How hard should I prioritize having kids?
I am really not sure how hard I should prioritize having kids in my life. I am posting this because I mostly would like to hear perspectives from other people who have kids. The current worlds that feel possible / close to me right now:
not have kids
have kids w a known donor and be a single parent
my ideas right now are:
get good
could try harder to meet people.[3]
could change my own visibility so people meet me.
could try to actually build the rationalist orphanage.[4]
could get a really demanding job and not think about this.
could attempt to fall off and try to find peace in a beach town in Australia in between getting knocked up and forgetting everything I know about what is possible in this strange lovely world.
for more context:
am currently 29.
have 36 eggs frozen with plans to freeze more.
have only ever seriously wanted to have kids with one person.
am only medium on the have kids thing but my biology yells at me it is important.
(more context but a bit more meta):
Kids seems to be a thing people recommend hard (which makes me curious and suspicious but mostly curious)
I think I am configured in a way where I would be fine / good at having kids.
I think I have some degree of arrogance here and predict I would be humbled, but I think kids wouldn’t be too hard if I can solve for things like sensory issues (noise).
I don’t have hard time finding people who want to date me but do have harder time finding people I want to date.
I am open to hearing better ideas. I am open to hearing that I am thinking about this wrong (and alternative ways to think about). I am open to dms
- ^
The word love here is loosely defined in my head in two ways.
One is the warm, gooey, nice, alive feeling most could prob consider romantic love.
Two is a deeper level of respect, trust, care, taste and support. I think you can find this in friends too.
For me to do creatures with someone I anticipate both conditions needing to be met; plus some additionals.
- ^
Fwiw the problem with #2 (have kids with someone I like but don’t love*):
I am worried the things I don’t love in the person would leave a finger print on my children.
For example, most people seem to see the world in a way I find a lil unpleasant. It is rather hard to find people who see the world in ways I find beautiful. I don’t want to have kids with someone who sees the world along a different axis than me bc that seems to be something a child could absorb.
If I found someone who I would want their finger prints on my children, that would be great, and I would try to wife them.
It is my impression that people say kids are a good enough experience that it is worth selling out and settling for someone you like and can co parent with. My sense is:
1. this can’t be true or
2. I don’t want kids enough for this to be true
[*edit due to comments I see how ‘fingerprints’ would be less of a thing on the offspring and more of an issue for me. I can see now more clearly that I just don’t want to do the long project of children w someone I don’t respect in xyz ways]
- ^
I currently do not think ‘trying harder’ to meet people is a good use of my time or the most optimal way to do this. I predict it likely leads to more minor relationships and the odds I find a major thing is not going to come from ‘traditional trying’ (I am ofc open to more creative trying, if anyone has had success there)
- ^
If you have thoughts on this would love to hear them.
I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can tell you about my experience. My son was born when I was 33. My (then) wife and I had been trying to convince for a few years, and we were about to seek fertility treatments. He was very much wanted. We talked about having more, but we felt pretty lucky to have the one. We divorced when he was about 8.
I had a great role model for a father: mostly in the positive sense, but also with a few negative features that I intended to improve upon. He told me I taught him a lot. I can say my son has done the same for me.
I got really lucky with my son. He’s enough like me when I was a kid that I was able to really relate to him. From an early age I have called him wiggle-monkey, because he could never sit still. Early on, he was diagnosed with ADHD. As a part of him getting evaluated and diagnosed, I found I did too.
It re-contextualized a bunch of my childhood. I thought back to all of those times that I got in trouble for being lazy, or forgetful, or because I just couldn’t complete a task. My dad would get really frustrated with me. He was never abusive, but it was still traumatic because I really was trying. I had a lot of negative self-talk and self-image that extended into adulthood because of that.
Knowing that these symptoms and struggles are common, despite our best efforts, I promised myself to not pass on that trauma to my son. I adopted a free-range and gentle parenting style. It taken a lot of patience at times, but learning that skill has improved my life. Since he’s now 15, and a great kid, I think I’ve been largely successful.
Raising him has also brought me even closer to my father. Nights where my son was sick, and I sat with him to comfort him, I would think of all the times my dad did the same for me. When my son would have a deadline with school, and crammed too much in, I’d help him and think about how my dad had done the same for me. When money was really tight, and I had to make tough decisions, I thought about how my parents struggled and still managed to give me a happy childhood.
Being a parent taught me responsibility and resilience. When we both got the flu, I couldn’t just hide in bed because he needed me. When I was depressed and could barely will myself to get out of bed he still needed to get to school. When my feet and back were hurting from walking all day, I still managed to carry him as he slept on my shoulder.
Being a parent isn’t that different than I expected it to be. All of those assholes that say, “unless you are a parent, you just wouldn’t understand” are wrong. Still, when I think about how much I love him, it makes me understand how my parents feel about me.
It’s hard though, and expensive. It was really socially limiting for the first few years. I’m sure you’ve heard all that stuff before though.
Since my divorce, I’ve shared custody of my son. We do a 2-2-3 schedule. It means that I have plenty of time away from my duties as a father. I love that freedom too. It’s really my one bit of advice I’ll give. If you have a child with someone/others, even if they live with you, divide up your days of responsibility. Of course you’ll both/all be parents on your days off, but that gives you time away to be you, and preserve your own identity. It makes planning easier. It makes friends easier. If you live with a partner, make time for them too. Being a full-time single-parent is pretty rough without support.
Just also remember if you share custody with someone, you’ll be pretty tied to them for about 20 years. My partner is moving across the country in April, and I can’t go with her without my son losing access to one of his parents. If you do choose someone you like, try to think how you might feel in two decades.
Another idea is maybe do fostering? Then you can try it before you buy it. That might even lead to adoption, which is yet another option.
Before thinking about starting an orphanage, why not look for programs where you can be in the lives of kids who need a good role model? Or volunteer at the local library to read to children. Heck, you might wind up finding someone you ultimately would want to have your own with.
So that’s it. Parenting is worth it, but not being a parent has lots of perks too. I got lucky with an easy (for me) kid. YMMV. Whatever you decide, whenever you decide it, it’ll be the right decision.
I fell into parenthood kind of by accident, at a point in life where I was actually pretty sure it wasn’t going to happen. It’s been great and I very much value what I’ve gotten from it… but I don’t think my life would necessarily have been bad without it. Just quite different.
This sounds like you may think you’re going to have more control than you will. Parenting isn’t programming. Kids will have their own personalities, attitudes, and even factual beliefs and social values. You absolutely can have influence on them, probably beliefs and values much more than personality or attitude… but you can’t (and will get into trouble if you try to) control every other possible source of influence. That doesn’t mean you should subject your children to a central figure in their lives who’s abusive, or really crazy, or seriously invested in actively pushing something that’s going to influence the kid in unhappy ways… but concerning yourself with people “seeing the world in ways [you] find a lil unpleasant” sounds a bit over the top to me. You at least have to pick your battles.
If it’s about some subject matter where a child really is relatively easily influenced, and it’s really important to you personally, and if it’s not something your co-parents are actively going to fight you on, you do have a good chance of getting your view a fair hearing and a strong advantage in the child’s mind. I mean, as long as you don’t push it in some way that provokes active rebellion.
On the other hand, please understand that not everything can be influenced, and even if something can be influenced, your “win” isn’t guaranteed. If most people see the world in this way you don’t like, your child may share that, regardless of what you do, with or without any particular person having a special degree of influence on them.
Not undoable, but I think it would definitely be much harder. Especially if you don’t have tons of money sloshing around. And you have to worry about who’s your backup if you get hit by a bus.
Also, if you’re really, really, worried about “fingerprints”, being a single parent means that you’re going to have less time to influence your child(ren) yourself, and have to leave with them with other people more. Sometimes people you can’t select nearly as carefully as you’d select a co-parent.
Maybe you could do some kind of communal thing? Another form of “like, but not love”, I guess.
I appreciate the detailed response thank u
I’m a parent. Personally I’m pleased with my choice to have a kid. It’s a lot of work for a lot of reward.
Me and my wife try to split the work close to 50⁄50. However, if I had to do it by myself or almost completely by myself, it might feel like it was too much work for me to be happy. I think that’s a matter of my lazy personality and it might be different for others.
It’s extremely useful to trust my wife enough that when she is in charge of deciding stuff for our kid, I can almost always just feel comfortable that she will do her best, and not be tempted to worry or micromanage, even though she doesn’t always do the same things I would do. I think that kind of mutual trust is probably more important for parenting than romantic love, although I don’t know how separable the two really are in practice.
This seems the root problem, so maybe worth narrowing down a bit. Do you think there are just very few people in the world who you’d want to date? Or do you think there are many such people, but just not in the places you look?
yeah does seem to a known problem. I do think there are few people
*i moved to drafts because i felt shy (and because I can) but brought it back. i appreciate the perspectives.
(will likely move this post to drafts in a few days after information gathering and appreciate peoples perspectives so far! they have subtly shifted how i think of a few things.)