I remember a slightly similar incident from my own childhood. I was very upset and expressed my concerns, and it was explained to me why my concerns were wrong, and that the winning move was not to be upset any more. As far as the parents were concerned, problem solved. In fact I recall hearing my mother telling someone, many years later, about this as an example of her excellent parenting.
As far as I was concerned the problem was not solved and the message I received was that my concerns about [issue] were to be kept to myself in future and I was on my own in this and any similar matters. Combined with other traumatic events that happened the same year, this left a resudue that was with me for many years.
My question in this case is why does the child have a high degree of anxiety about not getting enough food? What is going on here? I mean, looking beneath the surface a bit...
Not sure if what I have in mind is the same, but I can think of scenarios where an explanation of how I’m wrong makes it feel like my concerns are being dismissed instead of being addressed. I’m guessing it’s because a child’s reasoning can seem illogical to an adult even though they actually make sense from the child’s perspective, and it’s upsetting when adults fail to acknowledge this.
Notice that jefftk is responding to the child from the child’s perspective. The child thinks that there’s not enough pasta, presumably because of what they can see from the serving bowl. jefftk shows the child the extra pasta in the kitchen (so the child can see that there’s actually more pasta), thus addressing the child’s concerns.
In contrast, one may answer from the adult’s perspective instead. For example, they may say that there’s enough because one serving of pasta is x grams and they made 10 servings when we have only 8 people. Or maybe they say that it’s made by grandma who has lots of experience in estimating how much everyone needs. These make sense from the adult’s perspective, but if the child doesn’t really understand or trust the reasoning (e.g. because they don’t have the concepts yet), then such explanations would feel more like dismissals of the child’s concerns.
Notice that jefftk is responding to the child from the child’s perspective.
Later on yes—perhaps—but not in real time. The question in my mind is why is the child so anxious about people taking their food and having enough food? Is this a thing that happens often? Is there a lack of security about getting enough food? Do adults behave in capricious ways that violate the child’s rights?
Explaining that there is actually enough food may actually miss the point. The point is that in the moment the child did not, for whatever reason, trust that they would have enough food. Why was that?
There is an analogy to my situation in that my problem is that I was very sad that my grandmother had died and it was explained that I was wrong to be sad because she was in heaven. Which my mother much later admitted she did not actually balieve. It was a lie to shut me down. And it was made clear that being sad or expressing sadness was not allowed.
Did they really address the child’s concerns—that someone can take their food and they will not have enough? What they did was showed that it was in the power of adults to get more food—not at all the same thing.
the message I received was that my concerns about [issue] were to be kept to myself in future
That is not a message I would want to send, and I don’t think it’s a message I sent here? I listened to their concerns, and then specifically addressed them, making sure to get buy-in before doing anything.
You have to realize that as a parent you deal with this situation on a daily basis: Kid is hungry, does something unreasonable, get’s upset about the resulting conflict.
You can’t do a psychological deep dive everytime. If this isn’t a recurring theme there very likely is nothing more to it than hunger+conflict=upset and calming the kid down is exactly the right thing to do.
In your case it seems to have been a recurring thing and as a parent you should catch that, but, in defense of your mother, she probably calmed you down a thousand other times without leaving any psychological scars (or even memories).
> You can’t do a psychological deep dive everytime.
True—but would be looking out for other signs that the child is anxious about getting enough food to see if this is a one-off or not. I am still interested in the question of why the child is so anxious about getting enough food that they created this scene. Something here does not add up.
> she probably calmed you down a thousand other times without leaving any psychological scars
Actually denying the existence of real problems was her modus operandi. For example, her solution to my anxiety about having my teeth drilled with a slow drill and no pain-killers was to tell me that the drilling did not hurt—a blatant lie.
I remember a slightly similar incident from my own childhood. I was very upset and expressed my concerns, and it was explained to me why my concerns were wrong, and that the winning move was not to be upset any more. As far as the parents were concerned, problem solved. In fact I recall hearing my mother telling someone, many years later, about this as an example of her excellent parenting.
As far as I was concerned the problem was not solved and the message I received was that my concerns about [issue] were to be kept to myself in future and I was on my own in this and any similar matters. Combined with other traumatic events that happened the same year, this left a resudue that was with me for many years.
My question in this case is why does the child have a high degree of anxiety about not getting enough food? What is going on here? I mean, looking beneath the surface a bit...
Not sure if what I have in mind is the same, but I can think of scenarios where an explanation of how I’m wrong makes it feel like my concerns are being dismissed instead of being addressed. I’m guessing it’s because a child’s reasoning can seem illogical to an adult even though they actually make sense from the child’s perspective, and it’s upsetting when adults fail to acknowledge this.
Notice that jefftk is responding to the child from the child’s perspective. The child thinks that there’s not enough pasta, presumably because of what they can see from the serving bowl. jefftk shows the child the extra pasta in the kitchen (so the child can see that there’s actually more pasta), thus addressing the child’s concerns.
In contrast, one may answer from the adult’s perspective instead. For example, they may say that there’s enough because one serving of pasta is x grams and they made 10 servings when we have only 8 people. Or maybe they say that it’s made by grandma who has lots of experience in estimating how much everyone needs. These make sense from the adult’s perspective, but if the child doesn’t really understand or trust the reasoning (e.g. because they don’t have the concepts yet), then such explanations would feel more like dismissals of the child’s concerns.
Later on yes—perhaps—but not in real time. The question in my mind is why is the child so anxious about people taking their food and having enough food? Is this a thing that happens often? Is there a lack of security about getting enough food? Do adults behave in capricious ways that violate the child’s rights?
Explaining that there is actually enough food may actually miss the point. The point is that in the moment the child did not, for whatever reason, trust that they would have enough food. Why was that?
There is an analogy to my situation in that my problem is that I was very sad that my grandmother had died and it was explained that I was wrong to be sad because she was in heaven. Which my mother much later admitted she did not actually balieve. It was a lie to shut me down. And it was made clear that being sad or expressing sadness was not allowed.
Did they really address the child’s concerns—that someone can take their food and they will not have enough? What they did was showed that it was in the power of adults to get more food—not at all the same thing.
That is not a message I would want to send, and I don’t think it’s a message I sent here? I listened to their concerns, and then specifically addressed them, making sure to get buy-in before doing anything.
You have to realize that as a parent you deal with this situation on a daily basis: Kid is hungry, does something unreasonable, get’s upset about the resulting conflict.
You can’t do a psychological deep dive everytime. If this isn’t a recurring theme there very likely is nothing more to it than hunger+conflict=upset and calming the kid down is exactly the right thing to do.
In your case it seems to have been a recurring thing and as a parent you should catch that, but, in defense of your mother, she probably calmed you down a thousand other times without leaving any psychological scars (or even memories).
> You have to realize that as a parent
I have been a parent for several decades.
> You can’t do a psychological deep dive everytime.
True—but would be looking out for other signs that the child is anxious about getting enough food to see if this is a one-off or not. I am still interested in the question of why the child is so anxious about getting enough food that they created this scene. Something here does not add up.
> she probably calmed you down a thousand other times without leaving any psychological scars
Actually denying the existence of real problems was her modus operandi. For example, her solution to my anxiety about having my teeth drilled with a slow drill and no pain-killers was to tell me that the drilling did not hurt—a blatant lie.