I now have a deep understanding that there are many instances in which people appeared to be hostile toward me when their feelings weren’t directed at me, instead they didn’t know enough about what was going on in my mind to be able to see that I wasn’t the person who they thought that I was.
… If somebody is angry at me and insults me, I know that it’s not me who the person is insulting, it’s instead the person’s perception of me. So people can’t hurt me anymore.
Great!
I will point out that I much more frequently see people giving similar, but ‘reversed’ advice: see the emotional content of your interactions with other people as coming from you, not them. Instead of “they insulted me,” it’s “I insulted myself” (by interpreting their words as an insult).
One of the benefits of the “I generate my emotional reactions” view over the “other people are coming from a place of ignorance” view is that it highlights the critical importance of self-love, to both healthy individual functioning and healthy relationships.
(I say this with the knowledge that advice is best if it’s a flow-chart, as explained in Beware of Other-Optimizing and All Debates are Bravery Debates. It’s not clear to me that you specifically would be improved by making that mental shift, but I suspect it strongly enough to say this advice.)
… If somebody is angry at me and insults me, I know that it’s not me who the person is insulting, it’s instead the person’s perception of me. So people can’t hurt me anymore.
For me it’s somewhat different: If somebody is angry at me and insults me, I know that it’s not because of me that the person is insulting, It’s instead caused by the person’s history and their perception of me in relation to it. If they convey factual information of my behavior that I might profitably change for all involved I (try to) do so. But I almost never see it as my ‘fault’. So people can’t hurt me (almost never could).
Hm. Interesting. I saw the difference between my and your description as “their perception of me” vs. “my perception of them”. But now it looks like “my perception of them vs. my perception of their perception of my perception of them” but that’s probably sufficiently near a perception-fixpoint to count as the same..
Great!
I will point out that I much more frequently see people giving similar, but ‘reversed’ advice: see the emotional content of your interactions with other people as coming from you, not them. Instead of “they insulted me,” it’s “I insulted myself” (by interpreting their words as an insult).
One of the benefits of the “I generate my emotional reactions” view over the “other people are coming from a place of ignorance” view is that it highlights the critical importance of self-love, to both healthy individual functioning and healthy relationships.
(I say this with the knowledge that advice is best if it’s a flow-chart, as explained in Beware of Other-Optimizing and All Debates are Bravery Debates. It’s not clear to me that you specifically would be improved by making that mental shift, but I suspect it strongly enough to say this advice.)
For me it’s somewhat different: If somebody is angry at me and insults me, I know that it’s not because of me that the person is insulting, It’s instead caused by the person’s history and their perception of me in relation to it. If they convey factual information of my behavior that I might profitably change for all involved I (try to) do so. But I almost never see it as my ‘fault’. So people can’t hurt me (almost never could).
This is a fleshed out version of what I meant :-).
Hm. Interesting. I saw the difference between my and your description as “their perception of me” vs. “my perception of them”. But now it looks like “my perception of them vs. my perception of their perception of my perception of them” but that’s probably sufficiently near a perception-fixpoint to count as the same..