Mostly posting just because feedback is what motivates most fic writers to continue. I’m also eager to get the resolution to the cliffhanger (I had to go look up what Alec’s power was, since I’ve never read the books—it does sound like that’s what just happened to Elspeth).
I also wanted to praise a little snippet of text: “Jane’s room was decorated mostly in warm colors. She had carpet that matched her eyes, a lot of knicknacks made of gold, a cherry wood wardrobe, and pale orange upholstery on her sofa set. This made her slight figure, dressed in the black cloak of the Volturi, stand out like a blot of ink against the bright background.” That’s lovely, and it’s exactly the kind of sensory description that helps me, as a reader, feel more realistically grounded in Elspeth’s experience.
I would be delighted if we got a sentence or two about how things look every time Elspeth went into a room, new or not—I don’t remember at this point what the assembly hall is supposed to look like (I guess I’m picturing it sort of like a high school cafeteria) or how Jacob’s room is set up (pictures on the wall? rugs? Do they keep it tidy or messy?). These rooms might have been described the first time they appeared, but after several chapters I need some reinforcement from the text to be able to picture them clearly.
I’d like to provide a data point in a different direction from siduri—I too liked that section, but I liked it because it turned a solely sensory description into character development as well. Jane’s inkblot presence didn’t serve to highlight the description of the room, the room’s description highlighted Jane’s character. Elspeth later wonders why Jane even exists; Jane is like an ink blot on Elspeth’s view of the world. That is an excellent description that fleshes out Jane in my mind. I don’t like descriptions of places and people for their own sake. Describing the assembly hall or Jacob’s room is only desirable (for me as a reader of your work, not in general) if it tells us something important about Chelsea or Jacob, or pushes the plot forwards.
Mostly posting just because feedback is what motivates most fic writers to continue. I’m also eager to get the resolution to the cliffhanger (I had to go look up what Alec’s power was, since I’ve never read the books—it does sound like that’s what just happened to Elspeth).
I also wanted to praise a little snippet of text: “Jane’s room was decorated mostly in warm colors. She had carpet that matched her eyes, a lot of knicknacks made of gold, a cherry wood wardrobe, and pale orange upholstery on her sofa set. This made her slight figure, dressed in the black cloak of the Volturi, stand out like a blot of ink against the bright background.” That’s lovely, and it’s exactly the kind of sensory description that helps me, as a reader, feel more realistically grounded in Elspeth’s experience.
I would be delighted if we got a sentence or two about how things look every time Elspeth went into a room, new or not—I don’t remember at this point what the assembly hall is supposed to look like (I guess I’m picturing it sort of like a high school cafeteria) or how Jacob’s room is set up (pictures on the wall? rugs? Do they keep it tidy or messy?). These rooms might have been described the first time they appeared, but after several chapters I need some reinforcement from the text to be able to picture them clearly.
Thank you!
I’d like to provide a data point in a different direction from siduri—I too liked that section, but I liked it because it turned a solely sensory description into character development as well. Jane’s inkblot presence didn’t serve to highlight the description of the room, the room’s description highlighted Jane’s character. Elspeth later wonders why Jane even exists; Jane is like an ink blot on Elspeth’s view of the world. That is an excellent description that fleshes out Jane in my mind. I don’t like descriptions of places and people for their own sake. Describing the assembly hall or Jacob’s room is only desirable (for me as a reader of your work, not in general) if it tells us something important about Chelsea or Jacob, or pushes the plot forwards.