I am really not sure how hard I should prioritize having kids in my life. I am posting this because I mostly would like to hear perspectives from other people who have kids. The current worlds that feel possible / close to me right now:
not have kids
have kids with someone I like but don’t love[1][2]
could try to actually build the rationalist orphanage.[4]
could get a really demanding job and not think about this.
could attempt to fall off and try to find peace in a beach town in Australia in between getting knocked up and forgetting everything I know about what is possible in this strange lovely world.
for more context:
am currently 29.
have 36 eggs frozen with plans to freeze more.
have only ever seriously wanted to have kids with one person.
am only medium on the have kids thing but my biology yells at me it is important.
(more context but a bit more meta):
Kids seems to be a thing people recommend hard (which makes me curious and suspicious but mostly curious)
I think I am configured in a way where I would be fine / good at having kids.
I think I have some degree of arrogance here and predict I would be humbled, but I think kids wouldn’t be too hard if I can solve for things like sensory issues (noise).
I don’t have hard time finding people who want to date me but do have harder time finding people I want to date.
I am open to hearing better ideas. I am open to hearing that I am thinking about this wrong (and alternative ways to think about). I am open to dms
Fwiw the problem with #2 (have kids with someone I like but don’t love*):
I am worried the things I don’t love in the person would leave a finger print on my children.
For example, most people seem to see the world in a way I find a lil unpleasant. It is rather hard to find people who see the world in ways I find beautiful. I don’t want to have kids with someone who sees the world along a different axis than me bc that seems to be something a child could absorb.
If I found someone who I would want their finger prints on my children, that would be great, and I would try to wife them.
It is my impression that people say kids are a good enough experience that it is worth selling out and settling for someone you like and can co parent with. My sense is:
1. this can’t be true or
2. I don’t want kids enough for this to be true
[*edit due to comments I see how ‘fingerprints’ would be less of a thing on the offspring and more of an issue for me. I can see now more clearly that I just don’t want to do the long project of children w someone I don’t respect in xyz ways]
I currently do not think ‘trying harder’ to meet people is a good use of my time or the most optimal way to do this. I predict it likely leads to more minor relationships and the odds I find a major thing is not going to come from ‘traditional trying’ (I am ofc open to more creative trying, if anyone has had success there)
How hard should I prioritize having kids?
I am really not sure how hard I should prioritize having kids in my life. I am posting this because I mostly would like to hear perspectives from other people who have kids. The current worlds that feel possible / close to me right now:
not have kids
have kids with someone I like but don’t love[1][2]
have kids w a known donor and be a single parent
my ideas right now are:
get good
could try harder to meet people.[3]
could change my own visibility so people meet me.
could try to actually build the rationalist orphanage.[4]
could get a really demanding job and not think about this.
could attempt to fall off and try to find peace in a beach town in Australia in between getting knocked up and forgetting everything I know about what is possible in this strange lovely world.for more context:
am currently 29.
have 36 eggs frozen with plans to freeze more.
have only ever seriously wanted to have kids with one person.
am only medium on the have kids thing but my biology yells at me it is important.
(more context but a bit more meta):
Kids seems to be a thing people recommend hard (which makes me curious and suspicious but mostly curious)
I think I am configured in a way where I would be fine / good at having kids.
I think I have some degree of arrogance here and predict I would be humbled, but I think kids wouldn’t be too hard if I can solve for things like sensory issues (noise).
I don’t have hard time finding people who want to date me but do have harder time finding people I want to date.
I am open to hearing better ideas. I am open to hearing that I am thinking about this wrong (and alternative ways to think about). I am open to dms
The word love here is loosely defined in my head in two ways.
One is the warm, gooey, nice, alive feeling most could prob consider romantic love.
Two is a deeper level of respect, trust, care, taste and support. I think you can find this in friends too.
For me to do creatures with someone I anticipate both conditions needing to be met; plus some additionals.
Fwiw the problem with #2 (have kids with someone I like but don’t love*):
I am worried the things I don’t love in the person would leave a finger print on my children.
For example, most people seem to see the world in a way I find a lil unpleasant. It is rather hard to find people who see the world in ways I find beautiful. I don’t want to have kids with someone who sees the world along a different axis than me bc that seems to be something a child could absorb.
If I found someone who I would want their finger prints on my children, that would be great, and I would try to wife them.
It is my impression that people say kids are a good enough experience that it is worth selling out and settling for someone you like and can co parent with. My sense is:
1. this can’t be true or
2. I don’t want kids enough for this to be true
[*edit due to comments I see how ‘fingerprints’ would be less of a thing on the offspring and more of an issue for me. I can see now more clearly that I just don’t want to do the long project of children w someone I don’t respect in xyz ways]
I currently do not think ‘trying harder’ to meet people is a good use of my time or the most optimal way to do this. I predict it likely leads to more minor relationships and the odds I find a major thing is not going to come from ‘traditional trying’ (I am ofc open to more creative trying, if anyone has had success there)
If you have thoughts on this would love to hear them.