.A thought that I’ve been carrying around in my head for a while, that I have no idea what to do with:
It seems to me that almost everybody, in relationships, wants the “I Win” button. For those of you who didn’t play City of Heroes, it was a developer-team joke that they shared with the public: push one button, and get your way. It became player and developer jargon for times when people wanted to argue that their preferred way of winning wasn’t unfair to others. So what’s the “I Win” button for relationships?
People who are really good at non-verbal communication want all relationship boundaries, rules, and expressions of wants and needs to be based on non-verbal communication; they want their partner to “just know.” People who are really good at written communication want those things to be handled via written rules and relationship contracts and user manuals. People who are really good at verbal, conversational communication want those things handled by talking them out. And all three of those groups think that the secret to happy relationships is for other people to learn to communicate their way.
I have no idea what to do with this insight other than to say, “Well, of course they do.” Because if I’m really good at written communication and my partners aren’t, and I can “persuade” my partners to agree that all communication about needs, wants, boundaries, and rules need to be in writing, I’m going to win every debate and argument. Who wouldn’t want that?
I think I’d be more inclined to frame this sort of thing as typical mind fallacy. Modeling it in terms of an I Win button seems to violate Hanlon’s Razor: we don’t need an adversarial model when plain old ignorance will suffice, and I don’t think preferred interaction style is a matter of conscious choice for most people.
I think people want that because they don’t how to communicate effectively in any other way. You also have to decide why people choose to communicate in the way that they do. People that prefer written communication (as I do) may be passive aggressive or be afraid of verbal communication. Those who want their partner to “just know” I think will have the least amount of success because of their inability to use a method of agreeable communication to express their needs and desires. I am somewhat aware of this because I do expect people to have certain ideas and execute them and I have learned that I have to speak up about what I think should be done because they aren’t “just going to figure it out” because most people don’t think like I do.
As for the “I win” button, I don’t think thats what people want. People want their needs met in a pleasurable and dynamic way. Is that “winning?”
It seems reasonable to me that people are afraid of being forced into whatever modes of communication they think they’re bad at—it’s not a specific flaw of people who prefer verbal/written communication.
I wonder if the people who expect their partners to “just know” are confusing successful non-verbal communication with telepathy.
I wonder if the people who expect their partners to “just know” are confusing successful non-verbal communication with telepathy.
I would guess typical mind fallacy, or illusion of transparency. Either they believe their signals are obvious, or they believe that any (sane) person would make the same guess in that specific situation. Or a combination thereof, i.e. that any (sane) person would only see two or three possible choices in that specific situation, and the signals are sufficient to differentiate among them.
Another interesting question would be whether these people are able to see the situation from both sides. Like, they can be angry at their partner for not reading their mind successfully, but do they believe they read the partner’s mind successfully? Maybe they don’t even realize that there is the other side, too. Or maybe they blame the partner for communication failures in both directions. (“They should know what I think about.” “They shouldn’t think such crazy things.”) On the other hand, maybe the partner really is predictable. Or the partner communicates their thoughts explicitly, so one way the communication is clear, and the person simply does not realize that the clearness of communication is caused by the explicitness. (Or maybe they don’t believe in symetry. Maybe they believe that being explicit is e.g. gender-specific, so it’s okay that the partner is explicit, and it’s okay that they aren’t. Or perhaps that you should be explicit about some things, but not about other things.)
No, the model applies even if the relationship isn’t adversarial. As long as you have different priorities and are not perfect at communicating, it applies.
By Brad Hicks
I think I’d be more inclined to frame this sort of thing as typical mind fallacy. Modeling it in terms of an I Win button seems to violate Hanlon’s Razor: we don’t need an adversarial model when plain old ignorance will suffice, and I don’t think preferred interaction style is a matter of conscious choice for most people.
Alternatively, the situation can be described in terms of tell vs. guess culture.
I’d split the difference—I believe the typical mind fallacy can shade into believing that other sorts of minds aren’t worth respecting.
I think people want that because they don’t how to communicate effectively in any other way. You also have to decide why people choose to communicate in the way that they do. People that prefer written communication (as I do) may be passive aggressive or be afraid of verbal communication. Those who want their partner to “just know” I think will have the least amount of success because of their inability to use a method of agreeable communication to express their needs and desires. I am somewhat aware of this because I do expect people to have certain ideas and execute them and I have learned that I have to speak up about what I think should be done because they aren’t “just going to figure it out” because most people don’t think like I do.
As for the “I win” button, I don’t think thats what people want. People want their needs met in a pleasurable and dynamic way. Is that “winning?”
It seems reasonable to me that people are afraid of being forced into whatever modes of communication they think they’re bad at—it’s not a specific flaw of people who prefer verbal/written communication.
I wonder if the people who expect their partners to “just know” are confusing successful non-verbal communication with telepathy.
I would guess typical mind fallacy, or illusion of transparency. Either they believe their signals are obvious, or they believe that any (sane) person would make the same guess in that specific situation. Or a combination thereof, i.e. that any (sane) person would only see two or three possible choices in that specific situation, and the signals are sufficient to differentiate among them.
Another interesting question would be whether these people are able to see the situation from both sides. Like, they can be angry at their partner for not reading their mind successfully, but do they believe they read the partner’s mind successfully? Maybe they don’t even realize that there is the other side, too. Or maybe they blame the partner for communication failures in both directions. (“They should know what I think about.” “They shouldn’t think such crazy things.”) On the other hand, maybe the partner really is predictable. Or the partner communicates their thoughts explicitly, so one way the communication is clear, and the person simply does not realize that the clearness of communication is caused by the explicitness. (Or maybe they don’t believe in symetry. Maybe they believe that being explicit is e.g. gender-specific, so it’s okay that the partner is explicit, and it’s okay that they aren’t. Or perhaps that you should be explicit about some things, but not about other things.)
They may be, I think successful non-verbal communication takes time and learning. There can be many difficulties along the way to success.
This model assumes that relationships are adversarial, which need not be the case, and isn’t the case in a good relationship.
No, the model applies even if the relationship isn’t adversarial. As long as you have different priorities and are not perfect at communicating, it applies.