love how game you are. and admittedly it differs regionally, but this can / should / does work. you haven’t seen people mingle with others because (i’m guessing) it’s hard to tell when “two groups are mingling” in a way that’s distinct from a single group hanging out. (also in fact people do this MUCH less than they used to, but they’re not much less open to it.)
i recommend college or post-college bars, followed by mixed-gender dive bars. or basement shows / unofficial bars. cocktail places are probably bad for this, they are real into Adult Alienation TM. fanciness is generally a barrier. the minglability can be roughly sussed out from the alcohol:
punch (caution!!) > seltzers and cheap beer > craft beers, whiskeys, and applebees-tier cocktails > cocktails > wine
but ensure that the bar has quiet and also has loud. that’s the most important part. the presence of darts, pool, or food also helps give “handles” for conversation.
as for whom to bring and who is game for this… hard to say. varies by friends. the cost of asking is zero, though. (if you have friends who make the cost of asking nonzero, you have exhausting friends!) but yeah, if you have rat-y, great books-y friends, tell them “i am explicitly gonna go try to talk to folks at bars, as i think i’m missing something about the world. we’ll get smashing drunk. it’ll be great.” and if they are not into that… well, try alone, i guess? also get some more adventuresome friends!
similarly, the cost of asking people who Aren’t About It is zero. such folks are, in bars and high drunkenness, really rare! most folks are friendly! (in my experience, which is Virginia, NJ and NYC.) Do not underestimate the lubricant effect of alcohol. but also, if you don’t like the other group, it is SO EASY to take advantage of noise, getting something from the bar, etc., to detach.
if you’re just making the rounds, speaking to one group after another… this is unlikely, but also, NOBODY IS WATCHING. it is so hard to keep tabs on strangers in a bar, even if you’re trying!
and how do you talk and get to know people when the music is so loud—go somewhere loud-ish—such that folks are forced to speak up and perhaps articulate more—but not somewhere that’s so loud it’s “clearly for dancing.” (it is possible to have incredibly compressed shouted conversations, but they’re not very rewarding most of the time.)
GENERAL PRINCIPLES: men are easier to approach than women. people afford you more social latitude if you’re drunk and if they’re drunk. to a first approximation, nobody is paying attention to you unless you talk to them. and everyone loves to talk about themselves.
if you live in NYC, New Haven, or Princeton, hit me up and i am happy to take you. EDIT: nvm I see you’re Toronting atm. I cannot speak to Canadians’ dispositions, but surely the politeness helps!
thank you for going into so much detail, i appreciate it! will triangulate some bars that fit this profile and try to organize a pub crawl or something 🫡
100%! I encourage you to do so. have a soda to give yourself something to do with your hands. give yourself permission to *act drunk*, i.e., be loud, direct, shameless, goofy, emotional, etc.----other people’s drunkenness can easily “rub off” on you.
love how game you are. and admittedly it differs regionally, but this can / should / does work. you haven’t seen people mingle with others because (i’m guessing) it’s hard to tell when “two groups are mingling” in a way that’s distinct from a single group hanging out. (also in fact people do this MUCH less than they used to, but they’re not much less open to it.)
i recommend college or post-college bars, followed by mixed-gender dive bars. or basement shows / unofficial bars. cocktail places are probably bad for this, they are real into Adult Alienation TM. fanciness is generally a barrier. the minglability can be roughly sussed out from the alcohol:
punch (caution!!) > seltzers and cheap beer > craft beers, whiskeys, and applebees-tier cocktails > cocktails > wine
but ensure that the bar has quiet and also has loud. that’s the most important part. the presence of darts, pool, or food also helps give “handles” for conversation.
as for whom to bring and who is game for this… hard to say. varies by friends. the cost of asking is zero, though. (if you have friends who make the cost of asking nonzero, you have exhausting friends!) but yeah, if you have rat-y, great books-y friends, tell them “i am explicitly gonna go try to talk to folks at bars, as i think i’m missing something about the world. we’ll get smashing drunk. it’ll be great.” and if they are not into that… well, try alone, i guess? also get some more adventuresome friends!
similarly, the cost of asking people who Aren’t About It is zero. such folks are, in bars and high drunkenness, really rare! most folks are friendly! (in my experience, which is Virginia, NJ and NYC.) Do not underestimate the lubricant effect of alcohol. but also, if you don’t like the other group, it is SO EASY to take advantage of noise, getting something from the bar, etc., to detach.
if you’re just making the rounds, speaking to one group after another… this is unlikely, but also, NOBODY IS WATCHING. it is so hard to keep tabs on strangers in a bar, even if you’re trying!
and how do you talk and get to know people when the music is so loud—go somewhere loud-ish—such that folks are forced to speak up and perhaps articulate more—but not somewhere that’s so loud it’s “clearly for dancing.” (it is possible to have incredibly compressed shouted conversations, but they’re not very rewarding most of the time.)
GENERAL PRINCIPLES: men are easier to approach than women. people afford you more social latitude if you’re drunk and if they’re drunk. to a first approximation, nobody is paying attention to you unless you talk to them. and everyone loves to talk about themselves.
if you live in NYC, New Haven, or Princeton, hit me up and i am happy to take you. EDIT: nvm I see you’re Toronting atm. I cannot speak to Canadians’ dispositions, but surely the politeness helps!
thank you for going into so much detail, i appreciate it! will triangulate some bars that fit this profile and try to organize a pub crawl or something 🫡
Is it okay to hang out at a bar if you don’t drink?
100%! I encourage you to do so. have a soda to give yourself something to do with your hands. give yourself permission to *act drunk*, i.e., be loud, direct, shameless, goofy, emotional, etc.----other people’s drunkenness can easily “rub off” on you.