generally taken is to talk to kids and help them solve the problems they say they have. This generally seems to work pretty well?
This sounds good! However, another thing that matters is whether you give off a “you’re only allowed to give respectable reasons for your feelings” vibe.
Btw, I wanna say that I enjoy reading your parenting posts a lot.
Would you feel differently if it was actually the case that I was bad at understanding kids who are currently crying?
Yes, of course.
Not clear to me why we should think of these as different. We care about the effect on the kid, right? Since they could just as easily ended up talking to someone who wasn’t able to understand them through their crying. Is it more that if I were unable to understand them in this way that would be not ideal, but there are just lots of things about the world that aren’t ideal?
another thing that matters is whether you give off a “you’re only allowed to give respectable reasons for your feelings” vibe
I try not to give off that vibe, but I think in many ways just talking pushes people in that direction? If you have feelings and don’t really know why you have them, and you are asked for a reason, sometimes you’re going to supply a reason that feels like a thing even if it isn’t the root cause.
Btw, I wanna say that I enjoy reading your parenting posts a lot.
Not clear to me why we should think of these as different. We care about the effect on the kid, right?
I suppose that when I think about the situation when you only pretend not to understand them, I imagine something like a strict dad telling his son “Pull yourself together, you wimp!”. While if you actually don’t understand them, then I imagine a cooperative conversation between the two of you, where you not understanding them while they are crying is an obstacle both of you would like to overcome.
That makes sense. It’s a lot more like the latter: to the extent I’m capable, I’m imitating someone who really can’t understand crying kids and is trying their best to be helpful and sympathetic given that limitation.
Yes, of course.
This sounds good! However, another thing that matters is whether you give off a “you’re only allowed to give respectable reasons for your feelings” vibe.
Btw, I wanna say that I enjoy reading your parenting posts a lot.
Not clear to me why we should think of these as different. We care about the effect on the kid, right? Since they could just as easily ended up talking to someone who wasn’t able to understand them through their crying. Is it more that if I were unable to understand them in this way that would be not ideal, but there are just lots of things about the world that aren’t ideal?
I try not to give off that vibe, but I think in many ways just talking pushes people in that direction? If you have feelings and don’t really know why you have them, and you are asked for a reason, sometimes you’re going to supply a reason that feels like a thing even if it isn’t the root cause.
Thanks!
I suppose that when I think about the situation when you only pretend not to understand them, I imagine something like a strict dad telling his son “Pull yourself together, you wimp!”. While if you actually don’t understand them, then I imagine a cooperative conversation between the two of you, where you not understanding them while they are crying is an obstacle both of you would like to overcome.
That makes sense. It’s a lot more like the latter: to the extent I’m capable, I’m imitating someone who really can’t understand crying kids and is trying their best to be helpful and sympathetic given that limitation.
I am glad to hear that.