Being sad or begging—that’s no value. [...] such jealousy only hurts your position.
Sure. But showing these signs can also trigger empathy and altruism. If her love for me had been genuine or stronger it might have turned her without me forcing her. In this way I got feedback making me update toward her loving me less.
show signs of love, fondness, affection
To put it bluntly, here you have mistaken your needs for her needs. It was you who wanted to be loved, to be treated with affection. It is a very natural mistake; many people do it instinctively.
Sure those were my needs. But I didn’t do it to that end. Sure it was on my list and sure I used it instinctively. But I quickly learned that it didn’t work.
What you probably should have done is to find some interesting things to do, and to do them without her. To report feeling great and having a good time.
Wouldn’t have worked. Could have worked if applied for a longer time earlier (together with other Alpha traits). My feelings for her were so strong at that time I likely couldn’t have done anyway .
The worst part is that if you look at it from the punishment/reward viewpoint, you were rewarding her for the actions that hurt you.
That is correct. Nonetheless at that point didn’t know better. Or conceivably me being still so much attached to her this was unavoidable to achieve sufficient tension to in the end snap me.
I considered polyamory.
You mean the kind where also you have alternative partners, or only the kind where she does. [...] Were you trying to find a new fair model for you both, or were you just torturing yourself and experimenting how far can you bend before you break?
No I wasn’t torturing myself. Never have. I can endure tension but in the sense of being at ones limit not beyond.
It would have been an entirely fair model. I know because we had talked about such things and I knew her standpoint. I just didn’t know how I’d feel with it actually. I didn’t plan to have other partners but wouldn’t have excluded it in priciple. I just wouldn’t have pursued it actively.
That I was powerless and was completely at her mercy.
[That] part was a crippling lie.
Probably I shouldn’t have condensed that dialog so much. And consider that it was told to us both at the same time so she saw the scope of her behavior. Anyway. Nothing short of a video will probably suffice to render the involved emotions.
It didn’t cripple me. He probably knew. It pushed me over the edge of my nearly unconditional love for her. Without it I might have further endured and endured. It broke the asymmetry.
You could have learned about how to navigate relationships from a male-friendly source.
‴This is valuable advice I already skimmed shortly,‴ Reflecting on it during our relationship I must have sent out the strongest Beta signal you can imagine but almost no Alpha. I was already exploring in this direction (having ordered Neil Strauss a few weeks ago).
And the ironic part is that afterwards you would have a greater chance of winning her back.
But actually I don’t want her back! Being left by my unconditional love for her I see that she had not reciprocated comparably in the relationship (except if you count her enduring unhappiness and ).
Maybe with more and/or better advice I could have manipulated her to stay. But I wouldn’t have done so without her consent.
It is not like we didn’t know about our trouble spots. We did try. Multiple times. maybe there will be time when this is obvious knowledge (which I doubt) but we didn’t know and were left on a low plateau.
A clear “no” worked much better than “I will try my best” before.
But your life would be better if you knew it sooner.
I knew it sooner. She told me often enough to say “no” clearly.
But you still don’t get how much I was skewed by my love for her.
I didn’t want to say “no”. I wanted badly to satisfy her—more than I was able to.
Actually on most points where I avoided a “no” I made progress over time. Taught me a lot. Self-discipline among that.
You know what. It was a major driver behind my achievements. My other main drivers being the children and then my general curiosity. But curiosity doesn’t solve problems.
Quite a long answer.
Sure. But showing these signs can also trigger empathy and altruism. If her love for me had been genuine or stronger it might have turned her without me forcing her. In this way I got feedback making me update toward her loving me less.
Sure those were my needs. But I didn’t do it to that end. Sure it was on my list and sure I used it instinctively. But I quickly learned that it didn’t work.
Wouldn’t have worked. Could have worked if applied for a longer time earlier (together with other Alpha traits). My feelings for her were so strong at that time I likely couldn’t have done anyway .
That is correct. Nonetheless at that point didn’t know better. Or conceivably me being still so much attached to her this was unavoidable to achieve sufficient tension to in the end snap me.
No I wasn’t torturing myself. Never have. I can endure tension but in the sense of being at ones limit not beyond.
It would have been an entirely fair model. I know because we had talked about such things and I knew her standpoint. I just didn’t know how I’d feel with it actually. I didn’t plan to have other partners but wouldn’t have excluded it in priciple. I just wouldn’t have pursued it actively.
Probably I shouldn’t have condensed that dialog so much. And consider that it was told to us both at the same time so she saw the scope of her behavior. Anyway. Nothing short of a video will probably suffice to render the involved emotions.
It didn’t cripple me. He probably knew. It pushed me over the edge of my nearly unconditional love for her. Without it I might have further endured and endured. It broke the asymmetry.
‴This is valuable advice I already skimmed shortly,‴ Reflecting on it during our relationship I must have sent out the strongest Beta signal you can imagine but almost no Alpha. I was already exploring in this direction (having ordered Neil Strauss a few weeks ago).
But actually I don’t want her back! Being left by my unconditional love for her I see that she had not reciprocated comparably in the relationship (except if you count her enduring unhappiness and ).
Maybe with more and/or better advice I could have manipulated her to stay. But I wouldn’t have done so without her consent. It is not like we didn’t know about our trouble spots. We did try. Multiple times. maybe there will be time when this is obvious knowledge (which I doubt) but we didn’t know and were left on a low plateau.
I knew it sooner. She told me often enough to say “no” clearly. But you still don’t get how much I was skewed by my love for her. I didn’t want to say “no”. I wanted badly to satisfy her—more than I was able to. Actually on most points where I avoided a “no” I made progress over time. Taught me a lot. Self-discipline among that.
You know what. It was a major driver behind my achievements. My other main drivers being the children and then my general curiosity. But curiosity doesn’t solve problems.