It occurs to me that there’s a class of person for whom this entire line of thinking is a subtle trap, and the wrong approach.
I included one paragraph in the OP:
I’m currently related it through the lens of game-theory. I can imagine the best advice for most people is to not overthink it, don’t stress about game theory. Maybe you should just be letting your hearts and bodies be talking to each other, elephant to elephant.
I think, perhaps for a large fraction of LessWrongers, this class of advice is more useful than all the rest of the coordination theory here. (unfortunately, as an overly cerebral rationalist I am not very good at giving the elephant advice)
I think the coordination theory here is, like, the true-mechanics that will be going on under-the-hood in a healthy relationship (interested in arguments to the contrary), but much of the time it’s the wrong thing to focus on. Like, knowing how all your muscles fit together might hypothetically be relevant to dancing, but it is not the thing to preoccupy yourself with while actually dancing.
I think where it is helpful is in overcoming intimidation. For example, one of the best behavior changes I’ve made this year is in reaching out to strangers, both through the LW/EA community, and in the grad schools I’ve been applying to. I’ve gotten more value out of those few hours of conversation than almost anything else I’ve learned in the last year.
But it took a certain level of cerebral understanding in advance that this isn’t an imposition, but rather a way for both myself and the other person to build trust with each other. It’s a way to start iterating on that much earlier than if we had to wait to meet in person. It leads to unpredictable but strong opportunities later. Zoom is not built into the elephant-mind, so having an intellectual understanding of how to apply these principles to our weird digital social world can actually be really helpful.
It occurs to me that there’s a class of person for whom this entire line of thinking is a subtle trap, and the wrong approach.
I included one paragraph in the OP:
I think, perhaps for a large fraction of LessWrongers, this class of advice is more useful than all the rest of the coordination theory here. (unfortunately, as an overly cerebral rationalist I am not very good at giving the elephant advice)
I think the coordination theory here is, like, the true-mechanics that will be going on under-the-hood in a healthy relationship (interested in arguments to the contrary), but much of the time it’s the wrong thing to focus on. Like, knowing how all your muscles fit together might hypothetically be relevant to dancing, but it is not the thing to preoccupy yourself with while actually dancing.
I think where it is helpful is in overcoming intimidation. For example, one of the best behavior changes I’ve made this year is in reaching out to strangers, both through the LW/EA community, and in the grad schools I’ve been applying to. I’ve gotten more value out of those few hours of conversation than almost anything else I’ve learned in the last year.
But it took a certain level of cerebral understanding in advance that this isn’t an imposition, but rather a way for both myself and the other person to build trust with each other. It’s a way to start iterating on that much earlier than if we had to wait to meet in person. It leads to unpredictable but strong opportunities later. Zoom is not built into the elephant-mind, so having an intellectual understanding of how to apply these principles to our weird digital social world can actually be really helpful.