One of the ways by which these kinds of strategies get implemented is that the psyche develops a sense of extreme discomfort around acting in the “wrong” way, with successful execution of that strategy then blocking that sense of discomfort. For example, the thought of not apologizing when you thought someone might be upset at you might feel excruciatingly uncomfortable, with that discomfort subsiding once you did apologize.
Interesting. I’ve had friends who had this “really needs to apologize when they think they might have upset me” thing, and something I noticed is that they when they don’t over-apologize they feel the need to point it out too.
I never thought too deeply about it, but reading you, I’m thinking maybe their internal experience was “I just felt really uncomfortable for a moment and I still overcame my discomfort, I’m proud of that, I should tell him about it”.
Sounds plausible to me. Alternatively, telling you that they didn’t over-apologize still communicates that they would have over-apologized in different circumstances, so it can be a covert way of still delivering that apology.
I think that noticing this—that not over-apologizing didn’t bring disaster—is a good thing. it close the feedback loop. it the sort of thing that i believe after enough repeats get people to believe that not over-apologize is safe. so he noticed that, and point it out as observation worth remembering.
but also, Kaj’s explanation ring true to me. it’s both a way to still apologize, and to leave line of retreat—to implicitly say—I’m not over-apologize. but I’m willing to do so if you are going be mad at me.
Interesting. I’ve had friends who had this “really needs to apologize when they think they might have upset me” thing, and something I noticed is that they when they don’t over-apologize they feel the need to point it out too.
I never thought too deeply about it, but reading you, I’m thinking maybe their internal experience was “I just felt really uncomfortable for a moment and I still overcame my discomfort, I’m proud of that, I should tell him about it”.
Sounds plausible to me. Alternatively, telling you that they didn’t over-apologize still communicates that they would have over-apologized in different circumstances, so it can be a covert way of still delivering that apology.
I think that noticing this—that not over-apologizing didn’t bring disaster—is a good thing. it close the feedback loop. it the sort of thing that i believe after enough repeats get people to believe that not over-apologize is safe. so he noticed that, and point it out as observation worth remembering.
but also, Kaj’s explanation ring true to me. it’s both a way to still apologize, and to leave line of retreat—to implicitly say—I’m not over-apologize. but I’m willing to do so if you are going be mad at me.