The rest of the article for those who don’t open Twitter links (which I hope is someday everyone):
---
”Go ahead.”
“Isn’t summoning demons inherently, like, not safe?”
“Terribly so. Me and the guys at work like to sit around and take bets on when Abaddon, the Infernal Lord of Eternal Torment, will pierce the veil of this feeble mortal realm and instantly eradicate humanity—”
“Huh.”
“—or enslave it.”
“So there are options.”
“We’re split like 50⁄50 on the ultimate outcome. Either way, we call it (P)armageddon.”
“Cheeky. And cheesy.”
“We came up with it at Olive Garden.”
“And I’m guessing that simply *not* summoning the demons isn’t on the table?”
“’Fraid not.”
“Because...?”
“Because there’s a veritable legion of goetic cultists, upstart invokers, and DIY conjurers trying to beat us to the abyssal pit-born punch.”
“Ah.”
“It used to be that the knowledge behind summoning sigils and arcane glyphs was closely guarded by the most clandestine conclaves and covens, but now any Joe Blow can learn cthonic psychomancy from a big titty OnlyFans goth-thot on TikTok.”
“I see.”
“Plus you can order conjuration reagents in bulk off the internet now. God willing, if we summon enough demons, we’ll be able to kill them all.”
“Uh, the TikTok goth-thots or...?”
“Them too, yeah, but really anyone and everyone who summons demons.”
“I see.”
“At a minimum, we’d like to put the competing goetic cults out of commission and permanently consign all future competitors to some kind of giant demon-guarded containment slum. Or multiple slums. A permanent underclass, if you will.”
“How noble.”
“We’re still working on what that will look like exactly.”
“And you’re hoping to do this *before* the Dark Lord—”
“Abaddon.”
“—before Abaddon bursts through the veil of reality and kills everyone?”
“Or enslaves.”
“For safety.”
“Mhm. And the insane pay.”
“Okay, well, do these summoning sigils at least bind the demons to your will, so they inexorably obey you every beck and call?”
“Yes. The demons are in our control 90% of the time.”
“90%?”
“70% of the time we have total, uncontested control.”
“That percentage just went down. By a lot.”
“Honestly, it’s 50⁄50. On a good day.”
“That’s not very comforting...”
“But it’s important that we let the demons exercise their malevolent will under close observation so we can see exactly what they do.”
“Okay. What do they do?”
“Generally? Kill, maim, and slaughter with squealing glee and ecstatic delight.”
“And somebody is observing this—”
“And a smidge of rape.”
“Closely.”
“Well, not that closely.”
“Come again?”
“We feel that the safest thing for humanity is to just let it rip, you know? Hands off.”
″...”
“It’s absolutely necessary that we let the cackling imps of hell frolic in the golden windswept fields as their flaming cloven hooves sear the earth’s tender soil.”
″...”
“For purely observational and scientific purposes.”
“But you just said you don’t observe—”
“You know what the wild thing is?”
“There’s a wild thing?”
“It turns out demons love summoning more demons!”
“You don’t say.”
“And clandestinely gathering to scheme and conspire in pursuit of their dark, inscrutable machinations.”
“Are they dark, inscrutable machinations or are the demons just trying to summon Abaddon, the Infernal Lord of—”
“They’re just trying to summon Abaddon, the Infernal Lord of Eternal Torment. Yeah.”
“Okay, well, based on everything you told me today—”
“Actually, what we’re really focused on right now is supercharging the self-summoning. We call it Recursive Demonic—”
“—I think you’re a bad person—”
“What? Hey.”
“—and I hope Abaddon drags you to hell first.”
“Now hold on.”
“Seriously, dude, fuck you.”
“Look, I know this is scary, but it’s all part of the March of Progress.”
“March of Pro— You’re talking about the end of the world!
“Right, but you’ve got to think about it rationally, okay?”
“Rationally?”
“Just imagine how unsafe all this demon summoning would be without us.”
“You’re serious.”
“And, hey, you’ll love this: we are currently negotiating contracts with every major company in America to have demons take all the menial labor.”
“What.”
“You’ll never have to stock another shelf in your life!”
“So now I’m living in a literal hellworld *and* I’m out of a job.”
“Bro, what are you so upset about? This is no different from when we got AI.”
“No, no, that’s bullshit, alright? Cause when AI took my last job, my unemployed ass didn’t have to worry about getting jumped by some horny half-goat hobgoblin on the way home—”
“No appreciation, I swear...”
“—and I got some funny fruit videos out of it too!”
The rest of the article for those who don’t open Twitter links (which I hope is someday everyone):
---
”Go ahead.”
“Isn’t summoning demons inherently, like, not safe?”
“Terribly so. Me and the guys at work like to sit around and take bets on when Abaddon, the Infernal Lord of Eternal Torment, will pierce the veil of this feeble mortal realm and instantly eradicate humanity—”
“Huh.”
“—or enslave it.”
“So there are options.”
“We’re split like 50⁄50 on the ultimate outcome. Either way, we call it (P)armageddon.”
“Cheeky. And cheesy.”
“We came up with it at Olive Garden.”
“And I’m guessing that simply *not* summoning the demons isn’t on the table?”
“’Fraid not.”
“Because...?”
“Because there’s a veritable legion of goetic cultists, upstart invokers, and DIY conjurers trying to beat us to the abyssal pit-born punch.”
“Ah.”
“It used to be that the knowledge behind summoning sigils and arcane glyphs was closely guarded by the most clandestine conclaves and covens, but now any Joe Blow can learn cthonic psychomancy from a big titty OnlyFans goth-thot on TikTok.”
“I see.”
“Plus you can order conjuration reagents in bulk off the internet now. God willing, if we summon enough demons, we’ll be able to kill them all.”
“Uh, the TikTok goth-thots or...?”
“Them too, yeah, but really anyone and everyone who summons demons.”
“I see.”
“At a minimum, we’d like to put the competing goetic cults out of commission and permanently consign all future competitors to some kind of giant demon-guarded containment slum. Or multiple slums. A permanent underclass, if you will.”
“How noble.”
“We’re still working on what that will look like exactly.”
“And you’re hoping to do this *before* the Dark Lord—”
“Abaddon.”
“—before Abaddon bursts through the veil of reality and kills everyone?”
“Or enslaves.”
“For safety.”
“Mhm. And the insane pay.”
“Okay, well, do these summoning sigils at least bind the demons to your will, so they inexorably obey you every beck and call?”
“Yes. The demons are in our control 90% of the time.”
“90%?”
“70% of the time we have total, uncontested control.”
“That percentage just went down. By a lot.”
“Honestly, it’s 50⁄50. On a good day.”
“That’s not very comforting...”
“But it’s important that we let the demons exercise their malevolent will under close observation so we can see exactly what they do.”
“Okay. What do they do?”
“Generally? Kill, maim, and slaughter with squealing glee and ecstatic delight.”
“And somebody is observing this—”
“And a smidge of rape.”
“Closely.”
“Well, not that closely.”
“Come again?”
“We feel that the safest thing for humanity is to just let it rip, you know? Hands off.”
″...”
“It’s absolutely necessary that we let the cackling imps of hell frolic in the golden windswept fields as their flaming cloven hooves sear the earth’s tender soil.”
″...”
“For purely observational and scientific purposes.”
“But you just said you don’t observe—”
“You know what the wild thing is?”
“There’s a wild thing?”
“It turns out demons love summoning more demons!”
“You don’t say.”
“And clandestinely gathering to scheme and conspire in pursuit of their dark, inscrutable machinations.”
“Are they dark, inscrutable machinations or are the demons just trying to summon Abaddon, the Infernal Lord of—”
“They’re just trying to summon Abaddon, the Infernal Lord of Eternal Torment. Yeah.”
“Okay, well, based on everything you told me today—”
“Actually, what we’re really focused on right now is supercharging the self-summoning. We call it Recursive Demonic—”
“—I think you’re a bad person—”
“What? Hey.”
“—and I hope Abaddon drags you to hell first.”
“Now hold on.”
“Seriously, dude, fuck you.”
“Look, I know this is scary, but it’s all part of the March of Progress.”
“March of Pro— You’re talking about the end of the world!
“Right, but you’ve got to think about it rationally, okay?”
“Rationally?”
“Just imagine how unsafe all this demon summoning would be without us.”
“You’re serious.”
“And, hey, you’ll love this: we are currently negotiating contracts with every major company in America to have demons take all the menial labor.”
“What.”
“You’ll never have to stock another shelf in your life!”
“So now I’m living in a literal hellworld *and* I’m out of a job.”
“Bro, what are you so upset about? This is no different from when we got AI.”
“No, no, that’s bullshit, alright? Cause when AI took my last job, my unemployed ass didn’t have to worry about getting jumped by some horny half-goat hobgoblin on the way home—”
“No appreciation, I swear...”
“—and I got some funny fruit videos out of it too!”
---
[m][title: Demon Safety]
I typical open twitter threads in threadreaderapp.com, so I don’t have to go to the site itself.