I know that this is the sort of question you’d precisely expect from someone whose mental defenses were resisting the exercise, but it’s still a valid possibility, prior probability ~1%: What if you suspect the person you’re dealing with is actually a sociopath?
Learning to like a sociopath is actually extremely DANGEROUS—it opens you up to be exploited. Most people are not sociopaths of course, and if someone cuts you off in traffic it makes a lot more sense to attribute that to ordinary carelessness rather than extraordinary malice.
But in the particular case I’m thinking of, this acquaintance of mine has already destroyed the reputation of one of my friends, and accused me of perjury in an official university hearing. Once he called me up out of the blue in order to complain about my body odor. Meanwhile, he appears capable of lying without any effort—several times I’ve found out that things he said were untrue when at the time they seemed completely sincere. He has exactly the sort of superficial charm that high-functioning sociopaths do, and most people like him when they first see him. I even liked him at first, until I saw that he was deceiving and manipulating people.
All of this strikes me as sufficient evidence to conclude that there is a good chance (P ~ 60%?) that he is actually a sociopath, in which case learning to like him is exactly the wrong thing to do.
I would say the most useful thing is to learn to protect myself from being exploited by sociopaths, whether I like them or not. After all, many sociopaths are genuinely likeable; I might find myself liking them without doing any of the work Alicorn discusses here. If I can do that, then liking them doesn’t make them more dangerous to me than not liking them.
I protect myself from a sociopath the same way I protect myself from a non-sociopath whose interests require that they act against mine: by determining their threat capacity, making my best guesses as to their likely strategies, deciding on a strategy to counter them, and implementing that strategy.
Whether I like them or not is in-principle-irrelevant, although of course it might affect my ability to do those things.
I like someone I know is a sociopath more or less the same way I like someone I don’t know is a sociopath: by unconsciously deciding that a social alliance with them would be cost-effective. (Or, in more conventional terms: “I dunno, I like who I like.”)
Your definition of “like” is apparently radically different from mine.
I could very well form an alliance with a sociopath, if necessary for some greater goal. But liking someone, as I use the word, requires you to actually respect that person and their character, and believe that the ends they seek are (basically, reasonably) worth seeking. It requires you to trust them, to engage with them without fear that at any moment they might exploit you.
I believe it was SMBC that said it best: “The enemy of my enemy is not my friend, he is my ally. The difference is you don’t invite your allies out for ice cream.”
So on my meaning, it is impossible to like someone you know is a sociopath; and furthermore if you like someone who is a sociopath and you don’t know, you are opening yourself up to be exploited. I guess you folks are free to use some other definition of “like” that doesn’t require trust or respect… but surely this is not the standard definition?
With respect to sociopaths, I mostly agree that knowing that someone is a sociopath pretty much precludes my being able to engage with them without fear of being exploited. (It doesn’t preclude my ability to respect them, or to consider the ends they seek worth seeking, or to trust them in certain ways.)
With respect to the meaning of “like”, I frequently find myself liking people on brief acquaintance, long before I know very much about them, their character, what ends they seek, or their trustworthiness in any particular context. And it’s not uncommon for me to lose respect for someone I like while continuing to like them.
As far as I can tell from observation, other people frequently have similar experiences, and frequently use the word “like” to refer to those experiences, much as I do. So I’m fairly confident that it’s the usage you describe here that’s nonstandard. But I could be wrong, or it might be a regional/subcultural thing.
For example, if a friend says “I met George at a party last night; I liked him” do you really understand your friend to mean that they know enough about George to make a reliable judgment about George’s character and whether it merits respect, what ends George seeks and whether those ends are worth seeking, and George’s trustworthiness? I would not understand them to mean that at all.
All of this strikes me as sufficient evidence to conclude that there is a good chance (P ~ 60%?) that he is actually a sociopath, in which case learning to like him is exactly the wrong thing to do.
If this person is not “actually a sociopath”, would learning to like him be the right thing to do?
Yes, if he’s not actually a sociopath, it’s probably worth learning to like him.
But the odds of him being a sociopath are high enough that the expected utility doesn’t point that way at all. The disutility of being exploited by a sociopath is far worse than the opportunity cost of not liking this one person.
It sounds like the reason you’d want to not like him if he’s a sociopath is that then he’d probably exploit you—but don’t you already know that he’ll exploit you anyway?
I know that this is the sort of question you’d precisely expect from someone whose mental defenses were resisting the exercise, but it’s still a valid possibility, prior probability ~1%: What if you suspect the person you’re dealing with is actually a sociopath?
Learning to like a sociopath is actually extremely DANGEROUS—it opens you up to be exploited. Most people are not sociopaths of course, and if someone cuts you off in traffic it makes a lot more sense to attribute that to ordinary carelessness rather than extraordinary malice.
But in the particular case I’m thinking of, this acquaintance of mine has already destroyed the reputation of one of my friends, and accused me of perjury in an official university hearing. Once he called me up out of the blue in order to complain about my body odor. Meanwhile, he appears capable of lying without any effort—several times I’ve found out that things he said were untrue when at the time they seemed completely sincere. He has exactly the sort of superficial charm that high-functioning sociopaths do, and most people like him when they first see him. I even liked him at first, until I saw that he was deceiving and manipulating people.
All of this strikes me as sufficient evidence to conclude that there is a good chance (P ~ 60%?) that he is actually a sociopath, in which case learning to like him is exactly the wrong thing to do.
I would say the most useful thing is to learn to protect myself from being exploited by sociopaths, whether I like them or not. After all, many sociopaths are genuinely likeable; I might find myself liking them without doing any of the work Alicorn discusses here. If I can do that, then liking them doesn’t make them more dangerous to me than not liking them.
How do you protect yourself against a sociopath while still liking them? Also, how can you LIKE someone you know is a sociopath?
Assuming you meant that as a literal question...
I protect myself from a sociopath the same way I protect myself from a non-sociopath whose interests require that they act against mine: by determining their threat capacity, making my best guesses as to their likely strategies, deciding on a strategy to counter them, and implementing that strategy.
Whether I like them or not is in-principle-irrelevant, although of course it might affect my ability to do those things.
I like someone I know is a sociopath more or less the same way I like someone I don’t know is a sociopath: by unconsciously deciding that a social alliance with them would be cost-effective. (Or, in more conventional terms: “I dunno, I like who I like.”)
Your definition of “like” is apparently radically different from mine.
I could very well form an alliance with a sociopath, if necessary for some greater goal. But liking someone, as I use the word, requires you to actually respect that person and their character, and believe that the ends they seek are (basically, reasonably) worth seeking. It requires you to trust them, to engage with them without fear that at any moment they might exploit you.
I believe it was SMBC that said it best: “The enemy of my enemy is not my friend, he is my ally. The difference is you don’t invite your allies out for ice cream.”
So on my meaning, it is impossible to like someone you know is a sociopath; and furthermore if you like someone who is a sociopath and you don’t know, you are opening yourself up to be exploited. I guess you folks are free to use some other definition of “like” that doesn’t require trust or respect… but surely this is not the standard definition?
With respect to sociopaths, I mostly agree that knowing that someone is a sociopath pretty much precludes my being able to engage with them without fear of being exploited. (It doesn’t preclude my ability to respect them, or to consider the ends they seek worth seeking, or to trust them in certain ways.)
With respect to the meaning of “like”, I frequently find myself liking people on brief acquaintance, long before I know very much about them, their character, what ends they seek, or their trustworthiness in any particular context. And it’s not uncommon for me to lose respect for someone I like while continuing to like them.
As far as I can tell from observation, other people frequently have similar experiences, and frequently use the word “like” to refer to those experiences, much as I do. So I’m fairly confident that it’s the usage you describe here that’s nonstandard. But I could be wrong, or it might be a regional/subcultural thing.
For example, if a friend says “I met George at a party last night; I liked him” do you really understand your friend to mean that they know enough about George to make a reliable judgment about George’s character and whether it merits respect, what ends George seeks and whether those ends are worth seeking, and George’s trustworthiness? I would not understand them to mean that at all.
I thought people like Tsundere?
If this person is not “actually a sociopath”, would learning to like him be the right thing to do?
Yes, if he’s not actually a sociopath, it’s probably worth learning to like him.
But the odds of him being a sociopath are high enough that the expected utility doesn’t point that way at all. The disutility of being exploited by a sociopath is far worse than the opportunity cost of not liking this one person.
It sounds like the reason you’d want to not like him if he’s a sociopath is that then he’d probably exploit you—but don’t you already know that he’ll exploit you anyway?