Actually fighting back effectively can get you in big trouble, and often models many behaviors you don’t actually want. Whereas the techniques you would use against a real bully outside of school, that you’d want to use, don’t work.
In my experience, this isn’t true because fighting back effectively stops escalation before it happens.
I wasn’t bullied in school, but not for lack of attempts. When they threw a ball of paper at me, I’d throw it back. When they asked if I want to fight, I’d say “ok”. This happened many times, and not once did I actually have to fight anyone and therefore never I got suspended. Even the much bigger kid a year ahead of me just didn’t show up to the scheduled fight (thankfully).
Even as an adult, the same approach worked well the one time I was in a bizarre enough situation to need it in a literal sense. The only time I ever got in a real fight was when it was too scary to say “ok” and I tried to run away instead.
To give a more “adult” example, if a neighbor in your apartment complex starts yelling at you for “messing with” the jacuzzi heater, the right posture isn’t to yell back, it’s to just to tell him that you were fixing it, then turn your back on him and go back to enjoying your jacuzzi session until he realizes he’s being a dick and apologizes. It’s absolutely a useful skill that shows up in places that are worth being in.
That doesn’t mean “fight back” won’t get you in trouble, just that you have to make sure you’re doing the right thing. The posture isn’t “Fuck me? No fuck you!”, or “I’m not gonna take your shit anymore!”, it’s “ok”. The former can get you in a lot of trouble—both with bullies and with the school, because it’s actively escalating. The latter deflates attempts to bully really quickly because there’s just no place to put them.
In hindsight, the one time I failed to avoid a fight it’s because I didn’t commit to either “ok” or running. I chose to run, and when they gave chase and started kicking at us I decided “I guess I’m gonna have to fight back”—which they weren’t expecting but by then they didn’t have a graceful exit. Expectation management.
So yes, “just fight back!” is naive and dumb. And “opportunities to learn to stand up for yourself” are of no use if you don’t manage to learn these things. At some point you just gotta pull your kid.
At the same time, there’s something real there too. There is an opportunity, if you manage to rise to it. And it applies to adult life as well in far more subtle ways.
In my experience, this isn’t true because fighting back effectively stops escalation before it happens.
I wasn’t bullied in school, but not for lack of attempts. When they threw a ball of paper at me, I’d throw it back. When they asked if I want to fight, I’d say “ok”. This happened many times, and not once did I actually have to fight anyone and therefore never I got suspended. Even the much bigger kid a year ahead of me just didn’t show up to the scheduled fight (thankfully).
Even as an adult, the same approach worked well the one time I was in a bizarre enough situation to need it in a literal sense. The only time I ever got in a real fight was when it was too scary to say “ok” and I tried to run away instead.
To give a more “adult” example, if a neighbor in your apartment complex starts yelling at you for “messing with” the jacuzzi heater, the right posture isn’t to yell back, it’s to just to tell him that you were fixing it, then turn your back on him and go back to enjoying your jacuzzi session until he realizes he’s being a dick and apologizes. It’s absolutely a useful skill that shows up in places that are worth being in.
That doesn’t mean “fight back” won’t get you in trouble, just that you have to make sure you’re doing the right thing. The posture isn’t “Fuck me? No fuck you!”, or “I’m not gonna take your shit anymore!”, it’s “ok”. The former can get you in a lot of trouble—both with bullies and with the school, because it’s actively escalating. The latter deflates attempts to bully really quickly because there’s just no place to put them.
In hindsight, the one time I failed to avoid a fight it’s because I didn’t commit to either “ok” or running. I chose to run, and when they gave chase and started kicking at us I decided “I guess I’m gonna have to fight back”—which they weren’t expecting but by then they didn’t have a graceful exit. Expectation management.
So yes, “just fight back!” is naive and dumb. And “opportunities to learn to stand up for yourself” are of no use if you don’t manage to learn these things. At some point you just gotta pull your kid.
At the same time, there’s something real there too. There is an opportunity, if you manage to rise to it. And it applies to adult life as well in far more subtle ways.