Been looking for this for a few moments. I don’t see much to expand on myself. I found out about LW when someone pointed me to the 1000-year old vampire post which I really liked.
And that’s almost enough for now. I tried using the search but I didn’t get the thing I wanted. All or fucking nothing I guess:
What’s the best way to ask a girl out?
“Best” means a lot of things that I’m naturally not aware of otherwise I wouldn’t be asking this :)
But true, I feel like there’s a lot of things to account for in “best” that I might not be realistically able to do in different situations.
If you’re asking why I’m asking this, it’s just because although I manage a conversation (I do have an almost severe aversion to inane conversations/topics so sometimes I really have nothing to say, and in the case I do I always think “this is stupid but.. fucking conversation”) at a level I consider okayish (could work on this too, but that’s an entirely different topic) I always feel like “now’s not the time”. Not sure why. Maybe I’m not getting the right signal or maybe I’m missing it, but I always have this feeling that even though I’d like to do it, I’d probably mess up. Instinctively (or in some cached way) I think I should lead the conversation there but.. well, this is dragging on. So guys (I guess girls too), what’s the best way to ask a girl out?
I’m guessing here, but it sounds like you have a very common problem, which people usually call “fear of rejection” but I think should be called “no plan for rejection”. We instinctively avoid situations we don’t feel able to handle, and in anyone able to think ahead, this includes situations that might lead into situations we don’t feel able to handle. And that can feel like now’s not the time.
A popular method for fixing this is The Rejection Game. Ask for something and get rejected, once per day, for a month. Your requests should be somewhat ridiculous, so you’ll get rejected even though you’re super polite and respectful. (Ask salespeople for discounts, for example.) After rejection, don’t give up immediately, but negotiate a bit—this gives you something to do and should get you rejected more firmly.
Also, it might help to pretend they’re boys.
Bonus prize: If you handle rejection really well, you get additional attempts later. Magic!
What makes you draw a line between what I’ve said to a fear of rejection? I have a philosophy of always trying to stretch my limits but I know the difference between reckless foolishness and planning ahead. The main plan is to do it. The smaller details are basically the steps. I’ve been rejected a position I’d really have liked to have today. I’ll try to negotiate next time (not on the dates I guess cause that really feels like I’m kissing her ass) I do need something though. Also great in case the person rejected me for some devious reason. (I’m looking for a another job now. No reason to dwell on a no.)
But here’s another question in addition to the line-drawing one: Assuming I get this rejection thing done and I’m not fearful or rejections, how does that one-up my chances? How much am I going to get other than the bonus prize?
It also seems this rejection thing is heading towards quantity and not quality. Also, it sounds like the thing being rejected doesn’t seem to haave much weight. You’d definitely feel worse if you’ve been rejected something that’s important to you. Naturally, that’s no reason to dwell too much on it, but sometimes I honestly wonder if I did a few things better, would I have a better outcome?
EDIT: Also I’m going to try this rejection thing for the laughs of it. Let’s see how funny it can get.
The quality of your query isn’t entirely unimportant—you can lose a chance with poor quality—but the person asked will usually have lots of other reasons that play into their decision, and most of them you’ll never know. In the absence of this information, what you have is an opinion on the quality of your request, so naturally that’s what you focus on to optimize; but that doesn’t mean this is the decisive variable in the average case.
Assuming I get this rejection thing done and I’m not fearful or rejections, how does that one-up my chances?
It makes it easier to actually try. As long as you still feel “now’s not the time”, worrying about the quality of what you’d say if you actually did is not an efficient use of your attention.
You’re right, the rejection game is about quantity not quality, and that’s because people have found quantity makes more of a difference.
Aside from other problems—like your apparent inability to write grammatically—a general solution is impossible by Turing’s Halting Problem Theorem. It’s exactly the same proof.
I say your English is the one lacking here as many people understand what I say, both in text and speech.
But if I include the middle, I say my English is Internet English based on Video Game English. I learned it on my own by stringing together text from video games to the image or analyzing the text when there wasn’t anything graphical to compare it to. I’m still not sure how I learned my English, but that seems like the best explanation I can think of. That’s my reasonable explanation as to why I’m supposedly unable to write gramatically.
Been looking for this for a few moments. I don’t see much to expand on myself. I found out about LW when someone pointed me to the 1000-year old vampire post which I really liked.
And that’s almost enough for now. I tried using the search but I didn’t get the thing I wanted. All or fucking nothing I guess: What’s the best way to ask a girl out?
“Best” means a lot of things that I’m naturally not aware of otherwise I wouldn’t be asking this :) But true, I feel like there’s a lot of things to account for in “best” that I might not be realistically able to do in different situations.
If you’re asking why I’m asking this, it’s just because although I manage a conversation (I do have an almost severe aversion to inane conversations/topics so sometimes I really have nothing to say, and in the case I do I always think “this is stupid but.. fucking conversation”) at a level I consider okayish (could work on this too, but that’s an entirely different topic) I always feel like “now’s not the time”. Not sure why. Maybe I’m not getting the right signal or maybe I’m missing it, but I always have this feeling that even though I’d like to do it, I’d probably mess up. Instinctively (or in some cached way) I think I should lead the conversation there but.. well, this is dragging on. So guys (I guess girls too), what’s the best way to ask a girl out?
I’m guessing here, but it sounds like you have a very common problem, which people usually call “fear of rejection” but I think should be called “no plan for rejection”. We instinctively avoid situations we don’t feel able to handle, and in anyone able to think ahead, this includes situations that might lead into situations we don’t feel able to handle. And that can feel like now’s not the time.
A popular method for fixing this is The Rejection Game. Ask for something and get rejected, once per day, for a month. Your requests should be somewhat ridiculous, so you’ll get rejected even though you’re super polite and respectful. (Ask salespeople for discounts, for example.) After rejection, don’t give up immediately, but negotiate a bit—this gives you something to do and should get you rejected more firmly.
Also, it might help to pretend they’re boys.
Bonus prize: If you handle rejection really well, you get additional attempts later. Magic!
What makes you draw a line between what I’ve said to a fear of rejection? I have a philosophy of always trying to stretch my limits but I know the difference between reckless foolishness and planning ahead. The main plan is to do it. The smaller details are basically the steps. I’ve been rejected a position I’d really have liked to have today. I’ll try to negotiate next time (not on the dates I guess cause that really feels like I’m kissing her ass) I do need something though. Also great in case the person rejected me for some devious reason. (I’m looking for a another job now. No reason to dwell on a no.)
But here’s another question in addition to the line-drawing one: Assuming I get this rejection thing done and I’m not fearful or rejections, how does that one-up my chances? How much am I going to get other than the bonus prize?
It also seems this rejection thing is heading towards quantity and not quality. Also, it sounds like the thing being rejected doesn’t seem to haave much weight. You’d definitely feel worse if you’ve been rejected something that’s important to you. Naturally, that’s no reason to dwell too much on it, but sometimes I honestly wonder if I did a few things better, would I have a better outcome?
EDIT: Also I’m going to try this rejection thing for the laughs of it. Let’s see how funny it can get.
The quality of your query isn’t entirely unimportant—you can lose a chance with poor quality—but the person asked will usually have lots of other reasons that play into their decision, and most of them you’ll never know. In the absence of this information, what you have is an opinion on the quality of your request, so naturally that’s what you focus on to optimize; but that doesn’t mean this is the decisive variable in the average case.
It makes it easier to actually try. As long as you still feel “now’s not the time”, worrying about the quality of what you’d say if you actually did is not an efficient use of your attention.
You’re right, the rejection game is about quantity not quality, and that’s because people have found quantity makes more of a difference.
You’re saying that I’m dwelling too much on avoiding rejection even though I’m thinking I’m optimizing my chances, right?
Oh fucking hell. Maybe I did miss a few chances now that I think about it.
Do you have a girl in mind or do you mean generally speaking?
A specific one in mind? I actually have a few girls I’d like to ask out.
But I’d suppose a general solution would probably have a better a specifically optimized one.
I’d like to be greedy and ask for both, as I assume the answer will be different depending on how I answer. So “yes” and “no”. :)
Aside from other problems—like your apparent inability to write grammatically—a general solution is impossible by Turing’s Halting Problem Theorem. It’s exactly the same proof.
I say your English is the one lacking here as many people understand what I say, both in text and speech.
But if I include the middle, I say my English is Internet English based on Video Game English. I learned it on my own by stringing together text from video games to the image or analyzing the text when there wasn’t anything graphical to compare it to. I’m still not sure how I learned my English, but that seems like the best explanation I can think of. That’s my reasonable explanation as to why I’m supposedly unable to write gramatically.