Looks useful, thanks for the tip!
isaacschlueter
Karma: 46
Yes, that’s why I mentioned that it’s much more difficult than it seems. There are two negative reactions I’ve encountered: The first is a “yeah, no $#!+, what are you, autistic or something?” The second is, “No, why would you even think that? Are you autistic or something?”
So, yeah… use with caution. It’s a technique that can be a little weird, but when you’re finding yourself completely without any clue what’s going on inside someone else, and you really need to know, just throwing out your best guess (or whatever you do know, even if it’s not the full story) almost always gets some reaction that will give you more information. I’ve learned that process comments must be made tentatively; half-question, half-validation.
Another thing I forgot to mention: Non-Violent Communication. Get this book and read it. http://amzn.com/dp/1892005034 It’s full of things that sound obvious. So read it again and again.
Most people, in most situations, have a strong desire to tell you how they feel, what they’re interested in, etc. Learning how to let them do this is very powerful. A lot of what passes for empathy is just a matter of not inadvertently shutting people down before they get a chance to tell you what they’re feeling.
I’ve realized over the years that I habitually made a ton of mistakes that NVC explicitly calls out. Noticing these mistakes is hard. Changing them is harder. It’s a worthwhile enterprise.
EDIT: A slight correction: “you’re angry” is not technically a “process comment” unless it’s bloody well obvious that the person is angry. “You’re speaking loudly” or “you just smashed the table” would be process comments (assuming that they are true.)
Great points in this article. I noticed in high school that I had difficulties in this area, but rather than approach it with this conceptual pwno has, I sought out training regimens more like what you describe.
I can’t say that they’ve been super effective. I still come across as a bit “off” a lot of the time, but they’ve certainly helped. YMMV, of course.
If you’re single (or, at least, not locked down), join a dating website (or a few). Don’t try to find the love of your life. Just try to go on as many first dates as you can. Try to learn as much as you can about the other person, and practice empathy techniques. This is good because people tend to have very little tolerance for odd behavior, and will be experiencing a lot of odd uncertainty, curiosity, excitement, etc., themselves. Make it your goal to learn about them, and build a model of this new person.
Take a foreign language. This is good because it’s regular, safe, and you’ll have to interact and converse with a bunch of people. Since you’re all struggling, people tend to let their guard down, and the conversation topics are usually pretty basic (what’s your name, where do you live, how many pets do you have, blah blah blah) so it’s not distracting. I’m studying ASL now. Sign language is particularly good because facial/body language is such a huge part of the language, so it can build a lot of control and awareness.
Take a dance or martial arts class. Empathy is a very physical activity, and it can be incredibly instructive to learn how to trust your instincts and respond to another person’s body in real time. While, of course, it happens in the brain, it’s not the sort of problem that (in my experience) I can “think my way out of”.
Tell the people closest to you that you’ve come to realize that this is something you need to work on, and that they seem pretty good at it, and ask them to a) call you out on it when you seem to act oddly, and b) to be patient and helpful if you ever ask them how they’re feeling at random times. Most people will be flattered and happy to help. Then actually use their help! Resist the urge to be defensive if they correct you on something, and repeatedly check your model of how you think they’re feeling if you’re unsure. (Make sure to tell them that it’s ok to tell you to stop, if it bugs them. You don’t want to push people away in your quest to be more empathic!)
When you’re speaking with people, try to figure out how they’re feeling, and state it as a tentative sentence. Throw in “And you’re happy about this” or “that makes you sad” or “you’re mad at me about something” in conversation, if it seems like that’s true. In therapy, this is called making “process comments”—comments that just state what’s happening, and don’t try to add explanation or judgement. They’ll correct you if you’re wrong, and give you more information if you’re right. It’s an incredibly powerful technique, and much more difficult than it sounds.
Keep a log. At the end of each day, write down how someone you know was feeling, and how it made you feel, and what physical sensations made you aware of these feelings. Especially: make a note of any time when someone’s behavior surprised you, or someone you know who is consistently surprising. This means that you’re not reading them properly.
Remind yourself frequently that no one is the villain of their own story. So, while they may in fact be a villain any number of reasons, thinking of them as such will not help you understand them.
A lot of overcoming a lack of empathy is simply a matter of overcoming a fear of interaction as such. If you wear a watch or carry a book with you everywhere you go, stop. Every time you’re at a bus stop (train station, etc.), ask someone what time it is, and make put-up comment. If you make them smile, you get a point. If you don’t, make a note of it in your journal and try to think of why that might have been. Did they seem annoyed? Startled? Tired? What messages were you sending that might have made them felt that way? How could you have misinterpreted their reaction?
I learned a lot from doing door-to-door sales once upon a time, but I would not recommend that. As helpful as it was for getting over my lack of empathy and social skills, it was a horrible experience overall.
As I’ve heard it explained, there was a lot of contention for the free food in the garbage pit. It was highly desirable, so the most agressive alpha males took it over, and jealously guarded it. So, the weaker males (and females and young) stayed behind.