Your kids are built from all of you and all of your partner—If you love all of that, then you love all of them… your children are roughly a mosaic of you and the person you picked to make them with.
And that means something else too: If you don’t love parts of yourself or your partner, then your children will see that too. If you get angry at yourself for always being late or angry at your partner for always making a mess, then your kids will see you won’t love those parts of them either.
I don’t have kids but I’m not buying this, this sounds very fake to me.
I think even people who love themselves in a healthy way don’t love all parts of themselves equally (ditto for how they relate to their partners. I love my desire for truth more than I love my neurotic insecurities about what parties I get invited to. I love my partner’s love of learning more than I love his forgetfulness about house chores. I don’t think that’s wrong or unhealthy, and I think that there’s massive gulf between getting problematically angry at my partner (or myself) for making a mess and acting like everything he does (or I do) is exactly equally lovable (or worse, thinking it).
As you note, not all of my genes show my phenotype. For example my partner and I could both have recessive genes that a child could inherit such that they end up with a phenotype that has traits totally different from ours. Some of those traits could be really big and really important (e.g. Tay Sachs)
Not all children are children of the same beloved partner. People have children by rape. They have children via one-night stands. They have children via partners that they used to love but no longer love. Maybe you’d bite that bullet and say, “Well I love all my kids equally, but probably parents don’t love their kids equally in situations like that.” (Which I’d find interesting, but seems like it’s not the vibe of your post)
More broadly, it just feels like a just-so story based on a single anecdote. I think a lot of people do think that their parents loved some of their kids more than others, one could generate a lot of different stories about why that happens and why it doesn’t happen, and how it relates to one’s feelings about oneself and one’s partner. And the evidence/story here doesn’t seem very strong to me.
I think even people who love themselves in a healthy way don’t love all parts of themselves equally (ditto for how they relate to their partners. I love my desire for truth more than I love my neurotic insecurities about what parties I get invited to. I love my partner’s love of learning more than I love his forgetfulness about house chores. I don’t think that’s wrong or unhealthy, and I think that there’s massive gulf between getting problematically angry at my partner (or myself) for making a mess and acting like everything he does (or I do) is exactly equally lovable (or worse, thinking it).
I think this is a matter of definitions and differences in inner experience. The way I experience ‘love’ the way I described above there is no clear love more or less of a particular trait. I definitelt can experience more delight or desire or admiration or enjoyment for some traits than others but the way I use the word ‘love’ is more akin to a sense of connectedness and acceptance than how happy or appreciative I am about a trait.
As you note, not all of my genes show my phenotype. For example my partner and I could both have recessive genes that a child could inherit such that they end up with a phenotype that has traits totally different from ours. Some of those traits could be really big and really important (e.g. Tay Sachs)
Yeah, that part is hard… I think the more ‘costly’ the ‘hidden’ trait is the harder it is for it to be sort of ~overwhelmed by the remaining traits but you can still say you love all the remaining traits equally
Not all children are children of the same beloved partner. People have children by rape. They have children via one-night stands. They have children via partners that they used to love but no longer love. Maybe you’d bite that bullet and say, “Well I love all my kids equally, but probably parents don’t love their kids equally in situations like that.” (Which I’d find interesting, but seems like it’s not the vibe of your post)
I think it is harder in those situation to come to love your kids equally cause you don’t have access to the above mechanic, but I 100% do think a lot of people achieve it anyway through other mechanics. I didn’t mean to claim this is the only mechanic.
The way I experience ‘love’ the way I described above there is no clear love more or less of a particular trait.
Does that mean love has no impact on your decision making? Say you love two people equally for different traits, competence or kindess, take your example you have a trolley running towards Jack/John and you could switch it towards John/Jack, will you abstain from such a decision due to lack of preferential treatment or is love just a thing up in the air with no impact on your inclinations?
If I love Jack and Jill similarly as I love my children, I expect to error out, yes. In practice, a real jack and jill have many other properties, and flipping any switch might be more down to how many healthy years they have or how many dependents or some such. I’m not sure. Also depends how much time you give me to deliberate.
I don’t have kids but I’m not buying this, this sounds very fake to me.
I think even people who love themselves in a healthy way don’t love all parts of themselves equally (ditto for how they relate to their partners. I love my desire for truth more than I love my neurotic insecurities about what parties I get invited to. I love my partner’s love of learning more than I love his forgetfulness about house chores. I don’t think that’s wrong or unhealthy, and I think that there’s massive gulf between getting problematically angry at my partner (or myself) for making a mess and acting like everything he does (or I do) is exactly equally lovable (or worse, thinking it).
As you note, not all of my genes show my phenotype. For example my partner and I could both have recessive genes that a child could inherit such that they end up with a phenotype that has traits totally different from ours. Some of those traits could be really big and really important (e.g. Tay Sachs)
Not all children are children of the same beloved partner. People have children by rape. They have children via one-night stands. They have children via partners that they used to love but no longer love. Maybe you’d bite that bullet and say, “Well I love all my kids equally, but probably parents don’t love their kids equally in situations like that.” (Which I’d find interesting, but seems like it’s not the vibe of your post)
More broadly, it just feels like a just-so story based on a single anecdote. I think a lot of people do think that their parents loved some of their kids more than others, one could generate a lot of different stories about why that happens and why it doesn’t happen, and how it relates to one’s feelings about oneself and one’s partner. And the evidence/story here doesn’t seem very strong to me.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I think this is a matter of definitions and differences in inner experience. The way I experience ‘love’ the way I described above there is no clear love more or less of a particular trait. I definitelt can experience more delight or desire or admiration or enjoyment for some traits than others but the way I use the word ‘love’ is more akin to a sense of connectedness and acceptance than how happy or appreciative I am about a trait.
Yeah, that part is hard… I think the more ‘costly’ the ‘hidden’ trait is the harder it is for it to be sort of ~overwhelmed by the remaining traits but you can still say you love all the remaining traits equally
I think it is harder in those situation to come to love your kids equally cause you don’t have access to the above mechanic, but I 100% do think a lot of people achieve it anyway through other mechanics. I didn’t mean to claim this is the only mechanic.
Does that mean love has no impact on your decision making? Say you love two people equally for different traits, competence or kindess, take your example you have a trolley running towards Jack/John and you could switch it towards John/Jack, will you abstain from such a decision due to lack of preferential treatment or is love just a thing up in the air with no impact on your inclinations?
If I love Jack and Jill similarly as I love my children, I expect to error out, yes. In practice, a real jack and jill have many other properties, and flipping any switch might be more down to how many healthy years they have or how many dependents or some such. I’m not sure. Also depends how much time you give me to deliberate.