Reading this has made something click for me, I think.
The other day a friend of mine had what he felt was an extremely embarrassing moment—although really it was not nearly as bad as he felt like it was. I kind of had this blog series in mind when we were assuring him that it was fine, and it didn’t quite connect with him, and I knew it wouldn’t, but I also didn’t really know what to do so I felt kind of awkward even though I worried that feeling awkward would make things worse.
Part of it is that I was hiding information, in that I actually found the situation interesting and slightly fun but I didn’t feel secure in demonstrating that because I was afraid of standing out, failing the bid and making myself look like an asshole. But now I’m realising that going all-in on how I really felt and approaching it with a sense of playfulness would have both been more honest and probably would have defused the situation better.
I have frequently had the experience of wanting to console someone who is experiencing an emotional difficulty, but something about my attempt feels performative and effortful even though I do actually care. In hindsight I think that I am hiding some of my authentic experience because I feel like I’m supposed to Take Their Emotions Seriously, and that any positivity or playfulness would come across as being dismissive. I think I’m starting to understand where the disconnect is and how I could better handle these situations.
I have two different felt senses coming up reading this.
The first is “Ugh, I know that one”. Which is itself kinda interesting since I definitely naturally erred on the side of “Am I wrong?”, and bringing empathy into the mix is the easier part. But I think I know it from when I did pick my battles, and felt left out of interaction because I couldn’t take people as seriously as they take themselves and was unwilling to pretend. And I guess because sometimes I’m uncomfortable with their discomfort myself, like at first in the flight anxiety example.
“Looking like an asshole” definitely isn’t a fake risk especially in cultures that lack recognition of these dynamics, and there can be a substantial gap between good intent and recognition of good intent. Like, I present things in this sequence as “Know that your intent is good, and you’re fine, because you can demonstrate it”, and that’s not wrong… but that’s leaning on such a strict definition of “know”. You can be right, and for the right reasons, and they can be wrong, and predictably so, but it still takes nontrivial work to verify all this such that you have the security to not be shaken when people are genuinely upset with you for things you didn’t actually do wrong (I’ve definitely been there, but maybe not since I’ve had this explicit understanding). So it takes sensitivity to even quite subtle amounts of “Maybe I’m wrong, and an asshole?” sometimes to tone things down to what will go well.
The second part is that this is why I’m writing this stuff. I think there are a lot of times where people lack the understanding that it’s okay to be secure and to do secure things! So you could act secure, and people would gobble it up, and good things would happen, but there’s a sort of lacking social permission because there’s no cultural understanding that there really is such thing as a “good asshole” let alone how it works. Or even just the middle ground of listening without “Lol, that’s dumb” or “Oh you poor thing”, and purely trying to understand to high precision before offering any judgements.
So on the one hand, yeah, sometimes there’s a really large cultural and inferential gap, and just barging in with the sort of playfulness that feels authentic and right is overwhelmingly provocative, and so sometimes you have to temper that until you can do the prep work of figuring out exactly how much poking is okay. And on the other, often it’s really just a lot easier than you think, and you can just play right away, and there’s this really big and obvious appetite for such things that’s clear once you tap into it.
That makes sense—everything in context. I wouldn’t want to go around assuming that I can just tease anyone who is experiencing psychological distress, but I think I do have a sense of specific circumstances where it feels appropriate. And hey, I cannot remember the last time I looked like an asshole, so I’m probably overdue anyway.
Yeah, I’m definitely inclined to take your word for it. Your comment just helped me put a finger on something that could use more emphasis, which I think it a big part of the resistance people often have to these ideas.
Reading this has made something click for me, I think.
The other day a friend of mine had what he felt was an extremely embarrassing moment—although really it was not nearly as bad as he felt like it was. I kind of had this blog series in mind when we were assuring him that it was fine, and it didn’t quite connect with him, and I knew it wouldn’t, but I also didn’t really know what to do so I felt kind of awkward even though I worried that feeling awkward would make things worse.
Part of it is that I was hiding information, in that I actually found the situation interesting and slightly fun but I didn’t feel secure in demonstrating that because I was afraid of standing out, failing the bid and making myself look like an asshole. But now I’m realising that going all-in on how I really felt and approaching it with a sense of playfulness would have both been more honest and probably would have defused the situation better.
I have frequently had the experience of wanting to console someone who is experiencing an emotional difficulty, but something about my attempt feels performative and effortful even though I do actually care. In hindsight I think that I am hiding some of my authentic experience because I feel like I’m supposed to Take Their Emotions Seriously, and that any positivity or playfulness would come across as being dismissive. I think I’m starting to understand where the disconnect is and how I could better handle these situations.
:D nice!
I have two different felt senses coming up reading this.
The first is “Ugh, I know that one”. Which is itself kinda interesting since I definitely naturally erred on the side of “Am I wrong?”, and bringing empathy into the mix is the easier part. But I think I know it from when I did pick my battles, and felt left out of interaction because I couldn’t take people as seriously as they take themselves and was unwilling to pretend. And I guess because sometimes I’m uncomfortable with their discomfort myself, like at first in the flight anxiety example.
“Looking like an asshole” definitely isn’t a fake risk especially in cultures that lack recognition of these dynamics, and there can be a substantial gap between good intent and recognition of good intent. Like, I present things in this sequence as “Know that your intent is good, and you’re fine, because you can demonstrate it”, and that’s not wrong… but that’s leaning on such a strict definition of “know”. You can be right, and for the right reasons, and they can be wrong, and predictably so, but it still takes nontrivial work to verify all this such that you have the security to not be shaken when people are genuinely upset with you for things you didn’t actually do wrong (I’ve definitely been there, but maybe not since I’ve had this explicit understanding). So it takes sensitivity to even quite subtle amounts of “Maybe I’m wrong, and an asshole?” sometimes to tone things down to what will go well.
The second part is that this is why I’m writing this stuff. I think there are a lot of times where people lack the understanding that it’s okay to be secure and to do secure things! So you could act secure, and people would gobble it up, and good things would happen, but there’s a sort of lacking social permission because there’s no cultural understanding that there really is such thing as a “good asshole” let alone how it works. Or even just the middle ground of listening without “Lol, that’s dumb” or “Oh you poor thing”, and purely trying to understand to high precision before offering any judgements.
So on the one hand, yeah, sometimes there’s a really large cultural and inferential gap, and just barging in with the sort of playfulness that feels authentic and right is overwhelmingly provocative, and so sometimes you have to temper that until you can do the prep work of figuring out exactly how much poking is okay. And on the other, often it’s really just a lot easier than you think, and you can just play right away, and there’s this really big and obvious appetite for such things that’s clear once you tap into it.
That makes sense—everything in context. I wouldn’t want to go around assuming that I can just tease anyone who is experiencing psychological distress, but I think I do have a sense of specific circumstances where it feels appropriate. And hey, I cannot remember the last time I looked like an asshole, so I’m probably overdue anyway.
Yeah, I’m definitely inclined to take your word for it. Your comment just helped me put a finger on something that could use more emphasis, which I think it a big part of the resistance people often have to these ideas.