I feel like the entire framing here is the problem. You cannot see “The Thing” because you are looking at it from a perspective where The Thing isn’t apparent.
What is The Thing? It is having a partnership that you are both committed to. At its best this partnership becomes an aspect of your self, and your partner. The frame to see this in is that the partnership is an entity in its own right and is a part of the “I” that each partner identifies with. In this frame the question “what am I getting out of this relationship” is no longer entirely focussed on the individual “I” but also on the partnership “I”. When you frame the question in terms of what the individual “I” gets out of it then you are entirely missing the point and are unable to see the real value proposition.
If we dip our toe back into the individualistic frame: you could describe the value of relationships being in the partial dissolution of self in the partnership, which not only feels amazing but also gives a deeper level of meaning to your life.
Yeah… My current best guess is that you’re right that I wasn’t seeing The Thing, but not because of looking at it from a perspective where The Thing isn’t apparent. From this thread:
I don’t think I’ve ever felt that thing. My new working hypothesis is that I have near-zero oxytocin production, and have literally never felt this whole cluster of emotions around “connection”, non-limerence-”love”, or any of the weaker forms of it either. That would explain a lot.
You say that partial dissolution of self in the partnership feels amazing, and uh… I haven’t felt that, even in circumstances where it clearly would have triggered for most other people. I also haven’t felt a bunch of adjacent or milder versions of the same thing, including toward my family growing up (despite generally being a loving and supportive and healthy family).
I feel like the entire framing here is the problem. You cannot see “The Thing” because you are looking at it from a perspective where The Thing isn’t apparent.
What is The Thing? It is having a partnership that you are both committed to. At its best this partnership becomes an aspect of your self, and your partner. The frame to see this in is that the partnership is an entity in its own right and is a part of the “I” that each partner identifies with. In this frame the question “what am I getting out of this relationship” is no longer entirely focussed on the individual “I” but also on the partnership “I”. When you frame the question in terms of what the individual “I” gets out of it then you are entirely missing the point and are unable to see the real value proposition.
If we dip our toe back into the individualistic frame: you could describe the value of relationships being in the partial dissolution of self in the partnership, which not only feels amazing but also gives a deeper level of meaning to your life.
Yeah… My current best guess is that you’re right that I wasn’t seeing The Thing, but not because of looking at it from a perspective where The Thing isn’t apparent. From this thread:
You say that partial dissolution of self in the partnership feels amazing, and uh… I haven’t felt that, even in circumstances where it clearly would have triggered for most other people. I also haven’t felt a bunch of adjacent or milder versions of the same thing, including toward my family growing up (despite generally being a loving and supportive and healthy family).