a. Communication is the key. Neither person, even if they are trying to be completely honest, is ever completely honest. Partially, this is because a person is not always honest with themselves.
b. Sometimes being nice is worth a white lie. (Though I am still iffy about this one.) c. It’s very important to analyze your own emotions. Why are you angry/happy/sad/apathetic?
a. Communication is the key, so “Don’t propose solutions,” but, rather, find all the variables first. b. It’s important to understand what both people want from the relationship. Are those goals in alignment? If you have similar goals, then it’s likely you can arrange your wants for maximum mutual benefit.
Another tip for “communication is the key”: try to never punish them for communicating. This is really difficult, and it isn’t always an option. Sometimes communicating changes the game in itself.
For instance, imagine a couple, Casey and Pat[1]. Casey has the flu, and Pat’s friend suggests they go out for some commonplace but appealing social event. Pat would feel guilty going out, as the convention in their relationship is to be present and nurture the sick person while they feel sorry for themself. What to do here? Even asking could be interpreted as insensitive. Worse, it puts the ball explicitly in Casey’s court: it’d make Casey the villain, denying Pat the opportunity to do something fun.
It’s possible that asking the question is legitimately going to ruin the comfort of being nurtured for Casey. In this case, perhaps Pat really shouldn’t ask at all. On the other hand, if Pat does ask, Casey should try as hard as possible not to resent it. They then both have to try to be as honest as possible about the stakes to them, to try to come up with the highest net utility move.
In my opinion, when the utility is approximately a tie, it’s wrong for Pat to ask the question. It’s a toss up, so it’s not worth making Casey feel guilty for saying no. When the utility’s heavily in Casey’s favour, asking the question isn’t so bad, because Casey won’t feel guilty. And when the utility’s in Pat’s favour, asking the question moves them to a better outcome.
However, Casey can wreck the game by punishing Pat for even asking, no matter what the outcome is—by being very offended, and wracking up credit in the “grievance bank”. If the relationship has this kind of dynamic, then Pat may end up not saying anything, while privately believing it’d be in their collective best interest for Pat to go out and have a good time—and quietly simmering about Casey’s perceived selfishness.
I think these little negotiations of give-and-take are constantly happening in relationships, so it’s important to have this long-term strategy of promoting communication as much as possible. Of course, when the topic at hand is emotionally salient, you have this pressure to play an entirely short-term game. So it’s difficult.
[1] Care has been taken to avoid assigning a gender to either of them. I hope you don’t find this too distracting.
a. Communication is the key. Neither person, even if they are trying to be completely honest, is ever completely honest. Partially, this is because a person is not always honest with themselves. b. Sometimes being nice is worth a white lie. (Though I am still iffy about this one.)
c. It’s very important to analyze your own emotions. Why are you angry/happy/sad/apathetic?
a. Communication is the key, so “Don’t propose solutions,” but, rather, find all the variables first.
b. It’s important to understand what both people want from the relationship. Are those goals in alignment? If you have similar goals, then it’s likely you can arrange your wants for maximum mutual benefit.
Another tip for “communication is the key”: try to never punish them for communicating. This is really difficult, and it isn’t always an option. Sometimes communicating changes the game in itself.
For instance, imagine a couple, Casey and Pat[1]. Casey has the flu, and Pat’s friend suggests they go out for some commonplace but appealing social event. Pat would feel guilty going out, as the convention in their relationship is to be present and nurture the sick person while they feel sorry for themself. What to do here? Even asking could be interpreted as insensitive. Worse, it puts the ball explicitly in Casey’s court: it’d make Casey the villain, denying Pat the opportunity to do something fun.
It’s possible that asking the question is legitimately going to ruin the comfort of being nurtured for Casey. In this case, perhaps Pat really shouldn’t ask at all. On the other hand, if Pat does ask, Casey should try as hard as possible not to resent it. They then both have to try to be as honest as possible about the stakes to them, to try to come up with the highest net utility move.
In my opinion, when the utility is approximately a tie, it’s wrong for Pat to ask the question. It’s a toss up, so it’s not worth making Casey feel guilty for saying no. When the utility’s heavily in Casey’s favour, asking the question isn’t so bad, because Casey won’t feel guilty. And when the utility’s in Pat’s favour, asking the question moves them to a better outcome.
However, Casey can wreck the game by punishing Pat for even asking, no matter what the outcome is—by being very offended, and wracking up credit in the “grievance bank”. If the relationship has this kind of dynamic, then Pat may end up not saying anything, while privately believing it’d be in their collective best interest for Pat to go out and have a good time—and quietly simmering about Casey’s perceived selfishness.
I think these little negotiations of give-and-take are constantly happening in relationships, so it’s important to have this long-term strategy of promoting communication as much as possible. Of course, when the topic at hand is emotionally salient, you have this pressure to play an entirely short-term game. So it’s difficult.
[1] Care has been taken to avoid assigning a gender to either of them. I hope you don’t find this too distracting.
Thanks, you’ve read my mind. Sometimes best communication is saying nothing, which took me a long time to understand (and I still struggle with it).