I’m not a regular user of LW, but I wanted to weigh in anyway. The style of endless asymmetric-effort criticism can be very wearing on people with perfectionist or OCD-like tendencies. I am, sadly, one of those people. In my head is a multi-faced voice of rage and criticism that constantly second guesses my decisions and thoughts and says many of the same things about anyone else’s work or life or decisions. This kind of thing is one of the faces, able to find fault in anything and treat it all with importance both high and invariant over any sort of context. I think the voice is something like an IFS firefighter. In fact, here he is now:
wow. You come to LessWrong (stop abbreviating) and you can’t even be bothered to put five seconds into reading Kaj’s Unlocking the Emotional Brain summary to see if it really is a firefighter and not a protector?
It’s exhausting and demoralizing. This is far from the only component, to be fair, and I actually don’t doubt that Said is honestly trying to make the world a better place… but this particular flavor of criticism is not making things better. It can be done well, but this isn’t it. This makes people, over time and without really noticing it at first, get a submodule installed in their heads that constantly criticizes, second guesses, attempts to justify, apologizes for, pre-emptively clarifies, and talks itself out of things in every domain of life.
...though I guess that may be a natural attractor state for minds like this. Still, while the circumstances for the ban are unfortunate, I think it was correct. For anyone who wants to do anything, having enough energy to do it is key, and things like this just drain it. It’s like fighting a wall of molasses.
I’m very good friends with someone who is persistently critical and it has imo largely improved my mental health, fwiw, by forcing me to construct a functioning and well-maintained ego which I didn’t really have before.
Okay, this is definitely true, too. I also do enjoy a more consistent ability to justify my actions and beliefs, which is far from nothing and not worth writing off. I guess, for me, the missing ingredient is that the other person gets it once I make a logical and reasonable justification; if that happens, I think it’s fine to be friends with a very critical person.
I’m not a regular user of LW, but I wanted to weigh in anyway. The style of endless asymmetric-effort criticism can be very wearing on people with perfectionist or OCD-like tendencies. I am, sadly, one of those people. In my head is a multi-faced voice of rage and criticism that constantly second guesses my decisions and thoughts and says many of the same things about anyone else’s work or life or decisions. This kind of thing is one of the faces, able to find fault in anything and treat it all with importance both high and invariant over any sort of context. I think the voice is something like an IFS firefighter. In fact, here he is now:
It’s exhausting and demoralizing. This is far from the only component, to be fair, and I actually don’t doubt that Said is honestly trying to make the world a better place… but this particular flavor of criticism is not making things better. It can be done well, but this isn’t it. This makes people, over time and without really noticing it at first, get a submodule installed in their heads that constantly criticizes, second guesses, attempts to justify, apologizes for, pre-emptively clarifies, and talks itself out of things in every domain of life.
...though I guess that may be a natural attractor state for minds like this. Still, while the circumstances for the ban are unfortunate, I think it was correct. For anyone who wants to do anything, having enough energy to do it is key, and things like this just drain it. It’s like fighting a wall of molasses.
Semi-related, from Richard_Kennaway
I’m very good friends with someone who is persistently critical and it has imo largely improved my mental health, fwiw, by forcing me to construct a functioning and well-maintained ego which I didn’t really have before.
Okay, this is definitely true, too. I also do enjoy a more consistent ability to justify my actions and beliefs, which is far from nothing and not worth writing off. I guess, for me, the missing ingredient is that the other person gets it once I make a logical and reasonable justification; if that happens, I think it’s fine to be friends with a very critical person.