My view is that the value proposition of romantic relationships is that they fulfill the widespread human instinct to pair-bond. If you don’t feel an instinct to pair-bond, are a highly capable person, and already have reliable access to sex, childrearing opportunities, company, and other benefits people seek from relationships, then I don’t expect that relationships would offer much extra value for you.
Personally, I’ve always had a very strong, probably dysfunctionally strong, pair-bonding instinct, and this has been a serious impediment for me obtaining the concrete benefits of a romantic relationship. I get attached too easily to a partner, then stay too long in the relationship because of the simple fact that I’ve pair-bonded with them, despite the many shortcomings in the relationship. It also, paradoxically, impairs my ability to improve the relationship, because I get worried about losing even a highly problematic relationship. I would not wish on others the full extent of my strong drive to pair-bond or the high “value” it assigns to my existing relationships. Despite intellectually acknowledging this, I still feel that my relationships are meaningful and valuable. That’s how pair-bonding works.
It doesn’t surprise me that when people try to offer concrete explanations of the benefits they receive from relationships, that it seems to fall short of worthwhile. I think they’re trying to rationalize their pair-bonding instinct, and their attempts will only convince other people who already share that instinct.
My suspicion is that the way the pair-bonding instinct works is that it induces us to not only rationalize it, but it reorients our feelings and actions in order to support those rationalizations. Pair-bonding induces a sort of ideology about one’s relationship with one’s mate, complete with propaganda. The aim of the ideology is survival and reproduction: most people aren’t that capable, they really do need the support from their partner, and pair-bonding holds together mates in order to promote having children. And while this is all a very abstract, demoralizing and cynical-sounding view, I actually think it’s fine and reasonably healthy for the vast majority of people to live this way without worrying about it too much. Pair-bond the way you want, and enjoy the experience for what it is. Or, if you’re an unusual person, don’t pair-bond, and enjoy the better alternative you believe you’ve found for yourself.
My view is that the value proposition of romantic relationships is that they fulfill the widespread human instinct to pair-bond. If you don’t feel an instinct to pair-bond, are a highly capable person, and already have reliable access to sex, childrearing opportunities, company, and other benefits people seek from relationships, then I don’t expect that relationships would offer much extra value for you.
Personally, I’ve always had a very strong, probably dysfunctionally strong, pair-bonding instinct, and this has been a serious impediment for me obtaining the concrete benefits of a romantic relationship. I get attached too easily to a partner, then stay too long in the relationship because of the simple fact that I’ve pair-bonded with them, despite the many shortcomings in the relationship. It also, paradoxically, impairs my ability to improve the relationship, because I get worried about losing even a highly problematic relationship. I would not wish on others the full extent of my strong drive to pair-bond or the high “value” it assigns to my existing relationships. Despite intellectually acknowledging this, I still feel that my relationships are meaningful and valuable. That’s how pair-bonding works.
It doesn’t surprise me that when people try to offer concrete explanations of the benefits they receive from relationships, that it seems to fall short of worthwhile. I think they’re trying to rationalize their pair-bonding instinct, and their attempts will only convince other people who already share that instinct.
My suspicion is that the way the pair-bonding instinct works is that it induces us to not only rationalize it, but it reorients our feelings and actions in order to support those rationalizations. Pair-bonding induces a sort of ideology about one’s relationship with one’s mate, complete with propaganda. The aim of the ideology is survival and reproduction: most people aren’t that capable, they really do need the support from their partner, and pair-bonding holds together mates in order to promote having children. And while this is all a very abstract, demoralizing and cynical-sounding view, I actually think it’s fine and reasonably healthy for the vast majority of people to live this way without worrying about it too much. Pair-bond the way you want, and enjoy the experience for what it is. Or, if you’re an unusual person, don’t pair-bond, and enjoy the better alternative you believe you’ve found for yourself.