thanks for your reply, and acknowledging my feedback. Appreciate it. And you are perfectly welcome.
My wife takes out the trash bins every week, and I never thank her or even acknowledge this is something she does. Therefore she feels unrecognized and upset. Through her expressing these feelings to me, me deeply acknowledging her feelings, validating her feelings, and acknowledging all the hard work she does around the house; that might be the action needed to solve the issue.
Examples are complex. I do not think this example fits my point exactly, but I can try and show how it would work. This is of course a bit idealistic:
Wife goes to you and says: “I feel unrecognized and upset about not being acknowledged for taking out the bins”. You are both on the same team, with the same goal of achieving more connection. Since you are on the same team, you add clarity by expressing your own thoughts/feelings:
You say: “When hearing you say that, I admit that I have felt dejected and numb, because you didn’t ask me to acknowledge you, and I have really wanted to”. You say the former to create clarity, not out of defense. Defense sounds more like this: “Why didn’t you tell me before?! I’ve waited for so long for you to tell me!” (Which isn’t that unnatural of a response, to be fair.)
Winning would then look something like this:
Wife says: “Are you saying you not only wanted to, but were willing to acknowledge me, and the only thing holding you back, was me asking you?” (*Belief: Receiving acknowledgment is a reflection of the strength of our bond, and should happen without prompt.*)
You answer: “Yes, I want, and I am willing, to acknowledge you, and the only thing holding me back is that I believe that I had to wait for you to ask first.” (*Belief: Asking for acknowledgment is a reflection of the strength of our bond, and should happen without prompt*)
Both pause to feel and self-connect.
(I can also add an apology here, but the kind of apology I write here is more high level, and not really a natural part of this game. But I thought it might be good for reference.)
Wife: “I feel confused knowing I have expectations that are different from yours. I also feel sad knowing I could have reached out for acknowledgment at any time. And I also apologize for feeling unrecognized and upset towards you, and by doing so pulling myself away from you. I also feel relieved knowing you want to acknowledge me.”
You: “I feel relieved knowing you want my acknowledgment, and likewise confused about our differing expectations. I feel down-cast knowing you have been open to receiving my acknowledgment for a while, and also knowing how much it would have meant to you. I apologize for feeling dejected and numb towards you, and starting to pull myself away from you. I also feel eager hearing you say that you want my acknowledgment”.
From my experience, most ‘conflicts’ are like this, and re-connection is done step-by-step. Neither might have the energy to continue the game at the moment, as things have escalated for a while, and things need to settle. However, this might still be a satisfactory first win in this area for both of them. When they are ready, they might want to address the confusion, the sadness and the apology, and lastly work out how to go about giving/receiving acknowledgment to/from each other.
In this example, they are already acknowledging their individual feelings, the feelings of the other, and experienced a positive shift between them—from being opponents to the connection of being on the same team. Definitely worthy of a small celebration.
Hello again CrimsonChin,
thanks for your reply, and acknowledging my feedback. Appreciate it. And you are perfectly welcome.
Examples are complex. I do not think this example fits my point exactly, but I can try and show how it would work. This is of course a bit idealistic:
Wife goes to you and says: “I feel unrecognized and upset about not being acknowledged for taking out the bins”.
You are both on the same team, with the same goal of achieving more connection. Since you are on the same team, you add clarity by expressing your own thoughts/feelings:
You say: “When hearing you say that, I admit that I have felt dejected and numb, because you didn’t ask me to acknowledge you, and I have really wanted to”.
You say the former to create clarity, not out of defense. Defense sounds more like this: “Why didn’t you tell me before?! I’ve waited for so long for you to tell me!” (Which isn’t that unnatural of a response, to be fair.)
Winning would then look something like this:
Wife says: “Are you saying you not only wanted to, but were willing to acknowledge me, and the only thing holding you back, was me asking you?” (*Belief: Receiving acknowledgment is a reflection of the strength of our bond, and should happen without prompt.*)
You answer: “Yes, I want, and I am willing, to acknowledge you, and the only thing holding me back is that I believe that I had to wait for you to ask first.” (*Belief: Asking for acknowledgment is a reflection of the strength of our bond, and should happen without prompt*)
Both pause to feel and self-connect.
(I can also add an apology here, but the kind of apology I write here is more high level, and not really a natural part of this game. But I thought it might be good for reference.)
Wife: “I feel confused knowing I have expectations that are different from yours. I also feel sad knowing I could have reached out for acknowledgment at any time. And I also apologize for feeling unrecognized and upset towards you, and by doing so pulling myself away from you. I also feel relieved knowing you want to acknowledge me.”
You: “I feel relieved knowing you want my acknowledgment, and likewise confused about our differing expectations. I feel down-cast knowing you have been open to receiving my acknowledgment for a while, and also knowing how much it would have meant to you. I apologize for feeling dejected and numb towards you, and starting to pull myself away from you. I also feel eager hearing you say that you want my acknowledgment”.
From my experience, most ‘conflicts’ are like this, and re-connection is done step-by-step. Neither might have the energy to continue the game at the moment, as things have escalated for a while, and things need to settle. However, this might still be a satisfactory first win in this area for both of them.
When they are ready, they might want to address the confusion, the sadness and the apology, and lastly work out how to go about giving/receiving acknowledgment to/from each other.
In this example, they are already acknowledging their individual feelings, the feelings of the other, and experienced a positive shift between them—from being opponents to the connection of being on the same team. Definitely worthy of a small celebration.
Hope it helps somewhat.
Kindly,
Caerulea-Lawrence