this might be a bit outside the scope of this post, but it would probably help if there was a way to positively respond to someone who was earnestly messing up in this manner before they cause a huge fiasco. If there’s a legitimate belief that they’re trying to do better and act in good faith, then what can be done to actually empower them to change in a positive direction? That’s of course if they actually want to change, if they’re keeping themselves in a state that causes harm because it benefits them while insisting its fine, well, to steal a sith’s turn of phrase: airlocked
If there’s a legitimate belief that they’re trying to do better and act in good faith, then what can be done to actually empower them to change in a positive direction? That’s of course if they actually want to change, if they’re keeping themselves in a state that causes harm because it benefits them while insisting its fine, well, to steal a sith’s turn of phrase: airlocked
I agree that it’s important to give people constructive feedback to help them change. However, I see some caveats around this (I think I’m expanding on the points in your comment rather than disagreeing with it). Sometimes it’s easier said than done. If part of a person’s “destructive pattern” is that they react with utter contempt when you give them well-meant and (reasonably-)well-presented feedback, it’s understandable if you don’t want to put yourself in the crossfire. In that case, you can always try to avoid contact with someone. Then, if others ask you why you’re doing this, you can say something that conveys your honest impressions while making clear that you haven’t given this other person much of a chance.
Just like it’s important to help people change, I think it’s also important to seriously consider the hypothesis that some people are so stuck in their destructive patterns that giving constructive feedback is no longer justifiable in terms of social opportunity costs. (E.g., why invest 100s of hours helping someone become slightly less destructive if you can promote social harmony 50x better by putting your energy into pretty much anyone else.)
Someone might object as follows. “If someone is ‘well-intentioned,’ isn’t there a series of words you* can kindly say to them so that they’ll gain insight into their situation and they’ll be able to change?”
I think the answer here is “no” and I think that’s one of the saddest things about life. Even if the answer was, “yes, BUT, …”, I think that wouldn’t change too much and would still be sad.
*(Edit) Instead of “you can kindly say to them,” the objection seems stronger if this said “someone can kindly say to them.” Therapists are well-positioned to help people because they start with a clean history. Accepting feedback from someone you have a messy history with (or feel competitive with, or all kinds of other complications) is going to be much more difficult than the ideal scenario.
One data point that seems relevant here is success probabilities for evidence-based treatments of personality disorders. I don’t think personality disorders capture everything about “destructive patterns” (for instance, one obvious thing that they miss is “person behaves destructively due to an addiction”), nor do I think that personality disorders perfectly carve reality at its joints (most traits seem to come on a spectrum!). Still, it seems informative that the treatment success for narcissistic personality disorder seems comparatively very low (but not zero!) for people who are diagnosed with it, in addition to it being vastly under-diagnosed since people with pathological narcissism are less likely to seek therapy voluntarily. (Note that this isn’t the case for all personality disorders – e.g., I think I read that BPD without narcissism as a comorbidity has something like 80% chance of improvement with evidence-based therapy.) These stats are some indication that there are differences in people’s brain wiring or conditioned patterns that are deep enough that they can’t easily be changed with lots of well-intentioned and well-informed communication (e.g., trying to change beliefs about oneself and others).
So, I think it’s a trap to assume that being ‘well-intentioned’ means that a person is always likely to improve with feedback. Even if, from the outside, it looks as though someone would change if only they could let go of a particular mindset or set of beliefs that seems to be the cause behind their “destructive patterns,” consider the possibility that this is more of a symptom rather than the cause (and that the underlying cause is really hard to address).
this might be a bit outside the scope of this post, but it would probably help if there was a way to positively respond to someone who was earnestly messing up in this manner before they cause a huge fiasco. If there’s a legitimate belief that they’re trying to do better and act in good faith, then what can be done to actually empower them to change in a positive direction? That’s of course if they actually want to change, if they’re keeping themselves in a state that causes harm because it benefits them while insisting its fine, well, to steal a sith’s turn of phrase: airlocked
I agree that it’s important to give people constructive feedback to help them change. However, I see some caveats around this (I think I’m expanding on the points in your comment rather than disagreeing with it). Sometimes it’s easier said than done. If part of a person’s “destructive pattern” is that they react with utter contempt when you give them well-meant and (reasonably-)well-presented feedback, it’s understandable if you don’t want to put yourself in the crossfire. In that case, you can always try to avoid contact with someone. Then, if others ask you why you’re doing this, you can say something that conveys your honest impressions while making clear that you haven’t given this other person much of a chance.
Just like it’s important to help people change, I think it’s also important to seriously consider the hypothesis that some people are so stuck in their destructive patterns that giving constructive feedback is no longer justifiable in terms of social opportunity costs. (E.g., why invest 100s of hours helping someone become slightly less destructive if you can promote social harmony 50x better by putting your energy into pretty much anyone else.)
Someone might object as follows. “If someone is ‘well-intentioned,’ isn’t there a series of words you* can kindly say to them so that they’ll gain insight into their situation and they’ll be able to change?”
I think the answer here is “no” and I think that’s one of the saddest things about life. Even if the answer was, “yes, BUT, …”, I think that wouldn’t change too much and would still be sad.
*(Edit) Instead of “you can kindly say to them,” the objection seems stronger if this said “someone can kindly say to them.” Therapists are well-positioned to help people because they start with a clean history. Accepting feedback from someone you have a messy history with (or feel competitive with, or all kinds of other complications) is going to be much more difficult than the ideal scenario.
One data point that seems relevant here is success probabilities for evidence-based treatments of personality disorders. I don’t think personality disorders capture everything about “destructive patterns” (for instance, one obvious thing that they miss is “person behaves destructively due to an addiction”), nor do I think that personality disorders perfectly carve reality at its joints (most traits seem to come on a spectrum!). Still, it seems informative that the treatment success for narcissistic personality disorder seems comparatively very low (but not zero!) for people who are diagnosed with it, in addition to it being vastly under-diagnosed since people with pathological narcissism are less likely to seek therapy voluntarily. (Note that this isn’t the case for all personality disorders – e.g., I think I read that BPD without narcissism as a comorbidity has something like 80% chance of improvement with evidence-based therapy.) These stats are some indication that there are differences in people’s brain wiring or conditioned patterns that are deep enough that they can’t easily be changed with lots of well-intentioned and well-informed communication (e.g., trying to change beliefs about oneself and others).
So, I think it’s a trap to assume that being ‘well-intentioned’ means that a person is always likely to improve with feedback. Even if, from the outside, it looks as though someone would change if only they could let go of a particular mindset or set of beliefs that seems to be the cause behind their “destructive patterns,” consider the possibility that this is more of a symptom rather than the cause (and that the underlying cause is really hard to address).