My personal metric has been that it’s reasonable to feel sad when there’s a specific event (as opposed to a circumstance) to be sad about (death of someone close to me, breakup of a relationship, loss of a job.)
But whether or not you “should” feel sad, professionals can help.
Also, it’s scary.
The voice that is telling you that awful things are loitering just outside the edge of your awareness, I call The Jerkbrain.
I can self-report that directly and emphatically addressing it as such (usually “shut up, Jerkbrain!”) has had helpful effects including:
increased aptitude for dealing with problems in the physical world
much less energy wasted dealing with problems that exist only in distant possibility (and maybe not even there.)
I am not my jerkbrain, and you are not yours, either.
I guess it would be helpful to have a “normal” range of time in which it’s reasonable to feel sad or weird after a death, break-up, etc. Sometimes, it feels like they all pile up.
If it’s been more than a year, and it’s disruptive to your daily life (trouble enjoying pleasant things, pervasive thoughts, crying spells, difficulty functioning at work, difficulty connecting with new partners, etc.), it’s probably worth seeking help.
Heck, if it’s been more than 3 months, you’ll probably benefit from help.
If you have friends you trust, asking them is probably best, since they’ll know how important that particular person was to you.
If you feel like it’s “all piling up”, that’s a sign that you’re dealing with more than you know how to cope with. That’s exactly when getting someone else to help can be most useful.
Now I just need to convince myself to take my own advice here :(
I think this might be a very helpful piece of advice for non-depressed people. Locating self-defeating thoughts and behaviours “outside” yourself and telling them to take a running jump is a great technique.
If you find this list describes you well some fair portion of the time (say, more than 20%, though even that sounds like a lot given what I know about people who don’t have chronic depression), that’s probably a start.
As to it being scary—yeah, it is. One really important thing to do ahead of time if you decide to seek help is figure out how to make a safe exit if you’re uncomfortable, or don’t want to continue with a specific provider. Some people find that easy; others find it challenging. Not sure which you are, or how much trouble you have asserting your own boundaries, but it’s a very useful skill.
One practical matter of safety here: if you want to walk away from someone and you’re worried they might escalate, know that in most cases they can only act without your consent if they believe you pose some specific danger to yourself or others. Think about what you’re going through that might be interpreted that way, and be careful before sharing anything like that if you think you might want to stop seeing that provider.
figure out how to make a safe exit if you’re uncomfortable, or don’t want to continue with a specific provider.
Yes. The first therapist I saw was so bad that I called him to cancel after the first visit (though I still didn’t have the guts to say it in person). Keep in mind that this is always an option. “I don’t think this is a good fit” is a totally acceptable thing to say to a therapist or doctor.
Wow, a lot of things on that list describe me. I’m not even feeling that unhappy… I thought it was just low self-confidence plus some nasty ugh-fields.
I think a functional definition is best. Do your negative thoughts (sadness, depression, anxiety, or suchlike) interfere with your ability to live your life (hold a job, attend social events, etc)? Then talking to a therapist may be helpful.
You wouldn’t be ashamed to visit a doctor for advice on how to deal with a nagging cough—emotions that impose a similar level of difficulty can be improved with expert attention.
I seriously don’t understand this. E.g. in post-Soviet Eastern Europe lot, really a lot of people go through life functionally in the sense of being able to hold down a job, stay in a marriage, raise kids, while being wholly joyless / anhedonic and just doing it from a sense of duty. And coping via drinking etc.
Are you talking from the viewpoint of a culture where people refuse to do things they don’t enjoy and thus their anhedonia becomes visibly dysfunctional?
For example, social events aren’t “mandatory” in the sense job/family are (in the sense of your parents probably did not drill it into you that you must do these to be allowed to not feel worthless about yourself), they are mostly for fun, so it is difficult to say what it does with functionality if we do not link functionality with joy. Again the people I am talking aboud do not attend to social events, if getting shitface drunk with the neighbor does not count as one.
At any rate I do not yet see a culture-neutral link between anhedonia and dysfunctionality, it seems they are only strongly linked if people define functionality itself as an enjoyable, autonomous life, but when people think they were born to fulfill certain mandatory roles and tasks, they can go through it efficiently while still feeling totally empty inside.
How do I know when I shouldn’t feel sad? Also, it’s scary. :(
The parent post shouldn’t have made you sad.
My personal metric has been that it’s reasonable to feel sad when there’s a specific event (as opposed to a circumstance) to be sad about (death of someone close to me, breakup of a relationship, loss of a job.)
But whether or not you “should” feel sad, professionals can help.
The voice that is telling you that awful things are loitering just outside the edge of your awareness, I call The Jerkbrain.
I can self-report that directly and emphatically addressing it as such (usually “shut up, Jerkbrain!”) has had helpful effects including:
increased aptitude for dealing with problems in the physical world
much less energy wasted dealing with problems that exist only in distant possibility (and maybe not even there.)
I am not my jerkbrain, and you are not yours, either.
I guess it would be helpful to have a “normal” range of time in which it’s reasonable to feel sad or weird after a death, break-up, etc. Sometimes, it feels like they all pile up.
If it’s been more than a year, and it’s disruptive to your daily life (trouble enjoying pleasant things, pervasive thoughts, crying spells, difficulty functioning at work, difficulty connecting with new partners, etc.), it’s probably worth seeking help.
Heck, if it’s been more than 3 months, you’ll probably benefit from help.
If you have friends you trust, asking them is probably best, since they’ll know how important that particular person was to you.
If you feel like it’s “all piling up”, that’s a sign that you’re dealing with more than you know how to cope with. That’s exactly when getting someone else to help can be most useful.
Now I just need to convince myself to take my own advice here :(
Yes, I called it the Saboteur.
I think this might be a very helpful piece of advice for non-depressed people. Locating self-defeating thoughts and behaviours “outside” yourself and telling them to take a running jump is a great technique.
If you find this list describes you well some fair portion of the time (say, more than 20%, though even that sounds like a lot given what I know about people who don’t have chronic depression), that’s probably a start.
As to it being scary—yeah, it is. One really important thing to do ahead of time if you decide to seek help is figure out how to make a safe exit if you’re uncomfortable, or don’t want to continue with a specific provider. Some people find that easy; others find it challenging. Not sure which you are, or how much trouble you have asserting your own boundaries, but it’s a very useful skill.
One practical matter of safety here: if you want to walk away from someone and you’re worried they might escalate, know that in most cases they can only act without your consent if they believe you pose some specific danger to yourself or others. Think about what you’re going through that might be interpreted that way, and be careful before sharing anything like that if you think you might want to stop seeing that provider.
Yes. The first therapist I saw was so bad that I called him to cancel after the first visit (though I still didn’t have the guts to say it in person). Keep in mind that this is always an option. “I don’t think this is a good fit” is a totally acceptable thing to say to a therapist or doctor.
Wow, a lot of things on that list describe me. I’m not even feeling that unhappy… I thought it was just low self-confidence plus some nasty ugh-fields.
Regardless, is low self-confidence getting in your way and making your life worse? If so, seeing a therapist might be one way to work on that.
I think a functional definition is best. Do your negative thoughts (sadness, depression, anxiety, or suchlike) interfere with your ability to live your life (hold a job, attend social events, etc)? Then talking to a therapist may be helpful.
You wouldn’t be ashamed to visit a doctor for advice on how to deal with a nagging cough—emotions that impose a similar level of difficulty can be improved with expert attention.
I seriously don’t understand this. E.g. in post-Soviet Eastern Europe lot, really a lot of people go through life functionally in the sense of being able to hold down a job, stay in a marriage, raise kids, while being wholly joyless / anhedonic and just doing it from a sense of duty. And coping via drinking etc.
Are you talking from the viewpoint of a culture where people refuse to do things they don’t enjoy and thus their anhedonia becomes visibly dysfunctional?
For example, social events aren’t “mandatory” in the sense job/family are (in the sense of your parents probably did not drill it into you that you must do these to be allowed to not feel worthless about yourself), they are mostly for fun, so it is difficult to say what it does with functionality if we do not link functionality with joy. Again the people I am talking aboud do not attend to social events, if getting shitface drunk with the neighbor does not count as one.
At any rate I do not yet see a culture-neutral link between anhedonia and dysfunctionality, it seems they are only strongly linked if people define functionality itself as an enjoyable, autonomous life, but when people think they were born to fulfill certain mandatory roles and tasks, they can go through it efficiently while still feeling totally empty inside.