Cui

Karma: 14

Cui 2 Aug 2022 16:43 UTC
4 points
3
on: On akrasia: starting at the bottom
sometimes need that zombie mode

Cui 11 Apr 2022 14:05 UTC
0 points
on: Cui’s Shortform
I woke up dreading having to do anything I set out for myself this morning. In fact, I really don’t want to do anything. My pain tolerance is really low. But anyways, I’m not exactly complaining, just stating. Thinking about it, I used to be able tp push through this feeling a lot when I was in high school—when I was most disciplined. I’m sure a lot of people feel like this quite often, or at least sometimes.
Anyways, my main goal today is just to feel more in harmony with what’s around me and everything that I’ve set out for myself to do. There’s challenges, there’s hardships, there’s desires, but there’s also ways to move more smoothly through things. I’m talking about ways to reduce my suffering. So much unnecessary pressure is added to tasks. You extrapolate the meaning of this task into the future and deep into the composition of your identity. Your hopes and dreams rest on this task, when in reality it’s not that deep. Wrestling with that kind of pressure constantly is exhausting—and anxiety inducing.

Cui 11 Apr 2022 13:56 UTC
0 points
on: Cui’s Shortform
I figure now is a good time for a longer reflection. I woke up quite late today, about 2.5 hours later than I had hoped to. But, it was only 9:18. Whenever I sleep this far past my alarm, I usually get jolted with a bout of anxiety—depression on the bad days. I’ll scramble to get to doing something productive, to make up for lost time. It’s usually not productive.
And so, today I’ve decided to do a long reflection. A very inspiring reflection. Something with some insight. There’s two types of productivity: linear growth and the bomb. I can’t bear to drudge through linear growth on a day like this (though I’m not in such a bad mood). So hopefully I can find a bomb and it will be fun.
My biggest fear—though I’m going to try and start thinking of it as a problem in need of a solution—is what I am going to do for my career. It’s haunted me for about 2 years now. And maybe, the fear is of not being successful. And success being defined as winning a comparison between myself and one of my peers—though maybe it could be generalized to anyone else below the Elon Musk level. Yes, it’s quite toxic and zero-sum and I need some time to change this viewpoint in my mind. Another fear I have is underachieving, And another fear is not enjoying my career. And another is not making much money. And another is not having status. And another is not being of service. Oh, a big one is wasting time and sub-optimal routes.
I have all these fears, fears of failure. And they probably play into a large portion of my struggles and suffering with this question. But, I just realized: I’ve already failed at all of these things. I already experience the pain of failure to some degree. And what does it matter. I have my life, my goals, my aspirations. Failure is *inevitable* on this endeavor. Letting fear consume you hampers your potential.

Cui 6 Apr 2022 0:06 UTC
3 points
on: Cui’s Shortform
Now it’s time to sing the blues. How tough life can be. Life is tough. Nothing is perfect. And our imagination of perfection. It just hurts us more. When the going is good, it’s easy to think it will last forever. And we’ll endlessly improve. It’s easy to imagine beautiful, large goals. Ones we hope to accomplish. Studying for 4 hours, coding for 4 hours, never going to sleep.
To accept that we have limitations, to recognize our limits. What has worked before and what has not. We are carbon.

Cui 27 Mar 2022 18:33 UTC
4 points
on: Cui’s Shortform
On properly enjoying life. What felt like such a huge issue to me. Like the determinant of the quality of my life. And so important to the progress of the world. My drive to be everything I could be. My misplaced Will-to-Power.
Now, I’m moving at my own pace. A much slower pace. It’s a beauty to move at your own speed. To do what really works for you.
Liquid can’t be poured from an empty beaker.
Sometimes there are great paradoxes. The more you consume, the less satisfied you are. The harder you try, more backwards you go. Moving a little slower. Doing a little less. Feeling a bit smaller.
A more natural way to live.

Cui 26 Mar 2022 17:35 UTC
1 point
on: Meditations on Momentum
Micro-scale momentum. When fatigue sets in. After a valiant attempt, continuing to push through creates frustration and is unproductive. Do a task that you are making some kind of gains in. Do something that gets you excited. Sometimes I set timers to ensure I don’t get sucked into the black-hole of white-knuckling, spiraling and suffering to disaster.
Also most long-term approach to momentum and avoiding the downward spiral: be kind to yourself! Don’t beat yourself up. Mistakes can be mistakes.

Cui 25 Mar 2022 19:39 UTC
1 point
on: Cui’s Shortform
Going about things a long, and not immediately progressing way in which you don’t know if your actions are working. But you think this course of action is best for long-term progress. Establish tight feedback loops.
- emotional stability checks (can I not be depressed for 1 week?)
- track mood throughout the day (am I generally more happy?)
- impacts on short-term functioning (often short-term functioning isn’t even much impacted at all!)

Cui 23 Mar 2022 22:31 UTC
1 point
on: Cui’s Shortform
Addiction to Miracles
Some addictions are obvious. Compulsions for the material are easier to spot. Rarely do people talk about the dark side of hope. Luring people back to that same gas station, for another chance at the lottery, just in hopes of that big payday. It’s sinister and devious. A coping mechanism. You fall down for the 20th time. There’s a warm place for you in the comfort of a fantastical dream. A vision of the future where everything is perfect for you. Heaven or hell? Perfect opioid. Free, discrete. It picks up your ego when it gets shattered. Reality gets tough, look away. Run away, retreat to your dreams. Lick your wounds with hope. Just notice you are doing it.

Cui 23 Mar 2022 4:05 UTC
4 points
on: Cui’s Shortform
The Fire that will Burn this House Down

The same looping thoughts and habits have kept me down for a year, put me in this current rock-bottom, and is the fire that will burn this house down. I guess it’s the question of what I should do with my life. It’s an indecision, a paralysis by optionality. It’s an outsized need for self-importance. An entitlement to rewards that take years of effort to earn. It’s wishful thinking that stretches expectations to the absurd.

Whenever I browse the internet and come across someone doing something interesting (writing, jobs, art, science), my mind immediately needs that to be my new identity. Where I make a career out of that very thing. Where I am exceptional at that very thing. Where I am BEST IN THE WORLD at that very thing. I’ve gone from Andy Warhol to Elon in 1 year.

And I want too many things. And I get disappointed so easily. And I quit anything once it gets difficult. Because why not, there’s a shiner object over there.

It’s a constant, “Maybe I should do this”, “But I HATE the idea of this aspect of it”, “What about this over here then”, “But I HATE that too”. And the cycle loops on.

This is going to kill me.

Cui 22 Mar 2022 19:02 UTC
1 point
on: Cui’s Shortform
I’ve fallen off the wagon. This is the most depressed I’ve been in a while.
I can’t work. I can’t grind. I can hardly function. I can’t even get out of this chair. I can’t feel my head. My heart feels tight. My left arm feels weak. I haven’t been this depressed in a while.
I am not any of these things. I am just experiencing the world.
Heaviness on the body. Time drags just a bit. White-noise drags just a bit. Doesn’t being sleepy feel really comfortable? Waves of it through the body. I can’t get much of anything done anymore. I’m collapsing and failing. scratch that.
This is what the mind is saying. What ever happened to those feelings of flow? I’m going cold.
Just a little bit more. I’m telling myself a story that I’m sad. I don’t know where to begin.
Everyone tells me I talk to generally. Let’s be specific. I want status. I want followers. I want respect. Sometimes I want to help the world. But here I am, a bum. Prestigious college and no idea what to do. Technical skills God knows where, but can’t communicate. *communication is lacking, see I’m being positive. How can I accept average? Looking at others pains me so much. But if I meditate on that feeling, I’ll accept and understand it better.

Cui 22 Mar 2022 19:02 UTC
1 point
on: Cui’s Shortform
Everyone tells me I talk to generally. Let’s be specific. I want status. I want followers. I want respect. Sometimes I want to help the world. But here I am, a bum. Prestigious college and no idea what to do. Technical skills God knows where, but can’t communicate. *communication is lacking, see I’m being positive. How can I accept average? Looking at others pains me so much. But if I meditate on that feeling, I’ll accept and understand it better.

Cui 18 Mar 2022 23:13 UTC
1 point
on: What Should I Do Today?
Being mindful of my emotions is what I should do everyday (so much productivity lost).

Cui 18 Mar 2022 23:11 UTC
1 point
in reply to: Dagon’s comment on: What Should I Do Today?
Can you give some examples of problem-solving tools? Are examples modeling using differential equations, software engineering, organizing people?

Cui 18 Mar 2022 16:35 UTC
1 point
in reply to: Dennis Towne’s comment on: Can you only realize objects in your mind after they appear?
In The Mind Illuminated, Culadasa talks about the difference between attention (spotlight of consciousness) and awareness (consciousness of the background). Does anyone’s mind vacillate rapidly between attention to the breath and background white noise? What happens in your mind when you notice background noise?

Cui 18 Mar 2022 4:53 UTC
1 point
in reply to: Rafael Harth’s comment on: Can you only realize objects in your mind after they appear?
Is the supervisor attention?

Cui 5 Mar 2022 18:10 UTC
1 point
in reply to: Quinn’s comment on: Cui’s Shortform
Bertrand Russell points out productive compulsion as well! Emotional drive to create, or stand up, etc.

Cui 5 Mar 2022 18:03 UTC
2 points
on: Cui’s Shortform
Bright on a Saturday morning. Finished a run. Finishing a good breakfast. A coffee tingling the mind. An afterglow of accomplishment. Contrast from after a night of drugs. But only those nights of drugs that are not-even-that-fun and just filled with regret afterwards. This early morning pleasure is so soft. But it grips. Like savoring a single cracker, letting it melt in your mouth. Or a low-dose of morphine. I can’t clench my fists. Euphoria is too strong. This is a healthy way to get high.

Cui 4 Mar 2022 16:29 UTC
2 points
on: Cui’s Shortform
I just feel small, insignificant, irrelevant, like all my efforts are ultimately for nothing. What am I doing here studying math at this old age? Maybe I should try and do something more important. I have a tweaking sensation: why should I not try to make next great startup? Well, at my current abilities that is highly unlikely. I feel like a sad fact. I feel aged-out of my prime. I feel like some of my friends will become ultra-successful, and I’ll be here toiling away at irrelevance. It’s an extremely bad mindset to be in. It most definitely doesn’t help me. But what’s the point.
Ok you have to realize WHERE YOUR MOTIVATIONS ARE COMING FROM. Recognize when you are being driven to want something for social status reasons. Think about WHAT YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT. A drive for power? The ability to give an impressive answer when asked “what are you up to”? Being busier than the next guy? Oh what about the “I don’t have time to be socializing with you” move?
Fully imagine yourself in the role the next time you have a spontaneous desire for a new career, or a new personality, or a new lifestyle, maybe even any meaningful change to your life. Is it intrinsically worth it? Would you wake up and want to take on the challenges everyday? Imagine the shitty parts. Imagine how you would feel about yourself when you go to a party with all kinds of other cool people. Does it satisfy your soul?
A software startup could definitely be very satisfying. It could make me rich, and it could be a great look to others. But, I realistically don’t have it in my bones right now (for soo many reasons). MAKE SURE YOUR INTENTIONS ARE PURE. Understand what you are currently doing. Build up on a path—keep an awareness of decades long timescales. Keep level-headed.

Cui 4 Mar 2022 2:18 UTC
5 points
on: Cui’s Shortform
Giving up. Some of the best decisions I ever made were to give up. When I finally gave up quitting weed on my own, I made the most progress I ever have. When I finally gave up trying to solve my mental health problems on my own, I healed the most I ever have. When I gave up caring what others think of me… Giving up at the right time is a virtue. It could be an exponentially effective strategy.

Cui 3 Mar 2022 6:43 UTC
2 points
on: Cui’s Shortform
Only you can get a grip on your own mind; if you won’t do that work, you will live in distress. What is the thought that bothers you most? I see someone more successful than me. Working on much more important tasks, blowing by the task I’m working on, or just basking in the glory of success. 50% of my brain power then goes to “What am I doing here”, “I’m wasting time”, or just simply feeling anxious. Then I rush through my work, complete it with poor quality, retain little, finish little, get frustrated, and quit. “If this isn’t going to be an immediate hit, THE hit, I don’t want it”. Part of this is an inability to deal with the unknown. Maybe I would be a horrible VC afterall.