Is this how I choose to show up?

Origi­nal post: http://​bear­​is-this-how-i-choose-to-show-up/​

Is this how I choose to show up? No.

I’m ex­hausted. I’m just try­ing to sur­vive here and to­day I did that. Not ev­ery to­day. But I did this to­day. Yes.

Is this how I choose to show up? No.

I’m do­ing bet­ter than sur­viv­ing but am I a good per­son? Did I do the right thing? Will I be go­ing to heaven or hell for this. Is this how I choose to show up? Yes. I did the right thing. If I sur­vive or not, I know I did the right thing.

Is this how I choose to show up? No.

I’ve al­igned my­self to the right peo­ple. If I fol­low them, then I know I’m a good per­son. They can help me sur­vive. But are they the right peo­ple? How would I know? Yes. This is right. The gods are with us. And even if they aren’t, they can’t hate me for be­ing on the side of the right peo­ple. The gods might smite us for be­ing wrong. The gods might be on our side. I might sur­vive be­ing on this side, I might not. Yes. This is right.

Is this how I choose to show up? No.

I’m work­ing in a team. We are build­ing some­thing for all of us. We are or­dered and struc­tured, that’s part of why the world is safe, be­cause of our or­der. I don’t know if it’s the right peo­ple but at least we are work­ing to­gether. And hey – it’s a job, it’s worth it to do good work. It’s pay. It’s enough to sur­vive. But is it enough for me? Am I get­ting what I want? Maybe if I knew bet­ter. The sci­ence, the tests to run I could get this team work­ing bet­ter. How do I do that? Yes. It’s okay, I’ve got this how I am. I might not sur­vive but at least I’m part of this big idea, and through this big idea I sur­vive. It’s not that the gods might smite us, we are the gods now. We make the ideas. We live or die by the ideas we make and if they sur­vive the long haul. It’s us against the gods of time. And of course the other peo­ple’s big ideas. Maybe our idea beats their idea by sheer will of struc­ture, and I have all the right peo­ple with me, and even if I didn’t, that’s okay too I guess. Maybe we aren’t right, and I’m okay with that too, as long as we try. In the true arena of ideas, the best ideas win. Yes.

Is this how I choose to show up? No.

I’m run­ning the tests. I’m get­ting that recog­ni­tion for be­ing right in the ways I’m right. In all the ways I know, I know that I’m do­ing well. All that un­known, it’s not safe, but I’m com­ing to con­quer it. I have my team, but I don’t need them, they fol­low me be­cause I’m right. I’m al­igned with the right per­son, be­cause the right per­son is me, and with god as my wit­ness I will make it. But am I do­ing enough for ev­ery­one else too? Yes. I am do­ing my best.

I’m here to sur­vive. Cap­i­tal­ism is key. It’s a sys­tem and I’m mak­ing my sys­tem to win. The gods of old are no match for the gods of the seed of pure cor­po­rate power. My cor­po­rate gods bat­tling out in the free mar­ket against the other cor­po­rate gods for our sur­vival. It’s me against na­ture, but it’s not just mother na­ture any more, the for­est lands are long gone. She was soft, but hu­man na­ture. That’s the bat­tle. It needs shap­ing, it needs guid­ing, it needs ad­ver­tis­ing and con­vinc­ing. That’s how we get them. One group at a time. May the best hu­man win. As long as they have those close to them. That’s the seat of my power. The peo­ple around me. And the peo­ple around them. And the peo­ple who are here to build some­thing, build some­thing that mat­ters to us. And make our­selves rich in the pro­cess. Yes. This is how I show up.

Is this how I choose to show up? No.

I’m con­sult­ing, I’m con­nected, I’m em­pathic and un­der­stand­ing. I’m listen­ing like never be­fore. I re­fuse to fall for the mis­takes of the past. It’s not just about know­ing the truth, it’s about shar­ing the truth. When we share our truth, our ideas, our sci­ence, The things we build to­gether. That’s how we grow to­gether. Ever up­wards. As a com­mu­nity we can reach the top. The place of leg­ends. We can get our­selves back there, to the place of leg­ends. We too can be in tune with our na­ture and find new whole­ness of be­ing.

We have to defend our truth against those who are greedy. The world was not meant to be taken from the many by the few. We need to purge the poi­son from our midst. We do that to­gether. Big struc­ture is our en­emy. We need the right amount of an­ar­chy to fix this. It takes a bit of ter­ror to break a bro­ken sys­tem. Work­ing to­gether as small col­lec­tive, we can rise up against the gods of op­pres­sion, Moloch and the tragedy of the com­mons. To­gether we make the world a bet­ter place. For not just me and you, but ev­ery­one who ever is or was op­pressed. We can make the world they died for. Yes. This is how I choose to show up.

Is this how I choose to show up? No.

It’s not enough. I look at my­self and ev­ery­where I’ve passed through and it’s not enough. I can’t just sur­vive, I need more than that to make pur­pose. I can’t just wor­ship a benev­olent god. If the gods are benev­olent they are ir­rele­vant, and in that ir­rele­vance, they made their own noose. The gods have to be here with me or they don’t de­serve to be here. I can’t just fol­low the peo­ple who I think are right. I’ve fol­lowed enough wrong peo­ple to know. Peo­ple aren’t just right on their own, peo­ple are right by hav­ing the right ideas. And the right ideas only come from col­lab­o­ra­tion. From work­ing to­gether. But that’s not enough ei­ther. Work­ing to­gether breeds cor­rup­tion, bro­ken sys­tems. I have to wor­ship sci­ence, ra­tio­nal­ism, the free mar­ket. Do­ing my own ex­per­i­ments. Lead­ing my own path. But that’s not enough. The free mar­ket sold out the en­vi­ron­ment. My sci­ence de­luded me, repli­ca­tion crisis and ter­rible statis­tics. What if I de­lude ev­ery­one? I can run more tests but no mat­ter how many tests I run, I can never elimi­nate the hu­man fac­tor. The hu­man fac­tor seems to be the cause and solu­tion to all our prob­lems. If only there were a way to fully em­body all that it is to be the hu­man fac­tor and know what it is to be hu­man and still grow. No. It’s hideous. The na­ture of hu­mans is all this. At all lev­els. And so I ask my­self, to­day. Is this how I choose to show up? Yes.

I sur­vive. Not by wor­ship­ping the gods, but by be­com­ing them. I lead the peo­ple. Not on my own, but with my ideas, by fully em­body­ing my ideas, I be­come my ideas, my gods. By col­lab­o­rat­ing with my col­lec­tive. And it’s not just my ideas, it’s the sci­en­tific and ra­tio­nal truth. We stand on the shoulders of gi­ants to look for­ward. And it’s not just the truth, it’s the truth for ev­ery­one. And by liv­ing and breath­ing the truth for ev­ery­one, com­fortable, un­com­fortable truth.

I can step out of my hu­man na­ture and see, for the first time, clearly, where I came from. And where I am go­ing. I can see how all the parts of me, en­gage with all the parts of you, and we, and us.

I live and em­body the ques­tion, “is this how I choose to show up?”. This is how I choose to show up. In the ques­tion, the para­graph, in the page, in the won­der, in the be­ing ever for­ward fac­ing. Yes. THIS IS where I am. Yes THIS IS where I came from. And yes. I’m not done. Yes. This is how I choose to show up.

Is this how I choose to show up? Yes. No. Not in the an­swer, but in the ques­tion, “is this how I choose to show up?”

Pic­ture from the new Spiral Dy­nam­ics In ac­tion book.

Thanks for read­ing. If this post is cryp­tic, its be­cause I’ve picked up the de­vel­op­men­tal psy­chol­ogy model of spiral dy­nam­ics and it’s still grow­ing on me.

“is this how I choose to show up?” falls into the cat­e­gory of some­thing of a mantra. Also the phrase falls into the cat­e­gory of strange es­o­teric knowl­edge that came to me while med­i­tat­ing.

For those in­ter­ested in chakras, the phrase has an al­ign­ment to the chakra sys­tem that just so hap­pens to be beau­tiful. It also has an al­ign­ment to [Past|Pre­sent|Fu­ture], so it be­comes a par­tic­u­larly ori­ent­ing phrase. (“is this” – past, “How I choose” – pre­sent, “To show up?” – fu­ture)

I’m ask­ing my­self this ques­tion, and when I find the an­swer, I ask my­self again.